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What Would You Do? Go Fund Me account for Difficult Child's wife
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 752407" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hello Seeking</p><p></p><p>I have no thoughts as to what to do, as your decision would be entirely personal. But my immediate reaction to the circumstances was one of doubt and concern. I am unclear why. Let me see if I can find direction here.</p><p> </p><p>Is it because really you have had no involvement with this woman? Why would you go there, considering all of the pain and ugliness with your son? While she is almost a stranger, to view her as such, would be a mistake, I think. (see below)</p><p></p><p>Is it because of the blatant plea for sympathy and dependency of a go fund me campaign? (I have a negative bias about this. Even though people I respect have done this.) Is it because I fear this could all be a scam? (I mean, consider the track record of your son. It pains me to write this.)</p><p></p><p>To me, the ONLY reason that my heartstrings would be touched by these circumstances would be guilt, yearning, or a sense of responsibility. I think that reacting based upon any one of these catalysts would be to open a can of worms.</p><p></p><p>In reality this woman is a stranger. But not really. The confusion and the danger arise from this chimera of opposites: She is a stranger but she is your daughter in law. If she were only a stranger, of course, you could give to her, without risk. You would be completely emotionally safe. If she was a "real" daughter in law, there would be clarity, too. But this is a daughter in law you have had no real contact with, the wife of a man, your son, who has only hurt you and your family. Continuously. Relentlessly. Unconscionably. (I am feeling anger here on your behalf that your son has put you in this painful situation.)</p><p></p><p>Given the ugliness of what has come before, it is unlikely that you will ever have a relationship with this woman. But that does not mean that there do not exist the yearning, the wanting to have had relationship. The wanting to offer help and protection. This is where the risk entails. The emotional extension that such a gift could create. In you.</p><p></p><p>I believe that the only circumstance in which I would consider giving assistance would be the mending of the past by your son.</p><p></p><p>He has it within his power to reach out to make amends. He has within his power to ask YOU for help. He has it within his power to take responsibility to humble himself to help his wife. Has he done any of this?</p><p></p><p>This is HIS wife. This is NOT your daughter in law. Your son has done none of the things that would establish this woman as anybody related to you. There is no real relationships on which to base your wanting to take responsibility even in a small way. Such emotions, such responsibility would only be based upon your desire. Desire is a very, very fragile emotion on which to take action. Even anonymous action.</p><p></p><p>That is why I feel so hesitant here. To take this step would be to create relationship, through wishing, even anonymously. When in reality there is none. Which is to say that relationship happens even when it is only imaginary and secret. We create it by our wants and our needs.</p><p></p><p>We are the only ones responsible for creating these invisible bonds of want and yearning. Why go there? </p><p></p><p>There is a reality to be faced. There is dirty water under this bridge. For as long as I have been on this site there has been extreme ugliness and cruelty on the part of your son towards you. Your son has done nothing at all to acknowledge his misdeeds, or to atone for them. Let alone to restore relationship or to foster relationship with the woman who is his wife.</p><p></p><p>I would have real hesitancy to open this door, even in a symbolic way.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry that you continue to suffer at your son's hands. Even indirectly.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 752407, member: 18958"] Hello Seeking I have no thoughts as to what to do, as your decision would be entirely personal. But my immediate reaction to the circumstances was one of doubt and concern. I am unclear why. Let me see if I can find direction here. Is it because really you have had no involvement with this woman? Why would you go there, considering all of the pain and ugliness with your son? While she is almost a stranger, to view her as such, would be a mistake, I think. (see below) Is it because of the blatant plea for sympathy and dependency of a go fund me campaign? (I have a negative bias about this. Even though people I respect have done this.) Is it because I fear this could all be a scam? (I mean, consider the track record of your son. It pains me to write this.) To me, the ONLY reason that my heartstrings would be touched by these circumstances would be guilt, yearning, or a sense of responsibility. I think that reacting based upon any one of these catalysts would be to open a can of worms. In reality this woman is a stranger. But not really. The confusion and the danger arise from this chimera of opposites: She is a stranger but she is your daughter in law. If she were only a stranger, of course, you could give to her, without risk. You would be completely emotionally safe. If she was a "real" daughter in law, there would be clarity, too. But this is a daughter in law you have had no real contact with, the wife of a man, your son, who has only hurt you and your family. Continuously. Relentlessly. Unconscionably. (I am feeling anger here on your behalf that your son has put you in this painful situation.) Given the ugliness of what has come before, it is unlikely that you will ever have a relationship with this woman. But that does not mean that there do not exist the yearning, the wanting to have had relationship. The wanting to offer help and protection. This is where the risk entails. The emotional extension that such a gift could create. In you. I believe that the only circumstance in which I would consider giving assistance would be the mending of the past by your son. He has it within his power to reach out to make amends. He has within his power to ask YOU for help. He has it within his power to take responsibility to humble himself to help his wife. Has he done any of this? This is HIS wife. This is NOT your daughter in law. Your son has done none of the things that would establish this woman as anybody related to you. There is no real relationships on which to base your wanting to take responsibility even in a small way. Such emotions, such responsibility would only be based upon your desire. Desire is a very, very fragile emotion on which to take action. Even anonymous action. That is why I feel so hesitant here. To take this step would be to create relationship, through wishing, even anonymously. When in reality there is none. Which is to say that relationship happens even when it is only imaginary and secret. We create it by our wants and our needs. We are the only ones responsible for creating these invisible bonds of want and yearning. Why go there? There is a reality to be faced. There is dirty water under this bridge. For as long as I have been on this site there has been extreme ugliness and cruelty on the part of your son towards you. Your son has done nothing at all to acknowledge his misdeeds, or to atone for them. Let alone to restore relationship or to foster relationship with the woman who is his wife. I would have real hesitancy to open this door, even in a symbolic way. I am sorry that you continue to suffer at your son's hands. Even indirectly. [/QUOTE]
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What Would You Do? Go Fund Me account for Difficult Child's wife
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