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When Grandparents get Angry with difficult child Autism Behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="WearyWoman" data-source="post: 368651"><p>farmwife - You've really got it together in dealing with your mom. I'm especially impressed with how you balance unconditional love and boundaries. Your kids and grandkids will certainly benefit from your smart choices. I give you a ton of credit for having the courage to step up and speak up. That's really hard for me, because my "job" in the family has historically been to perform perfectly and without question. I am not a very assertive person. </p><p> </p><p>However, I am finding more strength to speak up when it comes to my kids. I don't think he would ever hit my kids, but the extreme anger, swearing, and inappropriate rage behavior is still very upsetting. Once, when viisting my parents, I noticed my dad was swearing under his breath (loud enough, though, as he definitely wants everyone around him to know he's upset - he's justified, after all) at my youngest difficult child because difficult child was repeating himself, and I guess my dad was irritated by it. I can't tell you how hurt I felt. We hadn't seen my parents in months, precisely because of the anxiety I feel when visiting, and within a matter of 30 minutes, my dad is already swearing at my child. It is abusive. We left rather quickly, and when my mom called afterward, I told her how upset I felt. And her reply was that I should just understand that that's just how my dad is - that he really does love my kids - and to just focus on the good aspects of his personality. Well, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't let anyone else swear at my kids, so why is it okay for him to swear at them? It comes across as pure hate. My anxiety level is always extremely high when we go to viist, I guess, because I somehow feel responsible for his anger (if I can just get my kids to behave well enough, he won't get mad). Going back to my childhood, I think I tried to be more perfect so that he wouldn't get so angry. </p><p> </p><p>I should note that my dad's anger is not limited to my kids. He is chronically angry. Over the years, he has ruined vacations, perfect summer days, friendships, and relationships with his angry outbursts and behaviors. It was so bad that if my mother couldn't read his mind, i.e. know that he expected her to pass the butter at a certain time, he'd flip out. While he never laid a hand on me or my sister, his anger destroyed my sense of peace at home, as well as my self esteem. I wondered why he didn't love me enough to control his anger. The constant door slamming, things breaking, screaming, and swearing took its toll on me over the years, not to mention his scary driving rage. My dad doesn't drink or use any drugs of any kind. He is a Vietnam vet. I don't know how my mother handled it. Obviously, he has a problem. But neither my mother nor my sister ever hold him seriously accountable. In fact, if I set a boundary in this situation, I will be the one ostracized in this family - how dare I treat my father that way, right?</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, do you have thoughts about setting boundaries in this situation? Am I just being overly sensitive?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WearyWoman, post: 368651"] farmwife - You've really got it together in dealing with your mom. I'm especially impressed with how you balance unconditional love and boundaries. Your kids and grandkids will certainly benefit from your smart choices. I give you a ton of credit for having the courage to step up and speak up. That's really hard for me, because my "job" in the family has historically been to perform perfectly and without question. I am not a very assertive person. However, I am finding more strength to speak up when it comes to my kids. I don't think he would ever hit my kids, but the extreme anger, swearing, and inappropriate rage behavior is still very upsetting. Once, when viisting my parents, I noticed my dad was swearing under his breath (loud enough, though, as he definitely wants everyone around him to know he's upset - he's justified, after all) at my youngest difficult child because difficult child was repeating himself, and I guess my dad was irritated by it. I can't tell you how hurt I felt. We hadn't seen my parents in months, precisely because of the anxiety I feel when visiting, and within a matter of 30 minutes, my dad is already swearing at my child. It is abusive. We left rather quickly, and when my mom called afterward, I told her how upset I felt. And her reply was that I should just understand that that's just how my dad is - that he really does love my kids - and to just focus on the good aspects of his personality. Well, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't let anyone else swear at my kids, so why is it okay for him to swear at them? It comes across as pure hate. My anxiety level is always extremely high when we go to viist, I guess, because I somehow feel responsible for his anger (if I can just get my kids to behave well enough, he won't get mad). Going back to my childhood, I think I tried to be more perfect so that he wouldn't get so angry. I should note that my dad's anger is not limited to my kids. He is chronically angry. Over the years, he has ruined vacations, perfect summer days, friendships, and relationships with his angry outbursts and behaviors. It was so bad that if my mother couldn't read his mind, i.e. know that he expected her to pass the butter at a certain time, he'd flip out. While he never laid a hand on me or my sister, his anger destroyed my sense of peace at home, as well as my self esteem. I wondered why he didn't love me enough to control his anger. The constant door slamming, things breaking, screaming, and swearing took its toll on me over the years, not to mention his scary driving rage. My dad doesn't drink or use any drugs of any kind. He is a Vietnam vet. I don't know how my mother handled it. Obviously, he has a problem. But neither my mother nor my sister ever hold him seriously accountable. In fact, if I set a boundary in this situation, I will be the one ostracized in this family - how dare I treat my father that way, right? Anyway, do you have thoughts about setting boundaries in this situation? Am I just being overly sensitive? [/QUOTE]
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