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When Grandparents get Angry with difficult child Autism Behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="WearyWoman" data-source="post: 369218"><p>Farmwife - I've been thinking a lot about what you said and how I feel before, during, and after visits with my dad. Before visits, I generally feel very anxious, because I know difficult child will have a hard time managing himself and that my dad will have zero patience. I find myself feeling responsible for difficult child's behaviors. During visits, I am not relaxed, because I am always watching what difficult child is doing, trying to keep him out of trouble, and generally sitting on the edge of my seat in case something goes wrong. If, during a visit, my dad starts swearing under his breath about difficult child's behavior, I feel sad (that my dad seems to hate his grandson at times), angry (that it's happening and I have no control over any of it), and anxious (that things will escalate further) all at the same time. Complicating things further, of course, are my own memories and experiences growing up with a parent who has severe anger management issues. While difficult child certainly acts like himself in the presence of my mom too, I know she loves him and that she doesn't blame him or me for the problem. She understands that difficult child has disabilities, and she doesn't exhibit anger. So, I don't experience the anxiety around my mom.</p><p> </p><p>In reflecting on all of this, I have come to see that I'm negatively affected by my dad's behaviorsl, before, during, and after visits. And you're right, these feelings are valid - just as valid as those anyone else experiences. Over the years, the rest of my family has encouraged me to stuff those feelings in favor of keeping the peace. I really don't want to do that any more, and it is about time that I assert myself to protect my own well being and that of my kids' and hubby too. It's not okay to swear at, about, or in front of my difficult child or to become excessively angry with him either. For heaven's sake, I'm frustrated regularly too, but I don't allow myself to behave that way. And, I wouldn't tolerate anyone else treating me or my difficult child that way, so why am I allowing him to do it? </p><p> </p><p>Once, when difficult child was about 4 years old, he was refusing to get in his car seat, and my dad, apparently trying to help, basically picked him up and slammed him in the seat so hard, I was shocked. I was handling the situation, and I hadn't asked my dad to step in. I left in tears, and difficult child was in tears too. Later, I told my mom that I would not tolerate my dad getting physically aggressive with difficult child - period. She knew I was upset, but of course, tried to make excuses for my dad's behavior. I hate that! My sister thought I was overreacting too, yet I can't see her allowing my dad to do that to her easy child son - no way! So, it looks like no one else is going to stand up for me. It's about time I do it for myself.</p><p> </p><p>I've been stressing about the skin cancer surgery, and I'm worried about how long this spot has been unattended (9 mos.) and how extensive it is under the skin. So, the appointment is scheduled, and my hubby insists that I should not be driving myself around afterward and that he wants to come. But between the actual surgery and follow-up reconstruction on the same day, we probably will need childcare for longer than the 10 hours our daycare is available. This means, of course, that we need help from family. Although our 16-year-old could babysit, it would be a very long day for him, especially if difficult child refuses to listen. We're thinking of having my mother-in-law come and stay for the day alone with difficult child (allowing our older son to visit his grandpa (my father-in-law). This would separate the boys and prevent arguments between them. Also, the in-home therapists will be here for part of that day, which should help my mother-in-law. </p><p> </p><p>In the long run, we're going to need more options than family for childcare. So that's something we should work on, for sure. We don't need childcare very often, but once in a while, especially in an urgent situation like this, it's crucial. It just makes everything so much harder to not have help from somebody. In an ideal world, family would be the perfect solution, but it's not a perfect world.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WearyWoman, post: 369218"] Farmwife - I've been thinking a lot about what you said and how I feel before, during, and after visits with my dad. Before visits, I generally feel very anxious, because I know difficult child will have a hard time managing himself and that my dad will have zero patience. I find myself feeling responsible for difficult child's behaviors. During visits, I am not relaxed, because I am always watching what difficult child is doing, trying to keep him out of trouble, and generally sitting on the edge of my seat in case something goes wrong. If, during a visit, my dad starts swearing under his breath about difficult child's behavior, I feel sad (that my dad seems to hate his grandson at times), angry (that it's happening and I have no control over any of it), and anxious (that things will escalate further) all at the same time. Complicating things further, of course, are my own memories and experiences growing up with a parent who has severe anger management issues. While difficult child certainly acts like himself in the presence of my mom too, I know she loves him and that she doesn't blame him or me for the problem. She understands that difficult child has disabilities, and she doesn't exhibit anger. So, I don't experience the anxiety around my mom. In reflecting on all of this, I have come to see that I'm negatively affected by my dad's behaviorsl, before, during, and after visits. And you're right, these feelings are valid - just as valid as those anyone else experiences. Over the years, the rest of my family has encouraged me to stuff those feelings in favor of keeping the peace. I really don't want to do that any more, and it is about time that I assert myself to protect my own well being and that of my kids' and hubby too. It's not okay to swear at, about, or in front of my difficult child or to become excessively angry with him either. For heaven's sake, I'm frustrated regularly too, but I don't allow myself to behave that way. And, I wouldn't tolerate anyone else treating me or my difficult child that way, so why am I allowing him to do it? Once, when difficult child was about 4 years old, he was refusing to get in his car seat, and my dad, apparently trying to help, basically picked him up and slammed him in the seat so hard, I was shocked. I was handling the situation, and I hadn't asked my dad to step in. I left in tears, and difficult child was in tears too. Later, I told my mom that I would not tolerate my dad getting physically aggressive with difficult child - period. She knew I was upset, but of course, tried to make excuses for my dad's behavior. I hate that! My sister thought I was overreacting too, yet I can't see her allowing my dad to do that to her easy child son - no way! So, it looks like no one else is going to stand up for me. It's about time I do it for myself. I've been stressing about the skin cancer surgery, and I'm worried about how long this spot has been unattended (9 mos.) and how extensive it is under the skin. So, the appointment is scheduled, and my hubby insists that I should not be driving myself around afterward and that he wants to come. But between the actual surgery and follow-up reconstruction on the same day, we probably will need childcare for longer than the 10 hours our daycare is available. This means, of course, that we need help from family. Although our 16-year-old could babysit, it would be a very long day for him, especially if difficult child refuses to listen. We're thinking of having my mother-in-law come and stay for the day alone with difficult child (allowing our older son to visit his grandpa (my father-in-law). This would separate the boys and prevent arguments between them. Also, the in-home therapists will be here for part of that day, which should help my mother-in-law. In the long run, we're going to need more options than family for childcare. So that's something we should work on, for sure. We don't need childcare very often, but once in a while, especially in an urgent situation like this, it's crucial. It just makes everything so much harder to not have help from somebody. In an ideal world, family would be the perfect solution, but it's not a perfect world. [/QUOTE]
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