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When no amount of discipline and rewards seem to work?
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<blockquote data-quote="Ehlena" data-source="post: 403160" data-attributes="member: 6097"><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">I feel like difficult child has some empathy, but I also notice a huge disconnect when trying to get him to understand how others feel. Using Well, what if you lent your favorite toy to a friend and he broke it or similar results in answers like Id beat him/her up Id burn his/her house down etc. I just cant get him to connect it back to him breaking someone elses things. He often justifies his poor actions with She deserved it anyway, Ill bet no one would care if he died, and on and on.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">He didnt used to talk or act like this. He always had difficulties as a child, and he was difficult to raise, but never to the point of being unmanageable. He used to be a sweet kid. I still see it sometimes, but less often.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">He loves to play the guitar, and we are encouraging that as much as possible. My husband knows how to play, as does his CASA worker, so they have been teaching him and helping him find the songs he wants to play. Unfortunately, he also now insists that he is going to be a rock star and doesnt need school.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">He was definitely exposed to meth in utero, and as a baby. He used to do well in school. Hes actually a really smart kid, and was in honors English last year because he tested so highly. No history of cruelty to animals, etc. He did do the pulling wings off of insects thing, and is too rough with the dog (small breed), but nothing else more a curiosity thing I think than a cruelty thing.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">He had speech delays, and has moved from house to house. First he was with his mom, then she had her children taken away from her because of neglect and drug use. Since my husband was in another area of the state attending university, my father-in-law took custody of difficult child. Mom cleaned up and took him back (half a year later I think?), then relapsed seven months later. She dropped her kids off at her moms and told her shed be back to pick them up when she cleaned up. Didnt come back. So her sister called my father-in-law and let him know what was going on. My father-in-law took custody of difficult child from then (I think he was 3 or 4), until difficult child was 10. My husband visited and took care of difficult child for long stretches of time when he was older (up to a month, while my father-in-law traveled). This is when I came into the picture, when difficult child was 9.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Unfortunately, my father-in-law has heart problems, and difficult child was becoming more and more oppositional. He could no longer take care of difficult child, so my husband and I took custody of him. Things were ok for the first year and a half. It was hard sometimes, but once we got the diagnosis of ADHD and started some intensive work on that, things got better. We eventually ended up having to put him on medication after trying all other interventions, and difficult child really blossomed. He was getting mostly As, some Bs. His teacher told us she wished all of her students were like difficult child. He was really happy and doing better socially.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Somewhere in there two things happened. difficult childs mom had another baby and was able to keep it, and my husband filed for child support. We went from mom calling maybe once every couple months, to calling <em>every</em> <em>day</em>. She filed for custody, and a short back-and-forth court thing ensued. Mom settled, out of court, for once/month weekend visitation. Since she had been clean for a year, my husband agreed to this, but supervised by <em>her</em> mother (which we now realize was useless). A few months later, mom got custody of her eldest son, and made sure to tell difficult child that it was because he had been acting out, was depressed, etc. Her eldest sons dad and stepmom finally told him he could go live with mom because they didnt feel like they could have a relationship with him with the way he was acting in their home.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">difficult child has admitted that he started acting out because it worked for his older brother. He became completely unmanageable. Hed go on these rants about how he hated us, hated living with us, never wanted to grow up to be like us. Also some weird stuff that we now realize was fed to him by his mom financial things that he shouldnt have known about. Became destructive and aggressive. His grades plummeted to straight Fs. He started an intense campaign to reject me as a parental figure. Calling me names, leaving me nasty voicemail messages, even going so far as to throw things at me on one occasion. Up to this point wed had a really close relationship. His mom wasnt around so Id done my best to step up. Im actually kind of surprised, given the way difficult child was treating me, that he chose to latch onto my husband as the abuser.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">It all blew up about a year ago when the police showed up at our door and arrested my husband. CPS took difficult child, and when he was told he was not going to go live with his mother, got angry, and was quoted as saying that he wanted to call his mother because he was mad at her because the plan didnt work and this was all for nothing.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">First foster home was temporary. He got kicked out of the second foster home for racial slurs and aggression towards the younger children. No one wanted to take him after that, but the respite care home decided that since his behavior had improved, that they would take him. This place was a joke. No consequences imposed whatsoever. Wed call at night, after dark, and no one would know where difficult child was. This is when he started drinking and smoking marijuana. He started skipping classes and being chronically late to school. The foster agency eventually decided they could no longer accept him as a liability because he was showing up to his visitations with his mom stoned, and was making disturbing threats against the foster parents. The foster parents were also no longer able to control him he came and went as he pleased.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">He was moved from there to the level 12 group home.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">This morning, due to his behavior, he has been moved from his current school to a different one in the district, in hopes that a fresh start will have an impact on him. The teachers were no longer able to exert any control over him, and he was becoming a disruption and a danger to the other students.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">He has a behavioral contract instituted as of Friday with clear consequences, in addition to the points and level system of the group home. If he continues his poor behavior, one of the staff will be attending school with him, and his guitar will be removed from the group home permanently.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">difficult child has told us that if something happens then he will hide the guitar so no one can take it. And if they find it, he will hold onto it and they will have to call the police to take it away from him because the group home employees cant touch him and he was going to get them into trouble if they touched him, etc. Although my husband I tried to point out repeatedly that it was up to difficult child whether or not he got into trouble, he couldnt seem to connect this with him having any control over his life and actions. He could only seem to focus on avoiding the consequences.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Thanks for the advice and support. Hes had a full psychiatric evaluation, but well bring up the possibility of a neuropsychologist evaluation with the social worker at the next meeting. I'm anxious because there is an expectation of him returning home in four months, and his behaviors just keep getting worse - we don't have the manpower here to supervise him 24/7.</span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ehlena, post: 403160, member: 6097"] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]I feel like difficult child has some empathy, but I also notice a huge disconnect when trying to get him to understand how others feel. Using Well, what if you lent your favorite toy to a friend and he broke it or similar results in answers like Id beat him/her up Id burn his/her house down etc. I just cant get him to connect it back to him breaking someone elses things. He often justifies his poor actions with She deserved it anyway, Ill bet no one would care if he died, and on and on.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]He didnt used to talk or act like this. He always had difficulties as a child, and he was difficult to raise, but never to the point of being unmanageable. He used to be a sweet kid. I still see it sometimes, but less often.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]He loves to play the guitar, and we are encouraging that as much as possible. My husband knows how to play, as does his CASA worker, so they have been teaching him and helping him find the songs he wants to play. Unfortunately, he also now insists that he is going to be a rock star and doesnt need school.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]He was definitely exposed to meth in utero, and as a baby. He used to do well in school. Hes actually a really smart kid, and was in honors English last year because he tested so highly. No history of cruelty to animals, etc. He did do the pulling wings off of insects thing, and is too rough with the dog (small breed), but nothing else more a curiosity thing I think than a cruelty thing.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]He had speech delays, and has moved from house to house. First he was with his mom, then she had her children taken away from her because of neglect and drug use. Since my husband was in another area of the state attending university, my father-in-law took custody of difficult child. Mom cleaned up and took him back (half a year later I think?), then relapsed seven months later. She dropped her kids off at her moms and told her shed be back to pick them up when she cleaned up. Didnt come back. So her sister called my father-in-law and let him know what was going on. My father-in-law took custody of difficult child from then (I think he was 3 or 4), until difficult child was 10. My husband visited and took care of difficult child for long stretches of time when he was older (up to a month, while my father-in-law traveled). This is when I came into the picture, when difficult child was 9.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Unfortunately, my father-in-law has heart problems, and difficult child was becoming more and more oppositional. He could no longer take care of difficult child, so my husband and I took custody of him. Things were ok for the first year and a half. It was hard sometimes, but once we got the diagnosis of ADHD and started some intensive work on that, things got better. We eventually ended up having to put him on medication after trying all other interventions, and difficult child really blossomed. He was getting mostly As, some Bs. His teacher told us she wished all of her students were like difficult child. He was really happy and doing better socially.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Somewhere in there two things happened. difficult childs mom had another baby and was able to keep it, and my husband filed for child support. We went from mom calling maybe once every couple months, to calling [I]every[/I] [I]day[/I]. She filed for custody, and a short back-and-forth court thing ensued. Mom settled, out of court, for once/month weekend visitation. Since she had been clean for a year, my husband agreed to this, but supervised by [I]her[/I] mother (which we now realize was useless). A few months later, mom got custody of her eldest son, and made sure to tell difficult child that it was because he had been acting out, was depressed, etc. Her eldest sons dad and stepmom finally told him he could go live with mom because they didnt feel like they could have a relationship with him with the way he was acting in their home.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]difficult child has admitted that he started acting out because it worked for his older brother. He became completely unmanageable. Hed go on these rants about how he hated us, hated living with us, never wanted to grow up to be like us. Also some weird stuff that we now realize was fed to him by his mom financial things that he shouldnt have known about. Became destructive and aggressive. His grades plummeted to straight Fs. He started an intense campaign to reject me as a parental figure. Calling me names, leaving me nasty voicemail messages, even going so far as to throw things at me on one occasion. Up to this point wed had a really close relationship. His mom wasnt around so Id done my best to step up. Im actually kind of surprised, given the way difficult child was treating me, that he chose to latch onto my husband as the abuser.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]It all blew up about a year ago when the police showed up at our door and arrested my husband. CPS took difficult child, and when he was told he was not going to go live with his mother, got angry, and was quoted as saying that he wanted to call his mother because he was mad at her because the plan didnt work and this was all for nothing.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]First foster home was temporary. He got kicked out of the second foster home for racial slurs and aggression towards the younger children. No one wanted to take him after that, but the respite care home decided that since his behavior had improved, that they would take him. This place was a joke. No consequences imposed whatsoever. Wed call at night, after dark, and no one would know where difficult child was. This is when he started drinking and smoking marijuana. He started skipping classes and being chronically late to school. The foster agency eventually decided they could no longer accept him as a liability because he was showing up to his visitations with his mom stoned, and was making disturbing threats against the foster parents. The foster parents were also no longer able to control him he came and went as he pleased.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]He was moved from there to the level 12 group home.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]This morning, due to his behavior, he has been moved from his current school to a different one in the district, in hopes that a fresh start will have an impact on him. The teachers were no longer able to exert any control over him, and he was becoming a disruption and a danger to the other students.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]He has a behavioral contract instituted as of Friday with clear consequences, in addition to the points and level system of the group home. If he continues his poor behavior, one of the staff will be attending school with him, and his guitar will be removed from the group home permanently.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]difficult child has told us that if something happens then he will hide the guitar so no one can take it. And if they find it, he will hold onto it and they will have to call the police to take it away from him because the group home employees cant touch him and he was going to get them into trouble if they touched him, etc. Although my husband I tried to point out repeatedly that it was up to difficult child whether or not he got into trouble, he couldnt seem to connect this with him having any control over his life and actions. He could only seem to focus on avoiding the consequences.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Thanks for the advice and support. Hes had a full psychiatric evaluation, but well bring up the possibility of a neuropsychologist evaluation with the social worker at the next meeting. I'm anxious because there is an expectation of him returning home in four months, and his behaviors just keep getting worse - we don't have the manpower here to supervise him 24/7.[/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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