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Parent Emeritus
When your adult child steals from you.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 520163" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hello Jam, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter. The first thought I had was that in my experience, when someone is defensive and feels the need to justify their bad behavior, it usually means they know they did something wrong. No matter how you look at this, what your daughter did was inappropriate. Your feelings are completely justified, I would feel violated too. To top it off by her berating you is not acceptable behavior either. </p><p></p><p>My advice would be to wait until the anger subsides and then explain your position and how this makes you feel <em>without any blame,</em> simply stating your feelings. If she cannot hear you, then there may be a deeper issue which this incident is uncovering. If you continue to allow her to be at your home, then boundaries need to be in place, whereby any violation of those boundaries will be met with action which would likely be that she is not welcome in your home when you are not present, until she can respect your boundaries. This sounds like a trust issue. You cannot trust someone who blatantly steals from you without permission. </p><p></p><p>The good news is, that if you both are willing to address the issue head on, you may be able to find a new ability to communicate which doesn't leave you fearful that an issue with your daughter will impact your relationship with your grandchildren. Sometimes a third party is appropriate, a therapist, a mediator, someone not invested in the situation who can help both parties be able to listen to each other and speak their truth. I tend to look at these kinds of issues as an opportunity for growth, which if you are both willing to be honest with each other and really hear the other person, they are. The relationship between mother and daughter is fraught with deep issues which sometimes surface in odd ways offering an opening to address something which has lain dormant until now. I wish you a quick, compassionate and peaceful resolution.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 520163, member: 13542"] Hello Jam, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter. The first thought I had was that in my experience, when someone is defensive and feels the need to justify their bad behavior, it usually means they know they did something wrong. No matter how you look at this, what your daughter did was inappropriate. Your feelings are completely justified, I would feel violated too. To top it off by her berating you is not acceptable behavior either. My advice would be to wait until the anger subsides and then explain your position and how this makes you feel [I]without any blame,[/I] simply stating your feelings. If she cannot hear you, then there may be a deeper issue which this incident is uncovering. If you continue to allow her to be at your home, then boundaries need to be in place, whereby any violation of those boundaries will be met with action which would likely be that she is not welcome in your home when you are not present, until she can respect your boundaries. This sounds like a trust issue. You cannot trust someone who blatantly steals from you without permission. The good news is, that if you both are willing to address the issue head on, you may be able to find a new ability to communicate which doesn't leave you fearful that an issue with your daughter will impact your relationship with your grandchildren. Sometimes a third party is appropriate, a therapist, a mediator, someone not invested in the situation who can help both parties be able to listen to each other and speak their truth. I tend to look at these kinds of issues as an opportunity for growth, which if you are both willing to be honest with each other and really hear the other person, they are. The relationship between mother and daughter is fraught with deep issues which sometimes surface in odd ways offering an opening to address something which has lain dormant until now. I wish you a quick, compassionate and peaceful resolution. [/QUOTE]
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When your adult child steals from you.
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