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When your adult child steals from you...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 619405" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>DadinMinn, welcome. Your tale is very, very similar to many of ours and I'm sorry you find yourself here, but landing here is a good thing to do..........</p><p></p><p>My daughter is 41..........similar traits to your boys, but no drugs, some kind of mental illness or personality disorder...........doesn't really matter what the reason is, the result is the same........lives in another reality and I had to detach from that reality. </p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it's helpful.</p><p></p><p>As others have mentioned, you are not the cause of this and as you know, you can't control your sons actions. Only they can change, if they want to and at our kids ages, it is very likely they won't change.</p><p></p><p>Entitlement, manipulation, no responsibility for their actions, secrets, often substance abuse, lying, disrespectful, arrogant, bright...........all categorize our adult kids. </p><p></p><p>Throwing them out and stating this is it, in my opinion is certainly a step in the absolute right direction, but the real work for you and your wife will likely begin now. It's the guilt, self blame, ruminations, fear, resentment, anger, loss of your dreams for them, loss of hope, grief, the breaking up of denial..............the loss of your bright and talented little boys................all of it.............we go through all of it..........it's part of the letting go of them process of detaching..........the final result being acceptance of what is. Not acceptance of their lifestyle choice, or what they have or haven't done with their lives, or how they treat you, not condoning any of that..........but accepting the reality that we as parents are powerless to enact change in our grown offspring who do not want change.......only they can do that.............and when we can accept it, really accept it, we can find peace of mind and stop being angry and having regrets or any kind of guilt.</p><p></p><p>The simplest and yet most profound statement to be made about all of it is the serenity prayer........</p><p></p><p><em>"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. </em>"</p><p></p><p>If you ponder those words, you can use them as your guiding light out of the remorse you feel today..............</p><p></p><p>I wish you peace, keep posting it helps. Many of us find counseling of some kind to be very helpful since detaching from our kids is monstrously difficult.............we need tools and support on a journey not one of us would choose to be on...........hang in there, we're here if you want an ear or a shoulder.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 619405, member: 13542"] DadinMinn, welcome. Your tale is very, very similar to many of ours and I'm sorry you find yourself here, but landing here is a good thing to do.......... My daughter is 41..........similar traits to your boys, but no drugs, some kind of mental illness or personality disorder...........doesn't really matter what the reason is, the result is the same........lives in another reality and I had to detach from that reality. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it's helpful. As others have mentioned, you are not the cause of this and as you know, you can't control your sons actions. Only they can change, if they want to and at our kids ages, it is very likely they won't change. Entitlement, manipulation, no responsibility for their actions, secrets, often substance abuse, lying, disrespectful, arrogant, bright...........all categorize our adult kids. Throwing them out and stating this is it, in my opinion is certainly a step in the absolute right direction, but the real work for you and your wife will likely begin now. It's the guilt, self blame, ruminations, fear, resentment, anger, loss of your dreams for them, loss of hope, grief, the breaking up of denial..............the loss of your bright and talented little boys................all of it.............we go through all of it..........it's part of the letting go of them process of detaching..........the final result being acceptance of what is. Not acceptance of their lifestyle choice, or what they have or haven't done with their lives, or how they treat you, not condoning any of that..........but accepting the reality that we as parents are powerless to enact change in our grown offspring who do not want change.......only they can do that.............and when we can accept it, really accept it, we can find peace of mind and stop being angry and having regrets or any kind of guilt. The simplest and yet most profound statement to be made about all of it is the serenity prayer........ [I]"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. [/I]" If you ponder those words, you can use them as your guiding light out of the remorse you feel today.............. I wish you peace, keep posting it helps. Many of us find counseling of some kind to be very helpful since detaching from our kids is monstrously difficult.............we need tools and support on a journey not one of us would choose to be on...........hang in there, we're here if you want an ear or a shoulder....... [/QUOTE]
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