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Parent Emeritus
What we do to accept there is nothing we can do
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 741792" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>I don’t know if acceptance is where I have come to. Maybe it’s just avoidance. I stay very busy. I focus on my kids doing well. I do things with R. I am not very social, but i make sure we get out with other people every once in a while. When I’m working around the house or in the garden, or exercising, I keep my mind busy with music or podcasts. I bury myself in work. Basically, just keep moving. For me, sitting still is an invitation to rumination and depression. </p><p></p><p>Writing things down here and getting validation and acceptance helps a lot. I don’t really have others in my life who get it. R is sympathetic but also gets frustrated, because they aren’t her kids and there is way more drama than she can tolerate. </p><p></p><p>I try to meditate and pray but I’m afraid I’m really bad at both. That’s when my mind wanders into bad places. </p><p></p><p>The animals help me a lot. I can sit with a cat on my lap or sit on the floor and hug the dogs and be ok. And they need a lot (we have some special needs animals) so they help to keep me busy. Sometimes I think I pour the love I can’t give my kids into them. </p><p></p><p>What I struggle with is the line between acceptance and giving up. I have a room full of furniture, kitchen stuff, and other household things I have accumulated over the years in the basement. I have a bed frame and a mattress, a kitchen table, a drrssser. Lots of linens and dishes. I keep waiting for either S or C to be in a stable enough place where I can give it to them to help get them set up. I’ve been waiting for years. It hasn’t happened. It may never happen. R would really like to turn that room into a workshop but I just can’t seem to let this stuff go. Because it feels like giving up, admitting they will never be in a place where they have a spot for a real bed and can use some dishes and pots and pans. </p><p></p><p>It’s crazy, really, the way they live. They’ve been couch surfing for years. C lived in his car when he had one and seemed to prefer that to having roommates. Right now I’m not even sure if he’s on a couch or on the streets. I don’t expect either of them to ever own a house or hold a professional job, but I want so much to see them at least have the stability of a place their own, or with a roommate, where they have a room for a bed and a dresser and a place where they can cook a meal. Right now they show no signs of getting closer to that point. But I still hold onto this useless room of furniture and stuff - I even moved it with me when we bought our house! </p><p></p><p>I haven’t talked to either of them for a few weeks now. They both tend to go silent for weeks at a time until they need or want something from me. I usually reach out by text and just try to stay connected but this time I haven’t. I think I’m afraid to know, and afraid of inviting them to dump their problems on me. I’ll probably reach out today though. C’s Birthday is coming up, and the holidays are just around the corner. </p><p></p><p>But for now I’ll just stay busy and focus on other things. My grandson turns three today and we will FaceTime later when he opens his presents. I’m hoping they will be able to come for the holidays again. My grandson was born with a heart defect and they weren’t sure he would make it, so seeing him strong and healthy at three is such a blessing! I will focus on that today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 741792, member: 23349"] I don’t know if acceptance is where I have come to. Maybe it’s just avoidance. I stay very busy. I focus on my kids doing well. I do things with R. I am not very social, but i make sure we get out with other people every once in a while. When I’m working around the house or in the garden, or exercising, I keep my mind busy with music or podcasts. I bury myself in work. Basically, just keep moving. For me, sitting still is an invitation to rumination and depression. Writing things down here and getting validation and acceptance helps a lot. I don’t really have others in my life who get it. R is sympathetic but also gets frustrated, because they aren’t her kids and there is way more drama than she can tolerate. I try to meditate and pray but I’m afraid I’m really bad at both. That’s when my mind wanders into bad places. The animals help me a lot. I can sit with a cat on my lap or sit on the floor and hug the dogs and be ok. And they need a lot (we have some special needs animals) so they help to keep me busy. Sometimes I think I pour the love I can’t give my kids into them. What I struggle with is the line between acceptance and giving up. I have a room full of furniture, kitchen stuff, and other household things I have accumulated over the years in the basement. I have a bed frame and a mattress, a kitchen table, a drrssser. Lots of linens and dishes. I keep waiting for either S or C to be in a stable enough place where I can give it to them to help get them set up. I’ve been waiting for years. It hasn’t happened. It may never happen. R would really like to turn that room into a workshop but I just can’t seem to let this stuff go. Because it feels like giving up, admitting they will never be in a place where they have a spot for a real bed and can use some dishes and pots and pans. It’s crazy, really, the way they live. They’ve been couch surfing for years. C lived in his car when he had one and seemed to prefer that to having roommates. Right now I’m not even sure if he’s on a couch or on the streets. I don’t expect either of them to ever own a house or hold a professional job, but I want so much to see them at least have the stability of a place their own, or with a roommate, where they have a room for a bed and a dresser and a place where they can cook a meal. Right now they show no signs of getting closer to that point. But I still hold onto this useless room of furniture and stuff - I even moved it with me when we bought our house! I haven’t talked to either of them for a few weeks now. They both tend to go silent for weeks at a time until they need or want something from me. I usually reach out by text and just try to stay connected but this time I haven’t. I think I’m afraid to know, and afraid of inviting them to dump their problems on me. I’ll probably reach out today though. C’s Birthday is coming up, and the holidays are just around the corner. But for now I’ll just stay busy and focus on other things. My grandson turns three today and we will FaceTime later when he opens his presents. I’m hoping they will be able to come for the holidays again. My grandson was born with a heart defect and they weren’t sure he would make it, so seeing him strong and healthy at three is such a blessing! I will focus on that today. [/QUOTE]
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What we do to accept there is nothing we can do
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