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Family of Origin
When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666764" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Serenity, it is about alliances I think. Like Cedar talks about her sister's rules for her devotion and care for their mother. They have conditions to give us love or what passes for it. Like Cedar's sister demanding her mother only acknowledge as a great grand, the sister's grand child...when there were actually 4, I think it is. That I am the one and only is a condition of their alliance. When they cannot enforce <em>their rules</em>...they leave.</p><p></p><p>There are desired things--things they want, that makes it worth their while to enter an alliance.. In the case of my sister with her 2nd husband, it was the house near the beach in the most elegant of beach towns. If he is the purveyor of what I want, at this moment, he is mine. When he does not or I can make another, better alliance, all bets are off.</p><p></p><p>You broke the rules, Serenity, when you set a limit with your sister. With that one incident, you put yourself outside of her circle. With the way her personality is constructed, she could not tolerate your making even one rule for yourself.. That was how she had defined the alliance with you. My way or the highway. You broke her rule. You left her circle. Me or not me.You are now "not me." But she longs for you still. But needs to bash you. Because she feels you abandoned her.</p><p></p><p>You know the Oceans 11 movies? Are you in or out?</p><p></p><p>You are only "in" if you comply. You play by their rules. You do not get to decide what you give to the relationship. They decide what they want. You say yes or no. If it is no to a rule you are out. The problem is you may not know the rules before you break one.</p><p></p><p>This is very primitive, I think.</p><p></p><p>Like my sister with my mother. My mother broke the rules <em>when she let me have any voice or power at all</em>....And even though she was dying. She was out.</p><p></p><p>And I was even more out than I ever was, by even wanting anything. Even a voice as my mother died.</p><p></p><p>I am very sad right now. I am sad for all of us.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I would do anything in the world right now to believe like you once did "that I could love our way out of this."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666764, member: 18958"] Serenity, it is about alliances I think. Like Cedar talks about her sister's rules for her devotion and care for their mother. They have conditions to give us love or what passes for it. Like Cedar's sister demanding her mother only acknowledge as a great grand, the sister's grand child...when there were actually 4, I think it is. That I am the one and only is a condition of their alliance. When they cannot enforce [I]their rules[/I]...they leave. There are desired things--things they want, that makes it worth their while to enter an alliance.. In the case of my sister with her 2nd husband, it was the house near the beach in the most elegant of beach towns. If he is the purveyor of what I want, at this moment, he is mine. When he does not or I can make another, better alliance, all bets are off. You broke the rules, Serenity, when you set a limit with your sister. With that one incident, you put yourself outside of her circle. With the way her personality is constructed, she could not tolerate your making even one rule for yourself.. That was how she had defined the alliance with you. My way or the highway. You broke her rule. You left her circle. Me or not me.You are now "not me." But she longs for you still. But needs to bash you. Because she feels you abandoned her. You know the Oceans 11 movies? Are you in or out? You are only "in" if you comply. You play by their rules. You do not get to decide what you give to the relationship. They decide what they want. You say yes or no. If it is no to a rule you are out. The problem is you may not know the rules before you break one. This is very primitive, I think. Like my sister with my mother. My mother broke the rules [I]when she let me have any voice or power at all[/I]....And even though she was dying. She was out. And I was even more out than I ever was, by even wanting anything. Even a voice as my mother died. I am very sad right now. I am sad for all of us. Cedar, I would do anything in the world right now to believe like you once did "that I could love our way out of this." [/QUOTE]
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When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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