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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 669826" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Roar.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for this very kind post, Feeling. I just posted on your thread. We must have been writing at the same time.</p><p>There was another movie, Flying Down to Rio. I lived it.</p><p></p><p>You are right, Feeling. While I have thought this too, to read it has special impact. Thank you.</p><p></p><p>I think that the punishment is both for my son and my mother.</p><p></p><p>My Mother was very mad that I went to live in Rio. I did it anyway.</p><p></p><p>She felt that I was abandoning her and being very irresponsible. That was years before she became ill. My mother was very capable. Throughout my adult life I felt the need to be far from her because I felt consumed by her and overshadowed by her. She always needed to have the light on her and to be served and taken care of emotionally. I was very compliant. I could not develop as a person living near her. For many years I would not speak to her or see her at all.</p><p></p><p>When she was at the point of dying and after she died I was heartbroken because I realized how deeply I had loved her. When it was too late.</p><p></p><p>I think I put myself to bed, first, for her. I as if cut off my legs, so I could never leave her again. The love of mobility and my ambition and my love of freedom, I cut off at the knees.</p><p></p><p>And then the situation of my son worsened. I would try to get better. And he would worsen. Over and over again. Until I think I got the idea that I was not meant to get up. Ever. That each time I did, I got a message that I could not.</p><p></p><p>Until it became a terrible habit. Like what Cedar describes. The only place in life where I felt safe was my bed. That became the only thing I allowed myself both to long for and to have. </p><p></p><p>As I have aged I have become decrepit: My eyes are bad. My hearing is bad. I have arthritis. You already know my other ailments.</p><p></p><p>I have phobias. I am afraid of freeways. Of big rig trucks. I am afraid of heights.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I cannot make it to the toilet in time.</p><p></p><p>I have to look for the elevator if I am in a subway or airport. This will really affect me in NY.</p><p></p><p>All of these things eat at my confidence. They reinforce my fear. I am not saying I cannot do it or I will not. But it all gets rolled up together. No wonder it has been hard to get going.</p><p></p><p>I was going to say that there have been other losses, too. I was going to mention my sister who has rejected me and who rejected my mother as she was dying. But then I had to correct myself.</p><p></p><p>I do not miss my sister. Really, if I tell the truth. But my sister is very competent. Still. She is a law professor at a minor University. Actually, I have been more successful than she. I think. But she drives freeways. And she acts like a big cheese. Very important big cheese.</p><p></p><p>So I think there is an element of putting myself to bed for her. To let her thrive and to be the big cheese.</p><p></p><p>Because she was very, very mad at me that I acted to protect my mother and to protect our inheritance. I saw that she could not abuse my mother for money. And I acted to protect the estate. And there was not one thing that her attorney-self could do. Because I took not one penny of gain.</p><p></p><p>So, I think there is an element of self-punishment for her too. I was just too strong. So, I must pay.</p><p></p><p>Flying Down to Rio and Dancing in the Streets of NY and a career and M is just too much for this little girl to have.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for your very kind reply.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 669826, member: 18958"] Roar. Thank you for this very kind post, Feeling. I just posted on your thread. We must have been writing at the same time. There was another movie, Flying Down to Rio. I lived it. You are right, Feeling. While I have thought this too, to read it has special impact. Thank you. I think that the punishment is both for my son and my mother. My Mother was very mad that I went to live in Rio. I did it anyway. She felt that I was abandoning her and being very irresponsible. That was years before she became ill. My mother was very capable. Throughout my adult life I felt the need to be far from her because I felt consumed by her and overshadowed by her. She always needed to have the light on her and to be served and taken care of emotionally. I was very compliant. I could not develop as a person living near her. For many years I would not speak to her or see her at all. When she was at the point of dying and after she died I was heartbroken because I realized how deeply I had loved her. When it was too late. I think I put myself to bed, first, for her. I as if cut off my legs, so I could never leave her again. The love of mobility and my ambition and my love of freedom, I cut off at the knees. And then the situation of my son worsened. I would try to get better. And he would worsen. Over and over again. Until I think I got the idea that I was not meant to get up. Ever. That each time I did, I got a message that I could not. Until it became a terrible habit. Like what Cedar describes. The only place in life where I felt safe was my bed. That became the only thing I allowed myself both to long for and to have. As I have aged I have become decrepit: My eyes are bad. My hearing is bad. I have arthritis. You already know my other ailments. I have phobias. I am afraid of freeways. Of big rig trucks. I am afraid of heights. Sometimes I cannot make it to the toilet in time. I have to look for the elevator if I am in a subway or airport. This will really affect me in NY. All of these things eat at my confidence. They reinforce my fear. I am not saying I cannot do it or I will not. But it all gets rolled up together. No wonder it has been hard to get going. I was going to say that there have been other losses, too. I was going to mention my sister who has rejected me and who rejected my mother as she was dying. But then I had to correct myself. I do not miss my sister. Really, if I tell the truth. But my sister is very competent. Still. She is a law professor at a minor University. Actually, I have been more successful than she. I think. But she drives freeways. And she acts like a big cheese. Very important big cheese. So I think there is an element of putting myself to bed for her. To let her thrive and to be the big cheese. Because she was very, very mad at me that I acted to protect my mother and to protect our inheritance. I saw that she could not abuse my mother for money. And I acted to protect the estate. And there was not one thing that her attorney-self could do. Because I took not one penny of gain. So, I think there is an element of self-punishment for her too. I was just too strong. So, I must pay. Flying Down to Rio and Dancing in the Streets of NY and a career and M is just too much for this little girl to have. Thank you for your very kind reply. COPA [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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