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When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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<blockquote data-quote="BackintheSaddle" data-source="post: 617679" data-attributes="member: 17503"><p>that's excellent advice...thank you both...I too have been in therapy alot over the years, mostly as a result of growing up in an alcoholic highly dysfunctional family and being an ACOA (I'm a psychologist as well-- not that my training really helps me today!)...;-)....I've made 2 decisions today, one is that I'm not contacting him anymore but will respond if he contacts me for anything OTHER THAN money...so far, that has yet to happen, and the other is that I'm going to stop paying his insurance to some extent...we already had it set up that he pays for his tuition and IF he gets a 3.0, we'll pay him back...he didn't make that goal last semester so so far, he's paid all his tuition on his own (I buy books)...the $20 gas money is already agreed upon that the only way he gets that is with a weekly meeting...so we'll see how long that takes for him to contact me about...I did cut him off Netflix today!...I know that sounds so minor but it's a big deal to me...he will rant when he finds out he can't stream anymore...</p><p> </p><p>when you've made these choices in the past, like cutting them off...do you communicate with them about it? he will argue with me and tell me how awful I'm being to not support him since he is in school....i want to tell him that it's really about the fact that he has no remorse for how he's treated us/me (my husband is his adopted dad and is really detached from him at this point-- so none of this is his issue-- he'd cut all funds and communication off until he came back with apologies, ownership of his behavior, etc)...part of me wants to tell him that but part of me wants to just say outright, I've changed my mind and as of ____, I will no longer be paying for your truck insurance...he won't know why if I just do that but maybe that's ok?</p><p> </p><p>this is SOOOOO hard...I salute all you ladies...you are my heros!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BackintheSaddle, post: 617679, member: 17503"] that's excellent advice...thank you both...I too have been in therapy alot over the years, mostly as a result of growing up in an alcoholic highly dysfunctional family and being an ACOA (I'm a psychologist as well-- not that my training really helps me today!)...;-)....I've made 2 decisions today, one is that I'm not contacting him anymore but will respond if he contacts me for anything OTHER THAN money...so far, that has yet to happen, and the other is that I'm going to stop paying his insurance to some extent...we already had it set up that he pays for his tuition and IF he gets a 3.0, we'll pay him back...he didn't make that goal last semester so so far, he's paid all his tuition on his own (I buy books)...the $20 gas money is already agreed upon that the only way he gets that is with a weekly meeting...so we'll see how long that takes for him to contact me about...I did cut him off Netflix today!...I know that sounds so minor but it's a big deal to me...he will rant when he finds out he can't stream anymore... when you've made these choices in the past, like cutting them off...do you communicate with them about it? he will argue with me and tell me how awful I'm being to not support him since he is in school....i want to tell him that it's really about the fact that he has no remorse for how he's treated us/me (my husband is his adopted dad and is really detached from him at this point-- so none of this is his issue-- he'd cut all funds and communication off until he came back with apologies, ownership of his behavior, etc)...part of me wants to tell him that but part of me wants to just say outright, I've changed my mind and as of ____, I will no longer be paying for your truck insurance...he won't know why if I just do that but maybe that's ok? this is SOOOOO hard...I salute all you ladies...you are my heros! [/QUOTE]
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When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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