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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 669921" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Yes Cedar, this is true. I think that by my parents telling me constantly to ignore the ill treatment, my siblings became more brazen, and I learned that I should swallow my feelings and readily forgive those who treated me badly. There was something deep inside me, that knew it was not right. I was in conflict with that for the better part of my life. Trying to prove that I was worthy of being treated kindly, but not really believing it, putting myself into impossible situations, then struggling to get out. A see-saw of emotions.</p><p></p><p></p><p>De ja vu, I have been here before. A time machine we are forced to enter until we recognize and fix what is broken. To find out that we were not broken at all, just made to feel that way constantly.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, for me it is working. It is such a simple thing. For my sister, hard, because she does not want to face the fact that she was my tormentor. I cannot hold her wholly responsible, because she was allowed to be domineering. I do not think my parents really knew how repressing the experience was for me, how it was affecting me.</p><p></p><p>I believe that is a very important part of the process. The ability to remain anonymous has it's merits, I do not wish to cause my family grief or shame. I love them. I have found that I cannot process this with them, they will not validate it, become resentful and irritated by it, they don't want to hear of it.<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/speechless.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":speechless:" title="speechless :speechless:" data-shortname=":speechless:" /></p><p>I think that is their pattern, I was viewed as a child as over sensitive, "Oh God, there she goes crying again." That sensitivity is a gift, and a curse. It allows me to look at the world with different eyes, with an intense desire, a need to express, to paint, to sew, to sculpt, to write poetry. My sensitivity was condemned, they tried to knock it out of me.</p><p>My son is the same. He is a very sensitive caring boy. His sisters used to complain that he wasn't "tough" enough. I told them that most women yearn for men who will understand them, and talk with them. Here their brother was showing a sensitive caring trait, and they wanted him to be something else, a tough "little man". I put a stop to that. As a young child, up to the age of ten, when we went to the bank together, he would sit at the table and write me little notes on the bank scratch paper. I still have them. Hearts and flowers and "I love you Mommy". I taught him to be a gentleman, and at 14, he holds the door open for me and others, and will give up his seat for women and elderly. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/angel.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":angel:" title="angel :angel:" data-shortname=":angel:" /></p><p></p><p>I must look into these previous posts. As I wrote before, the Wizard of Oz is one of my favorites. I went to the see play "Wicked" here. It was beautiful.</p><p>I often wonder if the authors of these creative, fantastic stories were really writing about their FOOS? How smart, to create characters based on your childhood experience, but to make them so fantasy oriented, that no one would know that it was based on real life?</p><p></p><p>Yes, Cedar, that is a good start, kinder. Our inner selves were so negatively trained by our adversarial FOO relationships. Bad person, bad, bad person. So deserving of ill treatment.</p><p></p><p>Love the movie Babe. That'll do pig. It was a compliment to the pig from the seldom spoken farmer. <strong><em><u>So not</u></em></strong> an appropriate self analogy. I am glad that you saw the contempt, and stopped. Good work Cedar. Nobody deserves that kind of talk, not from anyone, especially ourselves.</p><p>From my experience, I learned to be compassionate towards others, but not towards myself. I was, and am still, my own harshest critic. I often wonder, since my father was so consumed by being perfect, if that has rubbed off on me. I was born with syndactylism, third and fourth finger conjoined on my left hand. My mother, the nurse, did not discover it until two weeks after I was brought home! In fact, she told me this trip, that my brother was the one to notice, he would have been three. Did that trigger something in my Dad? I was imperfect? I remember hiding my left hand, and being really embarrassed by it for a long time. Now I say that I was meant to be a water person-Aqua girl. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am so thankful for the "FOO Chronicles", it is an affirmation and a validation of what has been denied for most of my lifetime. I wrote in a different thread of my sister recently posting a quote on Facebook that stated all of our decisions and choices were made by us, had nothing to do with anything else, past relationships, weather, etc. Poppycock! I am sure that was meant for me. She can believe what she wants. She is not me. I will have my opinions, perspective and understanding. I do not need to carry it with me, or hold a grudge. I do see the necessity to research what I grew up with, to know myself better through my childhood history, to heal myself and learn to set new patterns. There must be a reason why I am thrown back into time by songs, scents, feelings. </p><p></p><p>Thank you Cedar for sharing your story, your thoughts and being so wonderfully kind. You have such a way with words, I have been comforted tremendously by your responses. </p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/love.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":love:" title="love :love:" data-shortname=":love:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 669921, member: 19522"] Yes Cedar, this is true. I think that by my parents telling me constantly to ignore the ill treatment, my siblings became more brazen, and I learned that I should swallow my feelings and readily forgive those who treated me badly. There was something deep inside me, that knew it was not right. I was in conflict with that for the better part of my life. Trying to prove that I was worthy of being treated kindly, but not really believing it, putting myself into impossible situations, then struggling to get out. A see-saw of emotions. De ja vu, I have been here before. A time machine we are forced to enter until we recognize and fix what is broken. To find out that we were not broken at all, just made to feel that way constantly. Yes, for me it is working. It is such a simple thing. For my sister, hard, because she does not want to face the fact that she was my tormentor. I cannot hold her wholly responsible, because she was allowed to be domineering. I do not think my parents really knew how repressing the experience was for me, how it was affecting me. I believe that is a very important part of the process. The ability to remain anonymous has it's merits, I do not wish to cause my family grief or shame. I love them. I have found that I cannot process this with them, they will not validate it, become resentful and irritated by it, they don't want to hear of it.:speechless: I think that is their pattern, I was viewed as a child as over sensitive, "Oh God, there she goes crying again." That sensitivity is a gift, and a curse. It allows me to look at the world with different eyes, with an intense desire, a need to express, to paint, to sew, to sculpt, to write poetry. My sensitivity was condemned, they tried to knock it out of me. My son is the same. He is a very sensitive caring boy. His sisters used to complain that he wasn't "tough" enough. I told them that most women yearn for men who will understand them, and talk with them. Here their brother was showing a sensitive caring trait, and they wanted him to be something else, a tough "little man". I put a stop to that. As a young child, up to the age of ten, when we went to the bank together, he would sit at the table and write me little notes on the bank scratch paper. I still have them. Hearts and flowers and "I love you Mommy". I taught him to be a gentleman, and at 14, he holds the door open for me and others, and will give up his seat for women and elderly. :angel: I must look into these previous posts. As I wrote before, the Wizard of Oz is one of my favorites. I went to the see play "Wicked" here. It was beautiful. I often wonder if the authors of these creative, fantastic stories were really writing about their FOOS? How smart, to create characters based on your childhood experience, but to make them so fantasy oriented, that no one would know that it was based on real life? Yes, Cedar, that is a good start, kinder. Our inner selves were so negatively trained by our adversarial FOO relationships. Bad person, bad, bad person. So deserving of ill treatment. Love the movie Babe. That'll do pig. It was a compliment to the pig from the seldom spoken farmer. [B][I][U]So not[/U][/I][/B] an appropriate self analogy. I am glad that you saw the contempt, and stopped. Good work Cedar. Nobody deserves that kind of talk, not from anyone, especially ourselves. From my experience, I learned to be compassionate towards others, but not towards myself. I was, and am still, my own harshest critic. I often wonder, since my father was so consumed by being perfect, if that has rubbed off on me. I was born with syndactylism, third and fourth finger conjoined on my left hand. My mother, the nurse, did not discover it until two weeks after I was brought home! In fact, she told me this trip, that my brother was the one to notice, he would have been three. Did that trigger something in my Dad? I was imperfect? I remember hiding my left hand, and being really embarrassed by it for a long time. Now I say that I was meant to be a water person-Aqua girl. ;) I am so thankful for the "FOO Chronicles", it is an affirmation and a validation of what has been denied for most of my lifetime. I wrote in a different thread of my sister recently posting a quote on Facebook that stated all of our decisions and choices were made by us, had nothing to do with anything else, past relationships, weather, etc. Poppycock! I am sure that was meant for me. She can believe what she wants. She is not me. I will have my opinions, perspective and understanding. I do not need to carry it with me, or hold a grudge. I do see the necessity to research what I grew up with, to know myself better through my childhood history, to heal myself and learn to set new patterns. There must be a reason why I am thrown back into time by songs, scents, feelings. Thank you Cedar for sharing your story, your thoughts and being so wonderfully kind. You have such a way with words, I have been comforted tremendously by your responses. :love: [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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