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What works for your oppositional & defiant child?
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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 161870" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>This may help in some situations:</p><p> </p><p>When my easy child was about 4 yrs old, we went to BK for supper. There is a play area. easy child decided to refuse to come out when I asked her to. So, I took my stuff out to the vehicle and came back to deal with easy child. This was early fall so I told her because she didn't come when I told her to, we will not be able to go back until after Halloween. (I know, probably too long, but I was extremely angry and I knew that would make more sense to her than next week.) Everytime she asked to go, I would remind her that last time she wouldn't leave so I do not want to take her for awhile.</p><p> </p><p>I did this a lot with my kids - "If you do not come now, it will be a long time before you can do it again." "I can't let you do that because last time you would not stop when I told you to."</p><p> </p><p>So, no bike for awhile - "The last time I let you ride bike ended in a disaster because you wouldn't stop when I told you to. Let's wait until you are able to listen better. You think about it tonight and maybe we can try it again tommorow."</p><p> </p><p>I also think that keeping things light and using mild humor helps. "Hey pumpkin, looks like you are enjoying that show. How long does it go?" "I am sorry, but we need to leave before it is over, please turn it off and get ready to go. Have you seen this episode before? Good, you can tell me about how it ends in the car." (or, you can tell me what you have watched and make up an ending.)</p><p> </p><p>I just read a book on The Manipulative Child. It gave me some ideas that I wish I would have worked with when difficult child was much younger. You need to keep the subject on the action - difficult child is trying to change the subject (manipulate the situation so he is in control). I am going to work on these with my difficult child but he may be too old for them to work completely. Basically, it states to not give the child a chance to reason with you. Our children are awesome attorneys who can reason themselves out of anything. What you say goes. Period. When we give our kids too many choices, it does backfire and they then tend to think they can control everything and everyone around them. They grow up thinking that everything is a choice that ends in their favor.</p><p> </p><p>Stop the action - Pause (time out until child calms down - could be a few seconds, could be hours) - Redirect</p><p> </p><p>The time out is important also. Make the pause stick - don't let the kid off because he decides to do what was told. He needs to complete the pause and then do what he is suppose to do. "Please take dishes to kitchen" "NO" "difficult child, sit down here" "OK, I will take dishes to kitchen" "difficult child, you must first sit down here" "OK, now you may get up and take dishes to the kitchen." Repeat these steps until difficult child follows the directions. The first several times may take a ton of repeats.</p><p> </p><p>Just ideas, may not be what you need - however, it did make sense to me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 161870, member: 5096"] This may help in some situations: When my easy child was about 4 yrs old, we went to BK for supper. There is a play area. easy child decided to refuse to come out when I asked her to. So, I took my stuff out to the vehicle and came back to deal with easy child. This was early fall so I told her because she didn't come when I told her to, we will not be able to go back until after Halloween. (I know, probably too long, but I was extremely angry and I knew that would make more sense to her than next week.) Everytime she asked to go, I would remind her that last time she wouldn't leave so I do not want to take her for awhile. I did this a lot with my kids - "If you do not come now, it will be a long time before you can do it again." "I can't let you do that because last time you would not stop when I told you to." So, no bike for awhile - "The last time I let you ride bike ended in a disaster because you wouldn't stop when I told you to. Let's wait until you are able to listen better. You think about it tonight and maybe we can try it again tommorow." I also think that keeping things light and using mild humor helps. "Hey pumpkin, looks like you are enjoying that show. How long does it go?" "I am sorry, but we need to leave before it is over, please turn it off and get ready to go. Have you seen this episode before? Good, you can tell me about how it ends in the car." (or, you can tell me what you have watched and make up an ending.) I just read a book on The Manipulative Child. It gave me some ideas that I wish I would have worked with when difficult child was much younger. You need to keep the subject on the action - difficult child is trying to change the subject (manipulate the situation so he is in control). I am going to work on these with my difficult child but he may be too old for them to work completely. Basically, it states to not give the child a chance to reason with you. Our children are awesome attorneys who can reason themselves out of anything. What you say goes. Period. When we give our kids too many choices, it does backfire and they then tend to think they can control everything and everyone around them. They grow up thinking that everything is a choice that ends in their favor. Stop the action - Pause (time out until child calms down - could be a few seconds, could be hours) - Redirect The time out is important also. Make the pause stick - don't let the kid off because he decides to do what was told. He needs to complete the pause and then do what he is suppose to do. "Please take dishes to kitchen" "NO" "difficult child, sit down here" "OK, I will take dishes to kitchen" "difficult child, you must first sit down here" "OK, now you may get up and take dishes to the kitchen." Repeat these steps until difficult child follows the directions. The first several times may take a ton of repeats. Just ideas, may not be what you need - however, it did make sense to me. [/QUOTE]
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