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What would you do differently? mini vent
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 278614" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Oh Star. Sending some gigantic hugs and a nice cup of tea your way.</p><p></p><p>It's too easy, isn't it. We see improvement in our difficult children. First a few tiny baby steps, then more and more until it looks as though they're really hitting their stride. They're starting to toe the line, showing respect, doing things properly, following the rules...</p><p></p><p>Then they come home for a visit and regress all over the place, usually smack in the middle of our stuff. Even if the damage is minor compared to what it used to be, the heartbreak is the same if not worse. They were getting better, so how come they still...?</p><p></p><p>Here are the things that I've been doing. Don't know if any of them will help you, but they might be worth a try.</p><p></p><p><strong>1) I don't believe a word my difficult child says unless I have independent corroboration.</strong></p><p>True, difficult child doesn't lie as much as he used to, but he used to tell 999,999 lies for each truth, so less is relative. When it does turn out that he's telling the truth, I'm pleasantly surprised. But I'm no longer crushed by the lies, because I assume that everything is a lie to start with.</p><p></p><p><strong>2) Severely limit difficult child's visits home.</strong></p><p>difficult child stays overnight at Christmas, but otherwise we limit him to flying visits, always under constant supervision. If he's going to be here for any length of time (i.e. more than an hour), the house goes into full lockdown. When he's here too often, or for too long at a single stretch, difficult child loses every last one of the skills and coping mechanisms he has learned at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). There's too much difficult child history in the walls of this house. It's not a good place for his growth.</p><p></p><p><strong>3) No computer access, and no access to my office.</strong></p><p>Although difficult child is allowed very limited computer access when he's at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), we just don't let him use the computer at all when he's here. It's not just that he'll go to inappropriate places on the internet. If he sits at my desk for 5 minutes, even if he's not using my computer, he will mess with my stuff. I will find things out of place, other things broken, other things gone. I am STILL finding stuff that he destroyed and hid years ago, buried in the backs of file cabinets and archive boxes.</p><p></p><p>If difficult child absolutely MUST have something from the computer, husband sits at the computer, difficult child tells husband what he needs, goes to the website, prints or whatever, but for difficult child it's strictly paws off.</p><p></p><p><strong>4) My guard is always up.</strong></p><p>This is the hardest one. difficult child and I used to be so close, but he nearly destroyed that bond. He tries. He tries so hard, figuring that if he's soft and gentle with me he'll be able to rebuild it and be as close as we ever were. But I'm not ready, don't know if I ever will be. In some ways the extra-nice behaviour hurts as much as the destructive and dangerous behaviour did, because he figures that the one cancels out the other. </p><p></p><p>I don't know whether it's PTSD or some other thing, but I'm just not ready to let difficult child back in. He has a place in my heart, just not the special little corner that he crushed and burned all those years ago.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what advice to give you Star. But if Dude is crossing your lines, then you have to back him off further and draw a new line. The slope is always greased, and our difficult children are always ready to slip back down it. Vigilance.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry. It shouldn't have to be so d@mn hard all the time.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 278614, member: 3907"] Oh Star. Sending some gigantic hugs and a nice cup of tea your way. It's too easy, isn't it. We see improvement in our difficult children. First a few tiny baby steps, then more and more until it looks as though they're really hitting their stride. They're starting to toe the line, showing respect, doing things properly, following the rules... Then they come home for a visit and regress all over the place, usually smack in the middle of our stuff. Even if the damage is minor compared to what it used to be, the heartbreak is the same if not worse. They were getting better, so how come they still...? Here are the things that I've been doing. Don't know if any of them will help you, but they might be worth a try. [B]1) I don't believe a word my difficult child says unless I have independent corroboration.[/B] True, difficult child doesn't lie as much as he used to, but he used to tell 999,999 lies for each truth, so less is relative. When it does turn out that he's telling the truth, I'm pleasantly surprised. But I'm no longer crushed by the lies, because I assume that everything is a lie to start with. [B]2) Severely limit difficult child's visits home.[/B] difficult child stays overnight at Christmas, but otherwise we limit him to flying visits, always under constant supervision. If he's going to be here for any length of time (i.e. more than an hour), the house goes into full lockdown. When he's here too often, or for too long at a single stretch, difficult child loses every last one of the skills and coping mechanisms he has learned at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). There's too much difficult child history in the walls of this house. It's not a good place for his growth. [B]3) No computer access, and no access to my office.[/B] Although difficult child is allowed very limited computer access when he's at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), we just don't let him use the computer at all when he's here. It's not just that he'll go to inappropriate places on the internet. If he sits at my desk for 5 minutes, even if he's not using my computer, he will mess with my stuff. I will find things out of place, other things broken, other things gone. I am STILL finding stuff that he destroyed and hid years ago, buried in the backs of file cabinets and archive boxes. If difficult child absolutely MUST have something from the computer, husband sits at the computer, difficult child tells husband what he needs, goes to the website, prints or whatever, but for difficult child it's strictly paws off. [B]4) My guard is always up.[/B] This is the hardest one. difficult child and I used to be so close, but he nearly destroyed that bond. He tries. He tries so hard, figuring that if he's soft and gentle with me he'll be able to rebuild it and be as close as we ever were. But I'm not ready, don't know if I ever will be. In some ways the extra-nice behaviour hurts as much as the destructive and dangerous behaviour did, because he figures that the one cancels out the other. I don't know whether it's PTSD or some other thing, but I'm just not ready to let difficult child back in. He has a place in my heart, just not the special little corner that he crushed and burned all those years ago. I don't know what advice to give you Star. But if Dude is crossing your lines, then you have to back him off further and draw a new line. The slope is always greased, and our difficult children are always ready to slip back down it. Vigilance. I'm sorry. It shouldn't have to be so d@mn hard all the time. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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