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Family of Origin
When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666917" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Hello, Daphne.</p><p></p><p>How extraordinary that you would post as you have. </p><p></p><p>We cannot help you Daphne, unless you bring to your posts the courage, sincerity, and commitment required to heal. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Then you will know we do not disparage, accuse, or belittle one another, here. </p><p></p><p>You will have learned too that in dysfunctional family systems, each of the siblings carries some version of the primary abuser's dysfunction. </p><p></p><p>I will repeat: Unless you bring to your posts the courage, sincerity, and commitment required to heal, we cannot help you. For your own sake, I will add that until you require of yourself the courage Serenity has shown in her healing, your own healing will be difficult, if not impossible.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>How Serenity's sister might interpret the issues discussed here, among them the pain and confusion of sibling betrayal, is not our concern, and neither should it be yours, Daphne. I will say it again: Until you require of yourself the courage Serenity has shown in her own healing, it is unlikely your recovery will be successful.</p><p></p><p>Sibling betrayal is a painful, but extremely common, artifact of the dysfunctional family.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Duh.</p><p></p><p>Sibling betrayal is a painful, but extremely common, artifact of the dysfunctional family. </p><p></p><p>The deeper the level of dysfunction, the more hateful and less rational the actions of dysfunctional siblings will be. The more dysfunctional the sibling, the more heavily invested he or she is in maintaining the structure of the dysfunctional family's belief system unchanged. The more dysfunctional sib will fight with everything at his or her disposal to see the healthier sibling's reputation, sense of honor, and recovery destroyed.</p><p></p><p>They do it, every time.</p><p></p><p>That is how you know the sib carries the dysfunction.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Duh.</p><p></p><p>We each <em>are</em> focusing on ourselves, Daphne. I repeat: We cannot help you until you display the same courage, honesty, and commitment Serenity displays in her own healing.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Seriously?</p><p></p><p>Did you actually post those words on this site?!?</p><p></p><p>For heaven's sake.</p><p></p><p>Not to belabor a point?</p><p></p><p>But...</p><p></p><p>Duh.</p><p></p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In whose defense? We don't care about the sister. What we do here has nothing to do with any of the sisters. If, on the other hand, the sister were to require of herself the courage, honesty, and commitment Serenity has devoted to her healing, then we would, of course, be most willing to help the sister. Since she cannot commit to her own healing with honor and honesty and integrity and courage?</p><p></p><p>Who cares about the sister.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of the sister? In the dysfunctional family, it is actually the sibling unable to mount the courage, honesty, or commitment necessary to commence her own healing who will experiences an envy so intense it burgeons into blinding jealousy. In extreme cases? The more dysfunctional sibling, fearing the healthier sib will escape the suctioning whirlpool of the dysfunctional family's toxicity, may actually resort to stalking the healthier sib.</p><p></p><p>These actions, so I have read, are the last, desperate measures of the more dysfunctional sib to pull the healthier sib back again into those old, familiar, terribly dysfunctional, family of origin patterns. </p><p></p><p>That is how one knows who is who.</p><p></p><p>Because the more dysfunctional sibs all seem committed to acting out their dysfunctions in similar ways. Without exception, they seem to commit the same kinds of senselessly hurtful betrayals in their desperate attempts to re-hook the healthier sibs into the whirl of the family of origin's dysfunction. There is hope for these more dysfunctional sibs? But until they require of themselves the courage, honesty, and commitment required to heal, their own recoveries are in jeopardy.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, posting as you have here being a sterling example of finger pointing. At someone else, I mean. </p><p></p><p>We don't care about the sister here, Daphne. In her determination to fire up and re-enact the same old, dysfunctional patterns, the sisters are part of the problem we are addressing here. If any of the sisters were to require of herself the same courage, honesty, and commitment to her healing that Serenity has so amply demonstrated, then of course, we would be more than willing to help her.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There must be an echo in here. Unless I am very much mistaken, Serenity has been posting to both Copa and myself that until our sisters commit to their own healing instead of to envy and jealousy and stalking us, any interaction with our dysfunctional family members, siblings included, will be detrimental to our own healing.</p><p></p><p>Serenity has been very clear with both of us that we cannot heal until, wishing them well, we leave our dysfunctional siblings behind.</p><p></p><p>If you are experiencing jealousy or rage Daphne, this may help you. It has helped us immeasurably in healing the wounds each of us carries through trying too many times to forgive.</p><p></p><p><em>Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.</em></p><p></p><p>Please do feel free as a bird to post whenever you like, Daphne. I will remind you again though, that until you display the same honesty, courage, and commitment to your healing that Serenity has devoted to hers, your recovery will be a difficult one.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666917, member: 17461"] Hello, Daphne. How extraordinary that you would post as you have. We cannot help you Daphne, unless you bring to your posts the courage, sincerity, and commitment required to heal. Then you will know we do not disparage, accuse, or belittle one another, here. You will have learned too that in dysfunctional family systems, each of the siblings carries some version of the primary abuser's dysfunction. I will repeat: Unless you bring to your posts the courage, sincerity, and commitment required to heal, we cannot help you. For your own sake, I will add that until you require of yourself the courage Serenity has shown in her healing, your own healing will be difficult, if not impossible. How Serenity's sister might interpret the issues discussed here, among them the pain and confusion of sibling betrayal, is not our concern, and neither should it be yours, Daphne. I will say it again: Until you require of yourself the courage Serenity has shown in her own healing, it is unlikely your recovery will be successful. Sibling betrayal is a painful, but extremely common, artifact of the dysfunctional family. Duh. Sibling betrayal is a painful, but extremely common, artifact of the dysfunctional family. The deeper the level of dysfunction, the more hateful and less rational the actions of dysfunctional siblings will be. The more dysfunctional the sibling, the more heavily invested he or she is in maintaining the structure of the dysfunctional family's belief system unchanged. The more dysfunctional sib will fight with everything at his or her disposal to see the healthier sibling's reputation, sense of honor, and recovery destroyed. They do it, every time. That is how you know the sib carries the dysfunction. Duh. We each [I]are[/I] focusing on ourselves, Daphne. I repeat: We cannot help you until you display the same courage, honesty, and commitment Serenity displays in her own healing. Seriously? Did you actually post those words on this site?!? For heaven's sake. Not to belabor a point? But... Duh. :) In whose defense? We don't care about the sister. What we do here has nothing to do with any of the sisters. If, on the other hand, the sister were to require of herself the courage, honesty, and commitment Serenity has devoted to her healing, then we would, of course, be most willing to help the sister. Since she cannot commit to her own healing with honor and honesty and integrity and courage? Who cares about the sister. Of the sister? In the dysfunctional family, it is actually the sibling unable to mount the courage, honesty, or commitment necessary to commence her own healing who will experiences an envy so intense it burgeons into blinding jealousy. In extreme cases? The more dysfunctional sibling, fearing the healthier sib will escape the suctioning whirlpool of the dysfunctional family's toxicity, may actually resort to stalking the healthier sib. These actions, so I have read, are the last, desperate measures of the more dysfunctional sib to pull the healthier sib back again into those old, familiar, terribly dysfunctional, family of origin patterns. That is how one knows who is who. Because the more dysfunctional sibs all seem committed to acting out their dysfunctions in similar ways. Without exception, they seem to commit the same kinds of senselessly hurtful betrayals in their desperate attempts to re-hook the healthier sibs into the whirl of the family of origin's dysfunction. There is hope for these more dysfunctional sibs? But until they require of themselves the courage, honesty, and commitment required to heal, their own recoveries are in jeopardy. Well, posting as you have here being a sterling example of finger pointing. At someone else, I mean. We don't care about the sister here, Daphne. In her determination to fire up and re-enact the same old, dysfunctional patterns, the sisters are part of the problem we are addressing here. If any of the sisters were to require of herself the same courage, honesty, and commitment to her healing that Serenity has so amply demonstrated, then of course, we would be more than willing to help her. There must be an echo in here. Unless I am very much mistaken, Serenity has been posting to both Copa and myself that until our sisters commit to their own healing instead of to envy and jealousy and stalking us, any interaction with our dysfunctional family members, siblings included, will be detrimental to our own healing. Serenity has been very clear with both of us that we cannot heal until, wishing them well, we leave our dysfunctional siblings behind. If you are experiencing jealousy or rage Daphne, this may help you. It has helped us immeasurably in healing the wounds each of us carries through trying too many times to forgive. [I]Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.[/I] Please do feel free as a bird to post whenever you like, Daphne. I will remind you again though, that until you display the same honesty, courage, and commitment to your healing that Serenity has devoted to hers, your recovery will be a difficult one. Cedar :hugs: [/QUOTE]
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