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When to help our adult children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 94201" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>GG, just because you parent differently than your parents doesn't make it wrong. </p><p>I know you struggled early on. I did too. Not a red cent from the time I graduated h.s. If I wanted to go on to school, it was on me. </p><p>If I wanted a car it was up to me. No intervention when I had to take the bus into the scarier parts of the city to go to work at 11PM. It would have been good to have someone concerned with my safety. </p><p></p><p>I think the secret is gratitude. If the kids are grateful and know this is a gift, then I don't have much of a problem with some help. My son's are both fairly dependent yet but I have a sister and brother who are considerably younger than me. They were sort of my first kids. </p><p>I send nephews things I think they will need to help the strain on my sister's budget. It isn't bailing them out of the their two new cars but it limits the collateral damage. We are a bit of security net for when they are in a difficult situation. It is not habit or routine by any means. They also must pay back loans on a monthly basis. No paying, no further help. We haven't ever had a problem because there is gratitude. </p><p></p><p>There were times when we were in our first little house and husband went to school at night that a bag of groceries or a 20.00 to pay the electric bill would have been a big relief. Never happened. Neither set of parents even thought to help out. I shouldn't say that, my mom helped me clean and set up the kitchen. She brought cooking implements. :rofl:(good wives cook) </p><p></p><p>If helping the grandchildren suits you, then do it. I wouldn't enable by having the adult kids look to you every time they are squeezed as they go out to buy the next thing they think they need. </p><p></p><p>I would rather pay to give them things that aren't in their budgets. A chance to go to a cabin on a lake with the kids and grandparents. It gives the grandkids shared memories with the family and it may not be something they would be able to do on their own. I wouldn't make a routine of car payments or mortgage payments. They have to stand up and live up to the responsibilities they signed on for. </p><p></p><p>I'm of the thinking that independence is a goal but family helps family. We all need someone or something to make getting through this life a little less scary or lonely. The secret seems to be balance and when to know that helping is a negative and not a positive. </p><p>In the meantime, enjoy your retirement and don't worry about them. Do what suits your personality.</p><p>You don't answer to your parents and don't tell them your business in regards to the kids. They had their chance. Now it's yours. </p><p>You answer to your God, your husband and yourself. Everyone else is not part of the process.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 94201, member: 3"] GG, just because you parent differently than your parents doesn't make it wrong. I know you struggled early on. I did too. Not a red cent from the time I graduated h.s. If I wanted to go on to school, it was on me. If I wanted a car it was up to me. No intervention when I had to take the bus into the scarier parts of the city to go to work at 11PM. It would have been good to have someone concerned with my safety. I think the secret is gratitude. If the kids are grateful and know this is a gift, then I don't have much of a problem with some help. My son's are both fairly dependent yet but I have a sister and brother who are considerably younger than me. They were sort of my first kids. I send nephews things I think they will need to help the strain on my sister's budget. It isn't bailing them out of the their two new cars but it limits the collateral damage. We are a bit of security net for when they are in a difficult situation. It is not habit or routine by any means. They also must pay back loans on a monthly basis. No paying, no further help. We haven't ever had a problem because there is gratitude. There were times when we were in our first little house and husband went to school at night that a bag of groceries or a 20.00 to pay the electric bill would have been a big relief. Never happened. Neither set of parents even thought to help out. I shouldn't say that, my mom helped me clean and set up the kitchen. She brought cooking implements. [img]:rofl:[/img](good wives cook) If helping the grandchildren suits you, then do it. I wouldn't enable by having the adult kids look to you every time they are squeezed as they go out to buy the next thing they think they need. I would rather pay to give them things that aren't in their budgets. A chance to go to a cabin on a lake with the kids and grandparents. It gives the grandkids shared memories with the family and it may not be something they would be able to do on their own. I wouldn't make a routine of car payments or mortgage payments. They have to stand up and live up to the responsibilities they signed on for. I'm of the thinking that independence is a goal but family helps family. We all need someone or something to make getting through this life a little less scary or lonely. The secret seems to be balance and when to know that helping is a negative and not a positive. In the meantime, enjoy your retirement and don't worry about them. Do what suits your personality. You don't answer to your parents and don't tell them your business in regards to the kids. They had their chance. Now it's yours. You answer to your God, your husband and yourself. Everyone else is not part of the process. [/QUOTE]
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