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When You & You S/O Aren't On The Same Page
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 751102" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am a single parent who for 10 years has been in a relationship with a man who has taken on the role of a step-father. I have deferred to his judgement many times. Not necessarily because he is right, but because I became so tired and overwhelmed. By the time he came around I just didn't know what to do. </p><p> Right off the bat I will tell you this: This scares me. </p><p></p><p>I think the decisions you make that involve your daughter and the baby need to be made from the point of view of the safety of the baby, especially protecting you and the baby legally. To decide to involve your daughter in the baby's care just so that you can go out more, to me, presents a hornet's nest of risks.</p><p>One thing that has been proposed to you here on this forum is the idea of a mediator, I remember. If you were to decide to be open to more involvement by your daughter with the baby I would only do so within the context of a strict and detailed legal agreement and with oversight by a professional third party. </p><p></p><p></p><p>The contrasting viewpoints of you and your husband remind me of the contrasting views about addiction. There is the 12 step model. And there is Harm Reduction. </p><p></p><p>Your husband's view sounds like Harm Reduction. Where the addict is supported while he drinks or uses. Your view sounds like the 12 step model. That complete abstention and active recovery is the essential start and bottom line.</p><p></p><p>You haven't asked me, but I can really see your husband's point of view. I just disagree with it. Why? I think your daughter seems as if she is unsafe, acts unstably and puts her own needs in front of the baby. As I recall she is dramatic and self-centered when she visits. She comes up with really, really scary plans. And she herself does not seem to think that she rises to the occasion of being an adequate parent. It sounds like she is choosing her present, dangerous and self-destructive lifestyle. And she is choosing that instead of her child. That's how I see it. </p><p></p><p>What should you do? The options I can see are, one a mediation plan, supervised by attorneys and a trained mediator in child custody, with spelled out provisions about custody. Your husband would participate too and he could as part of this process put forth his ideas. </p><p></p><p>Or you could go to counseling and work it out there with a professional. </p><p></p><p>I would hate to see you in a position where you are more vulnerable to your daughter, and the baby is more vulnerable. I would hate that for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 751102, member: 18958"] I am a single parent who for 10 years has been in a relationship with a man who has taken on the role of a step-father. I have deferred to his judgement many times. Not necessarily because he is right, but because I became so tired and overwhelmed. By the time he came around I just didn't know what to do. Right off the bat I will tell you this: This scares me. I think the decisions you make that involve your daughter and the baby need to be made from the point of view of the safety of the baby, especially protecting you and the baby legally. To decide to involve your daughter in the baby's care just so that you can go out more, to me, presents a hornet's nest of risks. One thing that has been proposed to you here on this forum is the idea of a mediator, I remember. If you were to decide to be open to more involvement by your daughter with the baby I would only do so within the context of a strict and detailed legal agreement and with oversight by a professional third party. The contrasting viewpoints of you and your husband remind me of the contrasting views about addiction. There is the 12 step model. And there is Harm Reduction. Your husband's view sounds like Harm Reduction. Where the addict is supported while he drinks or uses. Your view sounds like the 12 step model. That complete abstention and active recovery is the essential start and bottom line. You haven't asked me, but I can really see your husband's point of view. I just disagree with it. Why? I think your daughter seems as if she is unsafe, acts unstably and puts her own needs in front of the baby. As I recall she is dramatic and self-centered when she visits. She comes up with really, really scary plans. And she herself does not seem to think that she rises to the occasion of being an adequate parent. It sounds like she is choosing her present, dangerous and self-destructive lifestyle. And she is choosing that instead of her child. That's how I see it. What should you do? The options I can see are, one a mediation plan, supervised by attorneys and a trained mediator in child custody, with spelled out provisions about custody. Your husband would participate too and he could as part of this process put forth his ideas. Or you could go to counseling and work it out there with a professional. I would hate to see you in a position where you are more vulnerable to your daughter, and the baby is more vulnerable. I would hate that for you. [/QUOTE]
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