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When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 617650" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Wow, MWM. I was just going to post that Jake'sMom should keep paying because Jake is doing so well. I liked what you said so much. </p><p></p><p>All of it.</p><p></p><p>If it were me though (and at one time, ten thousand times actually, it was me) I would continue paying for everything, pretty much without question. Which plan, interestingly and horribly enough, found me, some twenty years later, finally having to tell a son who never did pick up, never did quite manage to finish a class, always needed money and another car and a license reinstated and etc that, given that he FB back in December (when he was 38 years old) that I was a jerk, and a bad mother, I was not going to give him any more money.</p><p></p><p>I haven't heard from him, since.</p><p></p><p>So...looks like MWM is correct.</p><p></p><p>Given that I would probably not be strong enough to stop paying and would blame myself for the rest of my life if something bad happened? I would keep paying, <u>for now</u>, and stop trying to control any other thing having to do with this son. He doesn't want to see you? </p><p></p><p>Accept that. </p><p></p><p>There will come a time when he does. </p><p></p><p>One of the most important things I have learned as I go about my own process of detaching is that I have the right to coast along and do nothing. I get to think what it is I want to do. I get to choose not to panic. </p><p></p><p>There is nothing you have to do, right now. </p><p></p><p>Cut Jake loose. Think about whether you want to cut off the money or not. Tell Jake you've changed your mind. (Another thing detaching has taught me. I don't have to be right every time. I get to change my mind. I get to take a chance and then, make a different decision.) Tell him you've decided this whole thing isn't working for you, and you are thinking about cutting off the money. You can even give him a timetable.</p><p></p><p>Then? Thank your lucky stars Jake has somewhere to live, and forget about agonizing over him. He's okay. Not homeless. On track and in school.</p><p></p><p>It is Jack who is behaving like a spoiled jerk. You have done nothing wrong. The last thing you want to do is continue trying to exert any control over Jack, at all. Your parents have stepped in and given him a place to live, effectively taking away whatever power you had.</p><p></p><p>Jack put them in a crummy position, too.</p><p></p><p>It's all about Jack, Jack, Jack.</p><p></p><p>Jack is 19. There are 19 year olds who fight in other countries, make their ways in the world, come home and honor their mothers.</p><p></p><p>That is who you want Jack to be.</p><p></p><p>You don't have to accept anything less.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>That's the thing with these kids. It's like a stupid, hurtful game. Jack has declared his independence.</p><p></p><p>Believe him.</p><p></p><p>Believe him, and declare yours.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 617650, member: 17461"] Wow, MWM. I was just going to post that Jake'sMom should keep paying because Jake is doing so well. I liked what you said so much. All of it. If it were me though (and at one time, ten thousand times actually, it was me) I would continue paying for everything, pretty much without question. Which plan, interestingly and horribly enough, found me, some twenty years later, finally having to tell a son who never did pick up, never did quite manage to finish a class, always needed money and another car and a license reinstated and etc that, given that he FB back in December (when he was 38 years old) that I was a jerk, and a bad mother, I was not going to give him any more money. I haven't heard from him, since. So...looks like MWM is correct. Given that I would probably not be strong enough to stop paying and would blame myself for the rest of my life if something bad happened? I would keep paying, [U]for now[/U], and stop trying to control any other thing having to do with this son. He doesn't want to see you? Accept that. There will come a time when he does. One of the most important things I have learned as I go about my own process of detaching is that I have the right to coast along and do nothing. I get to think what it is I want to do. I get to choose not to panic. There is nothing you have to do, right now. Cut Jake loose. Think about whether you want to cut off the money or not. Tell Jake you've changed your mind. (Another thing detaching has taught me. I don't have to be right every time. I get to change my mind. I get to take a chance and then, make a different decision.) Tell him you've decided this whole thing isn't working for you, and you are thinking about cutting off the money. You can even give him a timetable. Then? Thank your lucky stars Jake has somewhere to live, and forget about agonizing over him. He's okay. Not homeless. On track and in school. It is Jack who is behaving like a spoiled jerk. You have done nothing wrong. The last thing you want to do is continue trying to exert any control over Jack, at all. Your parents have stepped in and given him a place to live, effectively taking away whatever power you had. Jack put them in a crummy position, too. It's all about Jack, Jack, Jack. Jack is 19. There are 19 year olds who fight in other countries, make their ways in the world, come home and honor their mothers. That is who you want Jack to be. You don't have to accept anything less. Cedar That's the thing with these kids. It's like a stupid, hurtful game. Jack has declared his independence. Believe him. Believe him, and declare yours. [/QUOTE]
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When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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