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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 669840" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I have always been struck dizzy in high places. Any high place, even a stairway. I was certain it was something anxiety related. I beat myself up mercilessly. Then? <em>I realized the dizziness is a result of sinus and inner ear problems.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>A physical cause for an emotional reaction. When we have an inner ear problem and we are on solid level ground, we are fine. When we are suddenly in the air, when we are driving (or a passenger) in a vehicle on a bridge, when we rise on an escalator, our inner ear balance mechanisms scream for us to slow down. We are working harder than the average person to maintain balance on level ground in the first place. We don't know it, because we adjust automatically. Until suddenly, the ground falls away, as it does on an escalator or a bridge, or any high place. Our inner ear balance mechanisms cannot adjust quickly, the way the inner ear balance systems of those without sinus problems do. Out brains scream that we are in danger. The other side of our brains roar on that we are making fools of ourselves. Pointing out that we are the only ones clinging to the escalator railing while everyone else is not only erect but <em>carrying packages, </em>our brains access childhood belief systems and beat us up for not being perfect and the whole thing escalates into a bona fide anxiety attack and we feel so stupidly inept.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>No shame for us, Copa.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>The next time you are in a high place, note the time the panic hits. Invariably, it will be at the point the ground around you falls away. If we could stay right there, our inner ear balance mechanisms would adjust and tell our brains we are not falling, after all. Then, we could go a little further. Eventually, if we rode the escalator or drove the bridge or whatever it is every day, we would be able to do it easily, too.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>A physical issue, Copa.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Just as it was believed asthma was the illness of a "nervous" person. Now, we know it is exactly the other way around. Now, we know the nervousness is a result of feeling suffocated, due to the way the lungs are affected through allergic response<em>. Trauma builds on trauma: an anxiety response occurs. </em>Now that we know what is happening, now that we have inhalers and understand the allergic response,<em> there is less sense of loss control, or of unpredictability, in the face of an allergic reaction.</em></p><p></p><p>Turns out we were fine, all along.</p><p></p><p>Even people without chronic sinus problems develop balance issues when they have colds.</p><p></p><p>A problem with the inner ear as a result of repeated sinus infections; a problem with allergies.</p><p></p><p>We are fine.</p><p></p><p>Logical people with inner ear balance issues related to chronic sinus problems having to do with allergic response.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>Wish I'd known that, last time I rode an escalator.</p><p></p><p>I would have clung to the rail with impunity.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Could it be that the punishment you are meting out has to do with having challenged the little sister you still, somewhere in your psyche, believe it is your sworn duty to protect? And when the sister then stormed off in a contemptuous rage, you believed she had a right to do so? That she has a right to judge you in any way, and that you must submit to keep the family intact, just as you had to do so many times when you were both little girls?</p><p></p><p>The key here being the sister's belief that she is entitled to hold her own sister in contempt.</p><p></p><p>Where did that belief come from for your sister, Copa. How did that evolve?</p><p></p><p>And how is it that on some level, you feel her assessments have validity?</p><p></p><p>Where did that certainty that your sister's interpretations of you, of your actions and choices, of your mate, matter more than your own...how did that evolve, Copa?</p><p></p><p>If you are able to understand the evolution of those belief systems, you will be free.</p><p></p><p>Your sister is not a little girl you must protect from yourself any longer, Copa. She is no longer the three or four year old who is accepted, while the eight or nine year old must struggle, alone, to be perfect, and to feel responsible for all the things that were not perfect.</p><p></p><p>You were eight or seven or nine, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Just a beautiful little girl in a very lonely world. Witness for her now, Copa. She was never really alone, because you are there with her, now. She lived; she made hard choices.</p><p></p><p>She had great courage then, and displayed that same courage, that same choice to protect, in all of her life.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So, the sister.</p><p></p><p>She is an adult now, Copa. She no longer receives an automatic pass to justify her behaviors. As I see it, the sister is using the protectiveness you felt for your smaller, younger, sister then to justify holding you in contempt, now.</p><p></p><p>The payoff is that, just as it was when you both were little girls...if you are the fall guy, then she isn't. She can be innocent. The family tensions are funneled toward you, toward that lonely and innocent and beautiful little girl you were.</p><p></p><p>Sister is very wrong, to be making those choices today, as an adult. These may not be conscious choices for her, now? But on some level, she knows what she is doing, and why.</p><p></p><p>And she is doing it, anyway.</p><p></p><p>With a vengeance.</p><p></p><p>An eye rolling vengeance.</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am sorry Copa, and I don't want to keep harping on this...but where did the sister acquire these belief systems she holds? Where did you acquire the incredibly harmful belief system that what she thinks matters more than the ethics of the situation?</p><p></p><p>This is not splitting hairs.</p><p></p><p>This is crucial information for you, Copa.</p><p></p><p>"I was just too strong...."</p><p></p><p>Copa. There is no such thing as being too strong when a mother requires your protection; when another daughter is betraying <em>your mother.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Where did those words, "I was just too strong...." </em>Whose voice is speaking those words, Copa? Where did that belief system come from <em>and why does it feel valid for you today where your sister, now an adult in her sixties, is concerned?</em></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Good, good work, Copa.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry your sister is as she is. I know how much you hoped it could be different. I hoped that too, Copa. It wasn't our choice, for things to have evolved as they have.</p><p></p><p><em>Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.</em></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 669840, member: 17461"] I have always been struck dizzy in high places. Any high place, even a stairway. I was certain it was something anxiety related. I beat myself up mercilessly. Then? [I]I realized the dizziness is a result of sinus and inner ear problems. [/I] A physical cause for an emotional reaction. When we have an inner ear problem and we are on solid level ground, we are fine. When we are suddenly in the air, when we are driving (or a passenger) in a vehicle on a bridge, when we rise on an escalator, our inner ear balance mechanisms scream for us to slow down. We are working harder than the average person to maintain balance on level ground in the first place. We don't know it, because we adjust automatically. Until suddenly, the ground falls away, as it does on an escalator or a bridge, or any high place. Our inner ear balance mechanisms cannot adjust quickly, the way the inner ear balance systems of those without sinus problems do. Out brains scream that we are in danger. The other side of our brains roar on that we are making fools of ourselves. Pointing out that we are the only ones clinging to the escalator railing while everyone else is not only erect but [I]carrying packages, [/I]our brains access childhood belief systems and beat us up for not being perfect and the whole thing escalates into a bona fide anxiety attack and we feel so stupidly inept. [I] No shame for us, Copa. [/I] The next time you are in a high place, note the time the panic hits. Invariably, it will be at the point the ground around you falls away. If we could stay right there, our inner ear balance mechanisms would adjust and tell our brains we are not falling, after all. Then, we could go a little further. Eventually, if we rode the escalator or drove the bridge or whatever it is every day, we would be able to do it easily, too. [I] A physical issue, Copa. [/I] Just as it was believed asthma was the illness of a "nervous" person. Now, we know it is exactly the other way around. Now, we know the nervousness is a result of feeling suffocated, due to the way the lungs are affected through allergic response[I]. Trauma builds on trauma: an anxiety response occurs. [/I]Now that we know what is happening, now that we have inhalers and understand the allergic response,[I] there is less sense of loss control, or of unpredictability, in the face of an allergic reaction.[/I] Turns out we were fine, all along. Even people without chronic sinus problems develop balance issues when they have colds. A problem with the inner ear as a result of repeated sinus infections; a problem with allergies. We are fine. Logical people with inner ear balance issues related to chronic sinus problems having to do with allergic response. Huh. Wish I'd known that, last time I rode an escalator. I would have clung to the rail with impunity. :O) Could it be that the punishment you are meting out has to do with having challenged the little sister you still, somewhere in your psyche, believe it is your sworn duty to protect? And when the sister then stormed off in a contemptuous rage, you believed she had a right to do so? That she has a right to judge you in any way, and that you must submit to keep the family intact, just as you had to do so many times when you were both little girls? The key here being the sister's belief that she is entitled to hold her own sister in contempt. Where did that belief come from for your sister, Copa. How did that evolve? And how is it that on some level, you feel her assessments have validity? Where did that certainty that your sister's interpretations of you, of your actions and choices, of your mate, matter more than your own...how did that evolve, Copa? If you are able to understand the evolution of those belief systems, you will be free. Your sister is not a little girl you must protect from yourself any longer, Copa. She is no longer the three or four year old who is accepted, while the eight or nine year old must struggle, alone, to be perfect, and to feel responsible for all the things that were not perfect. You were eight or seven or nine, Copa. Just a beautiful little girl in a very lonely world. Witness for her now, Copa. She was never really alone, because you are there with her, now. She lived; she made hard choices. She had great courage then, and displayed that same courage, that same choice to protect, in all of her life. *** So, the sister. She is an adult now, Copa. She no longer receives an automatic pass to justify her behaviors. As I see it, the sister is using the protectiveness you felt for your smaller, younger, sister then to justify holding you in contempt, now. The payoff is that, just as it was when you both were little girls...if you are the fall guy, then she isn't. She can be innocent. The family tensions are funneled toward you, toward that lonely and innocent and beautiful little girl you were. Sister is very wrong, to be making those choices today, as an adult. These may not be conscious choices for her, now? But on some level, she knows what she is doing, and why. And she is doing it, anyway. With a vengeance. An eye rolling vengeance. roar I am sorry Copa, and I don't want to keep harping on this...but where did the sister acquire these belief systems she holds? Where did you acquire the incredibly harmful belief system that what she thinks matters more than the ethics of the situation? This is not splitting hairs. This is crucial information for you, Copa. "I was just too strong...." Copa. There is no such thing as being too strong when a mother requires your protection; when another daughter is betraying [I]your mother.[/I] [I]Where did those words, "I was just too strong...." [/I]Whose voice is speaking those words, Copa? Where did that belief system come from [I]and why does it feel valid for you today where your sister, now an adult in her sixties, is concerned?[/I] Good, good work, Copa. I am sorry your sister is as she is. I know how much you hoped it could be different. I hoped that too, Copa. It wasn't our choice, for things to have evolved as they have. [I]Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.[/I] Cedar [/QUOTE]
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