Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
When is total detachment the right thing to do?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 617702" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Seems like most of us on the PE end have had <u>a lot </u>of therapy..........</p><p></p><p>I don't believe we have to justify our reasons or explain to someone who actually doesn't care why, only that they get what they want............however, I do think that each case is different which is probably why this ends up being so difficult on us.............there are no rules, no cut and dry tactics that work all the time. What I learned is to take each incident, each situation as it comes and at that point make a decision about it in the moment based completely on what I wanted and what I was willing to do or not do. So, if this time it feels right to you to say, "as of-----I am not paying for your insurance".........then so be it. I would give him a heads up time so he can adjust to the new rules............</p><p></p><p>That flexibility in the moment is the opposite of control, which is the hallmark of the enabler..........so in letting our status as an enabler go, we also let go of a lot of control along the way..............we get to show up and be vulnerable, open, ready and right here in the present moment............available to what is in front of us. Sometimes when I didn't know how to respond, or what to do, I would breathe deeply, say a prayer and ask for guidance..............and then show up. I would try to then allow what I was feeling and my intuitive knowledge to lead me through. However, I do believe when we are new at this and trying to figure it all out, it is helpful to have a game plan going in. Something that helped me was to ask myself "what do I want and what am I willing to do <u>without</u> resentment?" That will usually bring some clarity in.</p><p></p><p>We bloodied and battered "heroes" are simply parents who put one foot in front of the other under impossibly difficult circumstances ............perhaps we are all heroes in that we survived!!</p><p></p><p>Good for you for cutting out the Netflix. I tend to agree with your husband in his assessment of the situation with your son............but I also know how loving him and feeling somehow guilty for real or imagined wrongdoings can keep us tied in for longer then is healthy...........once you stop feeling any guilt in it and you are able to put the ownership on the right shoulders, it gets considerably easier. </p><p></p><p>JakesMom, it sounds to me like you have all of your ducks lined up quite nicely actually............you have support, you have your therapist, you are thinking all of it through and asking for help.........you are willing to change when the situation calls for it and make tough choices when necessary.......... and you love your son but want him to grow up and man up.............seems like you just need some encouragement to follow your own instincts and get some tools to move forward. You're doing a good job. </p><p></p><p>Oh and if you haven't already, you might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post............As always, wishing you peace...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 617702, member: 13542"] Seems like most of us on the PE end have had [U]a lot [/U]of therapy.......... I don't believe we have to justify our reasons or explain to someone who actually doesn't care why, only that they get what they want............however, I do think that each case is different which is probably why this ends up being so difficult on us.............there are no rules, no cut and dry tactics that work all the time. What I learned is to take each incident, each situation as it comes and at that point make a decision about it in the moment based completely on what I wanted and what I was willing to do or not do. So, if this time it feels right to you to say, "as of-----I am not paying for your insurance".........then so be it. I would give him a heads up time so he can adjust to the new rules............ That flexibility in the moment is the opposite of control, which is the hallmark of the enabler..........so in letting our status as an enabler go, we also let go of a lot of control along the way..............we get to show up and be vulnerable, open, ready and right here in the present moment............available to what is in front of us. Sometimes when I didn't know how to respond, or what to do, I would breathe deeply, say a prayer and ask for guidance..............and then show up. I would try to then allow what I was feeling and my intuitive knowledge to lead me through. However, I do believe when we are new at this and trying to figure it all out, it is helpful to have a game plan going in. Something that helped me was to ask myself "what do I want and what am I willing to do [U]without[/U] resentment?" That will usually bring some clarity in. We bloodied and battered "heroes" are simply parents who put one foot in front of the other under impossibly difficult circumstances ............perhaps we are all heroes in that we survived!! Good for you for cutting out the Netflix. I tend to agree with your husband in his assessment of the situation with your son............but I also know how loving him and feeling somehow guilty for real or imagined wrongdoings can keep us tied in for longer then is healthy...........once you stop feeling any guilt in it and you are able to put the ownership on the right shoulders, it gets considerably easier. JakesMom, it sounds to me like you have all of your ducks lined up quite nicely actually............you have support, you have your therapist, you are thinking all of it through and asking for help.........you are willing to change when the situation calls for it and make tough choices when necessary.......... and you love your son but want him to grow up and man up.............seems like you just need some encouragement to follow your own instincts and get some tools to move forward. You're doing a good job. Oh and if you haven't already, you might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post............As always, wishing you peace........... [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
When is total detachment the right thing to do?
Top