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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 669887" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>This way of seeing ourselves through the eyes of others was learned through trauma. Whatever the traumatic events involved, we saw the reason why we were being hurt in the abuser's eyes <em>and incorporated that</em> <em>understanding of self</em> to justify why we were being hurt. This was done in a child's effort to make sense of what was happening. We were little kids. Without the protection and affection of the adults around us, we would die. When physical abuse is involved, or any traumatic punishment, that is the horror that seals those truths inside us: fear of mortality.</p><p></p><p>Most little kids don't come face to face with that on a regular basis.</p><p></p><p>When soldiers are brainwashed or traumatized, they are adult males who know that if they survive it, they will be going home. </p><p></p><p>We were little girls (or little boys).</p><p></p><p>Without military training.</p><p></p><p>And...we were home.</p><p></p><p>That is the mechanism of how we learned to see ourselves through the eyes of our abusers. That is the trauma feeling we encounter now, as adults, when we go back to unthaw and have the feelings and heal those traumas.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, the abuser was not in his or her right mind. Whatever we learned there about ourselves was a wicked lie. And never was true, at all.</p><p></p><p>We were thirty to fifty pound little girls or little boys at the mercy of adults in the grip of something they didn't understand, themselves. </p><p></p><p>We are meant to be whole. </p><p></p><p>It's a matter of giving ourselves permission, and of having a supportive environment for the times the negatives are too intense for us to clear without witnesses to help us understand that what happened to us should never have happened ~ not to anyone, and not to us.</p><p></p><p>It sounds so easy, but it is a very hard thing, to face those negatives down.</p><p></p><p>We are doing it, Feeling and Leafy. We didn't know, when we began, whether it would work or leave us in a worse place than we were when we started.</p><p></p><p>It worked.</p><p></p><p>We have been pretty intensely committed for something like five months. Not only posting to one another, but referencing research. This information is included in Family of Origins threads. Only the beginning threads will not be there. We elected to share our processes publicly so others could know, if it did turn out to help us, how we did it.</p><p></p><p>I am happy you both are here. There is information on shunning, on the shunning in place that happens in dysfunctional family systems, on sibling relationship, on shame and on narcissism referenced in the FOO Chronicles threads. There are clips from The Wizard of Oz, and the Rocky movies and the strangest conglomerations of things that helped describe for us what we felt as we came through. There are reading lists, and links to sites we found helpful to us. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>To go back to the comment with which I began this response, Leafy. Two years ago, my only New Year's resolution was to be kinder to myself. Not kind; kinder. That was so simple a thing to remember, and it had amazing effect.</p><p></p><p>That is a good place to begin.</p><p></p><p>A simple resolution to be kinder to ourselves. Not kind ~ that is too much pressure. Kinder. The negative tapes were so destructive, Leafy. For the longest time, once I had given up on trying to do my hair or prepare myself for the day, I would tell myself: "That'll do, pig."</p><p></p><p>I thought that was so funny.</p><p></p><p>It's a line from the movie Babe.</p><p></p><p>"That'll do, pig."</p><p></p><p>It was light years better than the things I had been telling myself around the issue of appearance. After we had been working here for several months, I was able to hear the terrible contempt in that phrase, and to stop using it.</p><p></p><p>I was able to feel compassion for the way I beat myself up every time I was getting ready to go somewhere.</p><p></p><p>Every time.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that something. How have those of us who learned those things about ourselves as children managed to function in the world at all?</p><p></p><p>We are very brave, I think.</p><p></p><p>It is difficult to recognize global condemnation, and so hurtful, when we do.</p><p></p><p>To this day, that tool to be kinder ~ not kind, but only kinder ~ to myself, enables me to take very small steps away from those ways I learned to see myself when I was a little girl. If we can witness now for those children we were, we heal. But we need a supportive environment because without it, we cannot counteract those truths we were traumatized into believing in our efforts to explain why what was happening to us was happening. </p><p></p><p>Welcome to FOO Chronicles, you two.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/choir.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":choir:" title="choir :choir:" data-shortname=":choir:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 669887, member: 17461"] Yes. This way of seeing ourselves through the eyes of others was learned through trauma. Whatever the traumatic events involved, we saw the reason why we were being hurt in the abuser's eyes [I]and incorporated that[/I] [I]understanding of self[/I] to justify why we were being hurt. This was done in a child's effort to make sense of what was happening. We were little kids. Without the protection and affection of the adults around us, we would die. When physical abuse is involved, or any traumatic punishment, that is the horror that seals those truths inside us: fear of mortality. Most little kids don't come face to face with that on a regular basis. When soldiers are brainwashed or traumatized, they are adult males who know that if they survive it, they will be going home. We were little girls (or little boys). Without military training. And...we were home. That is the mechanism of how we learned to see ourselves through the eyes of our abusers. That is the trauma feeling we encounter now, as adults, when we go back to unthaw and have the feelings and heal those traumas. But the thing is, the abuser was not in his or her right mind. Whatever we learned there about ourselves was a wicked lie. And never was true, at all. We were thirty to fifty pound little girls or little boys at the mercy of adults in the grip of something they didn't understand, themselves. We are meant to be whole. It's a matter of giving ourselves permission, and of having a supportive environment for the times the negatives are too intense for us to clear without witnesses to help us understand that what happened to us should never have happened ~ not to anyone, and not to us. It sounds so easy, but it is a very hard thing, to face those negatives down. We are doing it, Feeling and Leafy. We didn't know, when we began, whether it would work or leave us in a worse place than we were when we started. It worked. We have been pretty intensely committed for something like five months. Not only posting to one another, but referencing research. This information is included in Family of Origins threads. Only the beginning threads will not be there. We elected to share our processes publicly so others could know, if it did turn out to help us, how we did it. I am happy you both are here. There is information on shunning, on the shunning in place that happens in dysfunctional family systems, on sibling relationship, on shame and on narcissism referenced in the FOO Chronicles threads. There are clips from The Wizard of Oz, and the Rocky movies and the strangest conglomerations of things that helped describe for us what we felt as we came through. There are reading lists, and links to sites we found helpful to us. :O) Cedar To go back to the comment with which I began this response, Leafy. Two years ago, my only New Year's resolution was to be kinder to myself. Not kind; kinder. That was so simple a thing to remember, and it had amazing effect. That is a good place to begin. A simple resolution to be kinder to ourselves. Not kind ~ that is too much pressure. Kinder. The negative tapes were so destructive, Leafy. For the longest time, once I had given up on trying to do my hair or prepare myself for the day, I would tell myself: "That'll do, pig." I thought that was so funny. It's a line from the movie Babe. "That'll do, pig." It was light years better than the things I had been telling myself around the issue of appearance. After we had been working here for several months, I was able to hear the terrible contempt in that phrase, and to stop using it. I was able to feel compassion for the way I beat myself up every time I was getting ready to go somewhere. Every time. Isn't that something. How have those of us who learned those things about ourselves as children managed to function in the world at all? We are very brave, I think. It is difficult to recognize global condemnation, and so hurtful, when we do. To this day, that tool to be kinder ~ not kind, but only kinder ~ to myself, enables me to take very small steps away from those ways I learned to see myself when I was a little girl. If we can witness now for those children we were, we heal. But we need a supportive environment because without it, we cannot counteract those truths we were traumatized into believing in our efforts to explain why what was happening to us was happening. Welcome to FOO Chronicles, you two. :choir: :hugs: [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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