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Family of Origin
When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666885" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Cedar, I will be responding little by little to your post.</p><p></p><p>I do not know why I am so tired. But I am.</p><p></p><p>Your mother chose to hang up on you. As did my own mother, repeatedly, when I was in Rio. Flying down to Rio must not have been in her game plan <em>for me</em>. <em>That is why I did it</em>, I realize now. She hated that I was no longer a single Mom working like a drone, paying student loans, with nothing and exhausted. How dare I, she told my sister, run away from responsibilities all over Latin America like nothing mattered except my Tango.</p><p></p><p>Your mother hung up on you. She chose it then and every day thereafter she chooses not to call you. Every day she can. She does not.</p><p></p><p>All she has to do is say, "hi." </p><p></p><p>If Cedar does not want this family <u><em>and I</em></u> <em>as we are, as it is</em>...this family does not want Cedar.</p><p></p><p>You are refusing her rules, <em>and her rule</em>, Cedar. After a lifetime of willfully not seeing the rules of your family, you have acknowledged the rules...and <em>you have refused them</em>. </p><p></p><p>You know, now, that there are no other rules possible as long as your mother lives. If she was open to changing them even a little bit she would call. She does not want to. </p><p></p><p>She can keep her power, and sustain her terms. She knows your sister will accept them.</p><p></p><p>I think this is why you are so insistent with D H that it was you who chose. </p><p></p><p>D H does not want you to feel the responsibility of separation. He sees it, I think, that by her actions your mother is responsible. Not you. He is right.</p><p></p><p>It is a completely different thing you are doing now. You see you are not responsible. You know it is not your fault.</p><p></p><p>You are going further. You are saying, not only is it not my fault, it is not my responsibility to fix it <em>or to endure it broken</em>. </p><p></p><p>You are whole and complete without her. Just as she is, without you. It is just that your visions of <em>complete</em> are different.</p><p></p><p>You see that the deal your mother offers you is no self. And those will always be her terms.</p><p></p><p>Bow down to me, to my rules.</p><p></p><p>My rules are exclusion, gossip, power over, ridicule, and threat. To start. </p><p></p><p>You say: No. I will not see her. "<em>it is my choice." </em>By that you say: </p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I have rules, too. I choose my own rules. Cedar rules.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666885, member: 18958"] Cedar, I will be responding little by little to your post. I do not know why I am so tired. But I am. Your mother chose to hang up on you. As did my own mother, repeatedly, when I was in Rio. Flying down to Rio must not have been in her game plan [I]for me[/I]. [I]That is why I did it[/I], I realize now. She hated that I was no longer a single Mom working like a drone, paying student loans, with nothing and exhausted. How dare I, she told my sister, run away from responsibilities all over Latin America like nothing mattered except my Tango. Your mother hung up on you. She chose it then and every day thereafter she chooses not to call you. Every day she can. She does not. All she has to do is say, "hi." If Cedar does not want this family [U][I]and I[/I][/U] [I]as we are, as it is[/I]...this family does not want Cedar. You are refusing her rules, [I]and her rule[/I], Cedar. After a lifetime of willfully not seeing the rules of your family, you have acknowledged the rules...and [I]you have refused them[/I]. You know, now, that there are no other rules possible as long as your mother lives. If she was open to changing them even a little bit she would call. She does not want to. She can keep her power, and sustain her terms. She knows your sister will accept them. I think this is why you are so insistent with D H that it was you who chose. D H does not want you to feel the responsibility of separation. He sees it, I think, that by her actions your mother is responsible. Not you. He is right. It is a completely different thing you are doing now. You see you are not responsible. You know it is not your fault. You are going further. You are saying, not only is it not my fault, it is not my responsibility to fix it [I]or to endure it broken[/I]. You are whole and complete without her. Just as she is, without you. It is just that your visions of [I]complete[/I] are different. You see that the deal your mother offers you is no self. And those will always be her terms. Bow down to me, to my rules. My rules are exclusion, gossip, power over, ridicule, and threat. To start. You say: No. I will not see her. "[I]it is my choice." [/I]By that you say: [I] I have rules, too. I choose my own rules. Cedar rules.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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