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<blockquote data-quote="dashcat" data-source="post: 362984" data-attributes="member: 9175"><p>Star,</p><p>You will probably never really know what your post has meant to me. I read it last night, cried through the whole thing, and wanted to wait to reply. You see, I've read everything there is to read on the subject of adoption, I've talked to some pretty awesome professionals (who know about the bizarre things my difficult child has been up to), I've talked to adult adoptees, birthmothers who have surrendered, foster families, and NOBODY has ever put into words anything close to the heartwrenching, bare and honest truth you laid down here.</p><p> </p><p>What you described pretty much fits difficult child to a T. She does not have a huge tember, but she internalizes (and is quite a bit passive/aggressive) to the point that I don't know how deep it goes or even how very strong it might be. When you pointed out that she doesn't know - and can't explain - the why behind her actions, I felt like a window was opened in my head. She has repeatedly told me that she doesn't know why she lies about so much, why she seeks out 28 year old men with whom to exchange sexual text messages (she was 16) .... and still I kept asking. I kept asking because I thought I could help her face things. I thought I could help her to see that she was raised in truth and with more love that some people could hope for .... and maybe she will, but not through my asking. And probably not for a long time. </p><p> </p><p>Your post made me cry, Star, because you have come so far. I can only pray my difficult child is imbued with your kind of wisdom and that, someday, she can begin to understand. I remember once, in the height of all this craziness with her running off to North Carolina with the internet stranger, crying to my DEX on the phone and asking "Will she remember the days I sat in the driveway with the hose and she and a gaggle of six year olds played water jump rope? Will she remember making tin foil boats and floating them in the sink on rainy days? Or will she just remmber that she couldn't wait to get away from me?" Your post gave me hope that she will rembemer these things. If I could hope for only one thing, though, it would be that - like you - she would know she had been loved.</p><p> </p><p>When her dad morphed from "great guy" to "idiot, pathetic mid-life crisis guy" and left us, I told her very gently that she was not to play the divorced kid trump card. She was on the cusp of difficult child and I had no idea what was coming, but I could see signs and wanted her to know I wasn't accepting any of the Officer Krupke excuses. I had no intention of playing the displaced housewife trump card, and she wasn't going to get away with it either. And I can't help wondering if I've not silently,unintentionally, sent her that same message about adoption and, thus, increased her struggles.</p><p> </p><p>We've been as open as we could be. Like your parents, told her from the very beginnning, kept in touch with the foster family, the caseworker, even the judge who finalized. It's a closed adoption, but we do know a few things and we've answered every question. There are three poloroids of her and her birthmom that we gave her the very first time she asked if there were photos (she was 12). There was a letter we gave her, again, when she asked at 13. We told her she could search, but not until 18. I told her I would help - or not help, whatever she needed, but that I completely respect and support her wanting to know. She always said she'd search and, after hitting 18, seemed not to really want to. We support not searching and we've told her that. I know that nobody can take my place and I understand, completely, the desire to fill in the blanks in your life. So, you see, even having those mementos doesn't quite fill the void.</p><p> </p><p>When you talk about been thrown away - she has articulated that somewhat. She wrote something that she'd intended to be private - and then showed it to me . She wrote about a teenage girl holding a baby and knowing she couldn't raise her. In her fantasy, bio dad is there (of course) and she writes, "they were completely overwhelmed looking at this baby - this mistake - and that baby was ME.". Oh, God. </p><p> </p><p>Then that stuiid movie JUNO came out. Don't even get me started. Have you seen it? The teen mom refers constantly to the life she is carrying as "it", the adoptive parents are p ortrayed as yuppie monsters, the boy is not made to take any responsiblity,.... horrid. She got it for us to watch together on my birthday (she'd already seen it, so she knew). Thanks.</p><p> </p><p>And 3 shadows, I feel for you too. You say love isn't enough and, while I understand where you're coming from, I hope you'll look at it a bit differently. Love might not be enough right now, but it is all that matters. In many ways, it's more than enough. I was talking to difficult child's therapist one day, lamenting the fact that we'd sent her to this awesome private school (which she loved, by the way) and why, oh why, was she choosing to fail. therapist quietly asked "where do you think she'd be without you? where do you think she'd be if you hadn't sent her to this school? if you didn't monitor her, call parents, hold her accountable?" Very good questions.</p><p> </p><p>difficult child asked me, right after the North Carolina incident, if I would still have adopted her knowing how difficult she would be at 18. I looked at her as though she'd just sprouted another head and said, without a second hesitation, "Of course I would. We didn't adopt becasue we wanted <em>a baby</em>. We adopted because we wanted <strong>YOU</strong>." Maybe she'll remember that, too.</p><p> </p><p>And, yes, I'm still worried about Borderline (BPD) - or something. I'm still struggling with the letting go and the promise that I am her rock. I struggle with not enabling, but you have really helped me. All of you.</p><p>Dash</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dashcat, post: 362984, member: 9175"] Star, You will probably never really know what your post has meant to me. I read it last night, cried through the whole thing, and wanted to wait to reply. You see, I've read everything there is to read on the subject of adoption, I've talked to some pretty awesome professionals (who know about the bizarre things my difficult child has been up to), I've talked to adult adoptees, birthmothers who have surrendered, foster families, and NOBODY has ever put into words anything close to the heartwrenching, bare and honest truth you laid down here. What you described pretty much fits difficult child to a T. She does not have a huge tember, but she internalizes (and is quite a bit passive/aggressive) to the point that I don't know how deep it goes or even how very strong it might be. When you pointed out that she doesn't know - and can't explain - the why behind her actions, I felt like a window was opened in my head. She has repeatedly told me that she doesn't know why she lies about so much, why she seeks out 28 year old men with whom to exchange sexual text messages (she was 16) .... and still I kept asking. I kept asking because I thought I could help her face things. I thought I could help her to see that she was raised in truth and with more love that some people could hope for .... and maybe she will, but not through my asking. And probably not for a long time. Your post made me cry, Star, because you have come so far. I can only pray my difficult child is imbued with your kind of wisdom and that, someday, she can begin to understand. I remember once, in the height of all this craziness with her running off to North Carolina with the internet stranger, crying to my DEX on the phone and asking "Will she remember the days I sat in the driveway with the hose and she and a gaggle of six year olds played water jump rope? Will she remember making tin foil boats and floating them in the sink on rainy days? Or will she just remmber that she couldn't wait to get away from me?" Your post gave me hope that she will rembemer these things. If I could hope for only one thing, though, it would be that - like you - she would know she had been loved. When her dad morphed from "great guy" to "idiot, pathetic mid-life crisis guy" and left us, I told her very gently that she was not to play the divorced kid trump card. She was on the cusp of difficult child and I had no idea what was coming, but I could see signs and wanted her to know I wasn't accepting any of the Officer Krupke excuses. I had no intention of playing the displaced housewife trump card, and she wasn't going to get away with it either. And I can't help wondering if I've not silently,unintentionally, sent her that same message about adoption and, thus, increased her struggles. We've been as open as we could be. Like your parents, told her from the very beginnning, kept in touch with the foster family, the caseworker, even the judge who finalized. It's a closed adoption, but we do know a few things and we've answered every question. There are three poloroids of her and her birthmom that we gave her the very first time she asked if there were photos (she was 12). There was a letter we gave her, again, when she asked at 13. We told her she could search, but not until 18. I told her I would help - or not help, whatever she needed, but that I completely respect and support her wanting to know. She always said she'd search and, after hitting 18, seemed not to really want to. We support not searching and we've told her that. I know that nobody can take my place and I understand, completely, the desire to fill in the blanks in your life. So, you see, even having those mementos doesn't quite fill the void. When you talk about been thrown away - she has articulated that somewhat. She wrote something that she'd intended to be private - and then showed it to me . She wrote about a teenage girl holding a baby and knowing she couldn't raise her. In her fantasy, bio dad is there (of course) and she writes, "they were completely overwhelmed looking at this baby - this mistake - and that baby was ME.". Oh, God. Then that stuiid movie JUNO came out. Don't even get me started. Have you seen it? The teen mom refers constantly to the life she is carrying as "it", the adoptive parents are p ortrayed as yuppie monsters, the boy is not made to take any responsiblity,.... horrid. She got it for us to watch together on my birthday (she'd already seen it, so she knew). Thanks. And 3 shadows, I feel for you too. You say love isn't enough and, while I understand where you're coming from, I hope you'll look at it a bit differently. Love might not be enough right now, but it is all that matters. In many ways, it's more than enough. I was talking to difficult child's therapist one day, lamenting the fact that we'd sent her to this awesome private school (which she loved, by the way) and why, oh why, was she choosing to fail. therapist quietly asked "where do you think she'd be without you? where do you think she'd be if you hadn't sent her to this school? if you didn't monitor her, call parents, hold her accountable?" Very good questions. difficult child asked me, right after the North Carolina incident, if I would still have adopted her knowing how difficult she would be at 18. I looked at her as though she'd just sprouted another head and said, without a second hesitation, "Of course I would. We didn't adopt becasue we wanted [I]a baby[/I]. We adopted because we wanted [B]YOU[/B]." Maybe she'll remember that, too. And, yes, I'm still worried about Borderline (BPD) - or something. I'm still struggling with the letting go and the promise that I am her rock. I struggle with not enabling, but you have really helped me. All of you. Dash [/QUOTE]
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