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When to help our adult children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Terryforvols" data-source="post: 94360" data-attributes="member: 2127"><p>I HOPE BELOW MAKES SENSE !!</p><p></p><p>We have two adult children, a son and daughter (who was the MAIN difficult child, although both were there at times!). Daughter is recently married and pregnant and in college. Her husband is a former addict, also, who has a terrific work ethic. He apparently got addicted early, in H.S., and never graduated or got his GED, but works for a business that sells and installs skylights and is doing well. Unfortunately, he is a terrible $$ manager and his mom takes his paycheck and pays bills out of it (their house and utility pmts, he has just now been able to open a bank acct because of his past). We do a different type of thing for difficult child (who also has just been able to open a bank acct), her student loan $$ is here and she figures out what bills she has to pay and we send her a month of $$ and she pays things. Our son is an excellent $$ manager, better than his parents!! He very rarely, if ever, asks for $$ and you can count on being repaid exactly when he says he will. husband and I were TERRIBLE $$ managers when our kids were growing up and, sadly, are just now coming out of it. When I think back where we could be now if we had only been responsible 27 years ago it makes me sick!! That is embarassing to admit to!!</p><p></p><p>We have helped daughter in the past to the point of our own financial security. As I have said in the past, we drained every dime from our retirement to send her to long term Residential Treatment Center (RTC), which was cash only, but it saved her life and we would do it again; I really don't count that as "giving" her $$, it literally saved her. We are now 50 years old with only a small amount in 401(K) when we had close to $90,000 3 years ago!! Due to drugs, she was in so deep financially that it has taken her and us two years to get out (we agreed to help her if she stayed in rehab, complete the program x 8 months and stay clean, which she did). Now she is more stable and for the past 6-12 months, she has cut down on needing $$. Now that she is pregnant, I have bought her two shirts off E-Bay recently. When using drugs, she had more of a "deserve it" mentality, but now she is so grateful for everything. She would have never gone to a consignment store in the past, but being out on her own has opened her eyes. </p><p></p><p>ANYWAY, I would never let either child be hungry or homeless, but the time has gone by for just giving them $$ to go have fun with like an allowance. I am sure once the baby comes that I will buy a lot of clothes, but on E-Bay or consignment mostly. difficult child's husband's family is loaded with $$ and difficult child said last year that she had never seen a Christmas like they have. We will help them in times of need (no vacations, cars, etc.) as long as they are helping themselves as best as possible, but my daughter has 3+ years before she gets her education degree and it will be rough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Terryforvols, post: 94360, member: 2127"] I HOPE BELOW MAKES SENSE !! We have two adult children, a son and daughter (who was the MAIN difficult child, although both were there at times!). Daughter is recently married and pregnant and in college. Her husband is a former addict, also, who has a terrific work ethic. He apparently got addicted early, in H.S., and never graduated or got his GED, but works for a business that sells and installs skylights and is doing well. Unfortunately, he is a terrible $$ manager and his mom takes his paycheck and pays bills out of it (their house and utility pmts, he has just now been able to open a bank acct because of his past). We do a different type of thing for difficult child (who also has just been able to open a bank acct), her student loan $$ is here and she figures out what bills she has to pay and we send her a month of $$ and she pays things. Our son is an excellent $$ manager, better than his parents!! He very rarely, if ever, asks for $$ and you can count on being repaid exactly when he says he will. husband and I were TERRIBLE $$ managers when our kids were growing up and, sadly, are just now coming out of it. When I think back where we could be now if we had only been responsible 27 years ago it makes me sick!! That is embarassing to admit to!! We have helped daughter in the past to the point of our own financial security. As I have said in the past, we drained every dime from our retirement to send her to long term Residential Treatment Center (RTC), which was cash only, but it saved her life and we would do it again; I really don't count that as "giving" her $$, it literally saved her. We are now 50 years old with only a small amount in 401(K) when we had close to $90,000 3 years ago!! Due to drugs, she was in so deep financially that it has taken her and us two years to get out (we agreed to help her if she stayed in rehab, complete the program x 8 months and stay clean, which she did). Now she is more stable and for the past 6-12 months, she has cut down on needing $$. Now that she is pregnant, I have bought her two shirts off E-Bay recently. When using drugs, she had more of a "deserve it" mentality, but now she is so grateful for everything. She would have never gone to a consignment store in the past, but being out on her own has opened her eyes. ANYWAY, I would never let either child be hungry or homeless, but the time has gone by for just giving them $$ to go have fun with like an allowance. I am sure once the baby comes that I will buy a lot of clothes, but on E-Bay or consignment mostly. difficult child's husband's family is loaded with $$ and difficult child said last year that she had never seen a Christmas like they have. We will help them in times of need (no vacations, cars, etc.) as long as they are helping themselves as best as possible, but my daughter has 3+ years before she gets her education degree and it will be rough. [/QUOTE]
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