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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 669882" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/yesssmileyf.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":yess:" title="yes :yess:" data-shortname=":yess:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Do you feel the co-worker made an accurate assessment, Copa?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. And those characteristics that enabled you to triumph in spite of the way you had been taught to see and interpret and value yourself are the characteristics that will see you through this time of healing and enable you to reclaim yourself, now.</p><p></p><p>I see you beginning to see the bravery in that little girl you were, Copa. I am happy and proud for you that this is so.</p><p></p><p>Can you feel the shift in perception from seeing her through your mother's or your stepfather's eyes (or your sister's) to seeing her through your own?</p><p></p><p>That is internal locus of control.</p><p></p><p>Do you know the concept "negative grandiosity", Copa? That comes into play, here. It has to do with the way the mother has been taught to see herself, and with what she was herself given, or not given. She has only what she was given to give her child <em>because</em> the child is hers.</p><p></p><p>Reflections in a darkened mirror.</p><p></p><p>Remember the story?</p><p></p><p><em>Once upon a time, in a faraway land where time and distance had lost all meaning, there were born to the peasantry a generation of female children whose task and whose talent it would be to unravel the tangled skeins of deceit, viciousness, and trickery that bound the hearts, the souls, and the bloodlines of those families into which each would be born.</em></p><p></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p>It was hard for me, too. And for Serenity. I am still working very hard on this business of seeing myself through compassionate adult eyes. You are coming through already, Copa. It's a process, a conscious and determined choice we can make, if we are fortunate. Remember that Shakespeare quote?</p><p></p><p><em>How poor are those that have not patience? What wound did ever heal, but by degrees.</em></p><p></p><p>Brene Brown's concept of sitting with the feelings helps me stay steady state, when I have been aware enough to stay with the feelings and be real instead of role. The thing I am learning is that the anxiety of doing without those automatic roles behind which we assess what is happening to determine who we need to be is a short lived thing. We can do it, can sit with it; can so easily choose to remain present.</p><p></p><p>It's exhilarating.</p><p></p><p>And that is when I understood I was already home. When I could sit with the feelings, I could understand that I was already healed. It only requires that small courage of presence. We need to do battle with the negatives to stay present instead of slipping into a role comprised of what someone else needs us to be. The negatives will come through in the voice of the primary abuser. They will contain her tone and nuances and will include things so much worse than, in her right mind, she would ever have said. That is the other thing I am coming to understand, as I heal. We are so hard on ourselves that it would break our mothers hearts to know it.</p><p></p><p>They loved us.</p><p></p><p>When we can see our healing in this light ~ and I think this is an absolutely true way to understand it ~ we can know that our mothers would celebrate our healing with all their hearts.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Each of us can remember times when we were loved. That is why we are strong enough to do this, now.</em></p><p></p><p>When we began this healing and I was so angry about what I was seeing, I posted that if we were doing this correctly, we would come through it with compassion for all of us. It was scary going through it though. There were times I wondered whether I was going to be stuck forever in hatred and anger and rage. I felt like such a mess. I held faith with that concept of compassion, though there were times I wondered whether it would ever really be possible to get there. Because Serenity had come through, I was able to hold faith that I would, too.</p><p></p><p>I am coming through now, Copa.</p><p></p><p>You know how hard it was for me, but I am coming through and into compassion for all of us.</p><p></p><p>You will, too.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/starplucker.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":starplucker:" title="starplucker :starplucker:" data-shortname=":starplucker:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 669882, member: 17461"] :yess: Do you feel the co-worker made an accurate assessment, Copa? Yes. And those characteristics that enabled you to triumph in spite of the way you had been taught to see and interpret and value yourself are the characteristics that will see you through this time of healing and enable you to reclaim yourself, now. I see you beginning to see the bravery in that little girl you were, Copa. I am happy and proud for you that this is so. Can you feel the shift in perception from seeing her through your mother's or your stepfather's eyes (or your sister's) to seeing her through your own? That is internal locus of control. Do you know the concept "negative grandiosity", Copa? That comes into play, here. It has to do with the way the mother has been taught to see herself, and with what she was herself given, or not given. She has only what she was given to give her child [I]because[/I] the child is hers. Reflections in a darkened mirror. Remember the story? [I]Once upon a time, in a faraway land where time and distance had lost all meaning, there were born to the peasantry a generation of female children whose task and whose talent it would be to unravel the tangled skeins of deceit, viciousness, and trickery that bound the hearts, the souls, and the bloodlines of those families into which each would be born.[/I] [I] [/I] It was hard for me, too. And for Serenity. I am still working very hard on this business of seeing myself through compassionate adult eyes. You are coming through already, Copa. It's a process, a conscious and determined choice we can make, if we are fortunate. Remember that Shakespeare quote? [I]How poor are those that have not patience? What wound did ever heal, but by degrees.[/I] Brene Brown's concept of sitting with the feelings helps me stay steady state, when I have been aware enough to stay with the feelings and be real instead of role. The thing I am learning is that the anxiety of doing without those automatic roles behind which we assess what is happening to determine who we need to be is a short lived thing. We can do it, can sit with it; can so easily choose to remain present. It's exhilarating. And that is when I understood I was already home. When I could sit with the feelings, I could understand that I was already healed. It only requires that small courage of presence. We need to do battle with the negatives to stay present instead of slipping into a role comprised of what someone else needs us to be. The negatives will come through in the voice of the primary abuser. They will contain her tone and nuances and will include things so much worse than, in her right mind, she would ever have said. That is the other thing I am coming to understand, as I heal. We are so hard on ourselves that it would break our mothers hearts to know it. They loved us. [I][/I] When we can see our healing in this light ~ and I think this is an absolutely true way to understand it ~ we can know that our mothers would celebrate our healing with all their hearts. [I] Each of us can remember times when we were loved. That is why we are strong enough to do this, now.[/I] When we began this healing and I was so angry about what I was seeing, I posted that if we were doing this correctly, we would come through it with compassion for all of us. It was scary going through it though. There were times I wondered whether I was going to be stuck forever in hatred and anger and rage. I felt like such a mess. I held faith with that concept of compassion, though there were times I wondered whether it would ever really be possible to get there. Because Serenity had come through, I was able to hold faith that I would, too. I am coming through now, Copa. You know how hard it was for me, but I am coming through and into compassion for all of us. You will, too. Cedar :starplucker: [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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