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Substance Abuse
When is it ok to walk away?
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<blockquote data-quote="so ready to live" data-source="post: 724613" data-attributes="member: 20054"><p>Oh Lost.</p><p>You ask when it is time to walk away. We have been "at this" with our son for most of his life. Is he better? No, but we are, compared to a few yrs. ago.</p><p>Your son is young, there is hope-we still have hope and ours is 30. But we have made boundaries that protect us...finally. Strong impermeable boundaries, not always, but lines drawn just the same. It seems to me that I couldn't possibly from a mother's heart have kept those, but I have. It helps me much to remember that I can change my mind too. I have that power.</p><p>Your son changed his mind about allowing you access to his money as your bargain for helping him. In doing so, in blowing funds, in sleeping until 3p, in not following up on responsibilities and most important disrespecting you, he chose his path. Interrupting the consequences of his choices hurts him too. If you knew those consequences would save him, you would allow it to play out. </p><p>There are a couple camps here, take what you like, leave the rest.</p><p>We have seen our son homeless, without a car even, in the winter. He didn't (?cannot?) learn from it. The consequences didn't change him much. Our son does have some disability, it's hard to tell how much is due to alcohol/drugs. He could work, he doesn't. We continue to offer minimal support as long as he seems to be trying to stay clean. I suppose we might be doing this for the rest of our lives, but it is the only way I can sleep at night. Others would say we should cut ties but we keep some contact for US. I've often felt if I could know he was alive and in a warm place, that would be enough. I wouldn't need to ever see or hear from him as the encounters unravel me. It's hard to admit this. </p><p>Can you step back? Only you know, but if you haven't let him fall yet, it's a question that needs to be asked. Are you doing it all to help him or you? </p><p>Hugs from my heart to yours, this is so hard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="so ready to live, post: 724613, member: 20054"] Oh Lost. You ask when it is time to walk away. We have been "at this" with our son for most of his life. Is he better? No, but we are, compared to a few yrs. ago. Your son is young, there is hope-we still have hope and ours is 30. But we have made boundaries that protect us...finally. Strong impermeable boundaries, not always, but lines drawn just the same. It seems to me that I couldn't possibly from a mother's heart have kept those, but I have. It helps me much to remember that I can change my mind too. I have that power. Your son changed his mind about allowing you access to his money as your bargain for helping him. In doing so, in blowing funds, in sleeping until 3p, in not following up on responsibilities and most important disrespecting you, he chose his path. Interrupting the consequences of his choices hurts him too. If you knew those consequences would save him, you would allow it to play out. There are a couple camps here, take what you like, leave the rest. We have seen our son homeless, without a car even, in the winter. He didn't (?cannot?) learn from it. The consequences didn't change him much. Our son does have some disability, it's hard to tell how much is due to alcohol/drugs. He could work, he doesn't. We continue to offer minimal support as long as he seems to be trying to stay clean. I suppose we might be doing this for the rest of our lives, but it is the only way I can sleep at night. Others would say we should cut ties but we keep some contact for US. I've often felt if I could know he was alive and in a warm place, that would be enough. I wouldn't need to ever see or hear from him as the encounters unravel me. It's hard to admit this. Can you step back? Only you know, but if you haven't let him fall yet, it's a question that needs to be asked. Are you doing it all to help him or you? Hugs from my heart to yours, this is so hard. [/QUOTE]
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When is it ok to walk away?
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