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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 362917" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>3 Shadows - </p><p> </p><p>The joy was mixed. The hell of it all was that while I KNEW I was loved, KNEW I was wanted, KNEW I had fantastic parents, KNEW I went to good schools, had a wonderful home, sister - et al? The hell is - NOT KNOWING that "THIS EVENT" is what causes you to make poor choices in your life. </p><p> </p><p>I have since discussed the near entirety of my therapy with my Mom. She said that she knew for years that something was amiss, but when you give a child everything and they STILL backfire on themselves - you detach and figure that whatever it is eating away at them - is THEIR problem to work out. She was right. There is NO amount of her talking to me, or my Dad telling me how much I was loved that would make what was in the deepest recesses of my mind go away. I did not even KNOW why I did what I did - that was the hell for me. I'd sit after an explosion and not even want to be around ME. Then it rollercoasters - and rolls, and rolls, and like I said - EVENTUALLY - you have NO earthly reason to feel like you do - it's just a series of unfortunate events. </p><p> </p><p>I've talked to kids who had open adoptions - I've talked to kids who didn't know they were adopted their ENTIRE LIVES - I've talked to kids who were told early (like me) and in almost EVERY instance? There is this unmistakable feeling that yes....I am loved and wanted -and while I could say it with my mouth - my brain was doing a number on my emotions. </p><p> </p><p>I was 40ish before I figured it all out and found peace and self-worth. It took a LOT of counseling, and life experiences. For your son - there has to want to be a change for himself. NOTHING to do with you at all. He's just got to be so tired of his own habits that he says - I think I dont' like myself. Then pick a counselor and work hard to figure out why he self-sabotages. </p><p> </p><p>by the way - it does NOT mean in any way, shape or form - that he doesn't love you. I think it speaks very loudly as to why he looks for that 'family' unit outside of the wonderful one he has. It proves to me - he's searching - for what he has no clue - I do - been there done that, and he'll continue to do this his entire life until he deals with his past. You can't just shut the storage door - over and over and over and stuff things and stuff things and stuff things - and then have your brain stuff things you don't even realize before the doors blow off one of those "memory bins" and you have a mess of a life and no direction to put it back together. For that - you need professional help. You need someone that isn't related to you, objective that won't cut you any slack or give you any BS - and grow from there. </p><p> </p><p>I have felt for years and state this quite often that during an adoption I think it would help the child - if there were a picture or history left AND a note explaining why that you could open later in life if you wished. Then again - for those kids that do know, that I know - it wasn't much easier for them - most had parents who gave them up due to drugs, underage pregnancy or neglect. Knowing that may have been worse than not knowing. I guess the coolest thing is that now I feel completely free to be me. In every weird little aspect of the word....me. Before it was like I never gave myself permission to completely love my family because again - back of mind - this wasn't my family - it could go away at any time.....it would be taken from me - don't get used to it. I wish my brain had known that years ago and told me it was okay to be me and love whom I wanted without feeling like I was betraying someone I never met. It's really been an interesting life. I never would have been who I am without it - and no - I don't have a single desire to seek out anyone, or meet siblings. I think given an opportunity to 'meet' any bioparents? I would decline, simply with a letter saying THank you for giving me a life it must have been quite a sacrafice, because I am a fantastic person. </p><p> </p><p>(shrug) thats' all. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 362917, member: 4964"] 3 Shadows - The joy was mixed. The hell of it all was that while I KNEW I was loved, KNEW I was wanted, KNEW I had fantastic parents, KNEW I went to good schools, had a wonderful home, sister - et al? The hell is - NOT KNOWING that "THIS EVENT" is what causes you to make poor choices in your life. I have since discussed the near entirety of my therapy with my Mom. She said that she knew for years that something was amiss, but when you give a child everything and they STILL backfire on themselves - you detach and figure that whatever it is eating away at them - is THEIR problem to work out. She was right. There is NO amount of her talking to me, or my Dad telling me how much I was loved that would make what was in the deepest recesses of my mind go away. I did not even KNOW why I did what I did - that was the hell for me. I'd sit after an explosion and not even want to be around ME. Then it rollercoasters - and rolls, and rolls, and like I said - EVENTUALLY - you have NO earthly reason to feel like you do - it's just a series of unfortunate events. I've talked to kids who had open adoptions - I've talked to kids who didn't know they were adopted their ENTIRE LIVES - I've talked to kids who were told early (like me) and in almost EVERY instance? There is this unmistakable feeling that yes....I am loved and wanted -and while I could say it with my mouth - my brain was doing a number on my emotions. I was 40ish before I figured it all out and found peace and self-worth. It took a LOT of counseling, and life experiences. For your son - there has to want to be a change for himself. NOTHING to do with you at all. He's just got to be so tired of his own habits that he says - I think I dont' like myself. Then pick a counselor and work hard to figure out why he self-sabotages. by the way - it does NOT mean in any way, shape or form - that he doesn't love you. I think it speaks very loudly as to why he looks for that 'family' unit outside of the wonderful one he has. It proves to me - he's searching - for what he has no clue - I do - been there done that, and he'll continue to do this his entire life until he deals with his past. You can't just shut the storage door - over and over and over and stuff things and stuff things and stuff things - and then have your brain stuff things you don't even realize before the doors blow off one of those "memory bins" and you have a mess of a life and no direction to put it back together. For that - you need professional help. You need someone that isn't related to you, objective that won't cut you any slack or give you any BS - and grow from there. I have felt for years and state this quite often that during an adoption I think it would help the child - if there were a picture or history left AND a note explaining why that you could open later in life if you wished. Then again - for those kids that do know, that I know - it wasn't much easier for them - most had parents who gave them up due to drugs, underage pregnancy or neglect. Knowing that may have been worse than not knowing. I guess the coolest thing is that now I feel completely free to be me. In every weird little aspect of the word....me. Before it was like I never gave myself permission to completely love my family because again - back of mind - this wasn't my family - it could go away at any time.....it would be taken from me - don't get used to it. I wish my brain had known that years ago and told me it was okay to be me and love whom I wanted without feeling like I was betraying someone I never met. It's really been an interesting life. I never would have been who I am without it - and no - I don't have a single desire to seek out anyone, or meet siblings. I think given an opportunity to 'meet' any bioparents? I would decline, simply with a letter saying THank you for giving me a life it must have been quite a sacrafice, because I am a fantastic person. (shrug) thats' all. :winking: [/QUOTE]
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