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Parent Emeritus
When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 618099" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Echolette, my old therapist told me that that squirming feeling, the strong desire to take action is not about our difficult child, it is about US. It is the enabler's response where in order to NOT feel what we are feeling..............powerlessness, fear, anxiety, resentment, sorrow, whatever.............we respond, we act, we DO something, anything...........anything but feel all of that.</p><p></p><p>It was a process for me to change my responses to my difficult child. Years ago, she would call me and I would literally stay on the phone with her for an hour listening to her tirade of all that wasn't working in her life. It was awful. I couldn't drag myself away, I felt like I HAD to listen to that toxicity thrown at me...............my therapist at the time said, just say you have to go and get off the phone. It was like a new idea..........."really, I can do that?" It felt disloyal. I needed someone to give me actual permission to NOT listen to that. As someone here just recently was saying, the kids call and go into their litany of everything that isn't working, it isn't a conversation with social niceties where you are asked how you feel and what is up in your life, it is a VENT of negativity thrown at you. The next step was I just didn't answer the phone. Then she would leave messages asking me for something. I would wait to respond and talk it over with someone. It was usually my SO and my opening line was always, "difficult child called and wants #@*% and these are my thoughts about it, are there any holes in my thinking?" And he would point out the holes. Then I would respond with my altered thoughts, which was almost always a form of NO.</p><p></p><p>Last Christmas, a year ago, I invited her but made it clear that I wanted her to come to dinner, but she had to leave the drama at home. She knew exactly what I meant and she came and there was no drama. I have made my boundaries around her behavior crystal clear and she abides by them now, although I don't see her often .............. frankly I don't think she can stay out of drama very long, it's like a drug.</p><p></p><p>Once she was clear that I was not giving her what she wanted, she just stopped calling! As I erected stronger and stronger boundaries around myself, I had less and less contact with her. That took awhile, it didn't happen overnight, it was a process of me saying NO to all of the demands or requests for inappropriate things. And, I had A LOT of help from professionals and my SO and friends and this forum, to continue changing my responses, little by little............and as I changed my responses, as I said NO, she slowly stopped asking.</p><p></p><p>I can't speak for any other difficult child's, however there do seem to be remarkable similarities..............once a source dries up, often they are on to another source. They just don't think the way we do...........it isn't about love, trust, responsibility, intimacy, friendship or connection............it is about where you can get what you want or think you need RIGHT NOW. I stopped being a source and she stopped thinking I was one.</p><p></p><p>And, BITS, the accusations of not loving them is a manipulation which plays on our guilt and it usually works........at least until WE wake up to their shenanigans. It's a well honed script we play.............they say this, we respond with that.............it's perfected over years, we all know our lines. But if YOU change your response, the script goes in the garbage, the whole dialogue has to change...........and over time, they either get with the program or they exit from our lives onto the next person who can pick up the script the way difficult child needs it to play out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 618099, member: 13542"] Echolette, my old therapist told me that that squirming feeling, the strong desire to take action is not about our difficult child, it is about US. It is the enabler's response where in order to NOT feel what we are feeling..............powerlessness, fear, anxiety, resentment, sorrow, whatever.............we respond, we act, we DO something, anything...........anything but feel all of that. It was a process for me to change my responses to my difficult child. Years ago, she would call me and I would literally stay on the phone with her for an hour listening to her tirade of all that wasn't working in her life. It was awful. I couldn't drag myself away, I felt like I HAD to listen to that toxicity thrown at me...............my therapist at the time said, just say you have to go and get off the phone. It was like a new idea..........."really, I can do that?" It felt disloyal. I needed someone to give me actual permission to NOT listen to that. As someone here just recently was saying, the kids call and go into their litany of everything that isn't working, it isn't a conversation with social niceties where you are asked how you feel and what is up in your life, it is a VENT of negativity thrown at you. The next step was I just didn't answer the phone. Then she would leave messages asking me for something. I would wait to respond and talk it over with someone. It was usually my SO and my opening line was always, "difficult child called and wants #@*% and these are my thoughts about it, are there any holes in my thinking?" And he would point out the holes. Then I would respond with my altered thoughts, which was almost always a form of NO. Last Christmas, a year ago, I invited her but made it clear that I wanted her to come to dinner, but she had to leave the drama at home. She knew exactly what I meant and she came and there was no drama. I have made my boundaries around her behavior crystal clear and she abides by them now, although I don't see her often .............. frankly I don't think she can stay out of drama very long, it's like a drug. Once she was clear that I was not giving her what she wanted, she just stopped calling! As I erected stronger and stronger boundaries around myself, I had less and less contact with her. That took awhile, it didn't happen overnight, it was a process of me saying NO to all of the demands or requests for inappropriate things. And, I had A LOT of help from professionals and my SO and friends and this forum, to continue changing my responses, little by little............and as I changed my responses, as I said NO, she slowly stopped asking. I can't speak for any other difficult child's, however there do seem to be remarkable similarities..............once a source dries up, often they are on to another source. They just don't think the way we do...........it isn't about love, trust, responsibility, intimacy, friendship or connection............it is about where you can get what you want or think you need RIGHT NOW. I stopped being a source and she stopped thinking I was one. And, BITS, the accusations of not loving them is a manipulation which plays on our guilt and it usually works........at least until WE wake up to their shenanigans. It's a well honed script we play.............they say this, we respond with that.............it's perfected over years, we all know our lines. But if YOU change your response, the script goes in the garbage, the whole dialogue has to change...........and over time, they either get with the program or they exit from our lives onto the next person who can pick up the script the way difficult child needs it to play out. [/QUOTE]
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When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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