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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 669937" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Rage, envy, exhaustion, betrayal, humiliation, jealousy, frustration.</p><p></p><p>While directed at us and felt towards us. These were their feelings about themselves and others...which they directed towards us only because we were there and small and their own. </p><p></p><p>Kick the dog.</p><p></p><p>It may have had nothing in the world to do with us.</p><p></p><p>We were targeted because we were there, and small, and dependent. We may not even yet had the capacity to speak, let alone talk back....That was why we were chosen--for our dependency...and vulnerability and need. Of them. We would not leave or hurt them. We were part of them. If we bore the feelings, they would not--so much.</p><p></p><p>We were helpless to them. That was why we were chosen as targets. The only thing in their lives completely beholden..who could not, would not leave them.</p><p></p><p>Utterly indispensable, yet completely expendable. Regenerating automatically, to love them again, to forgive them again.</p><p></p><p>And all of it, as if frozen in time, in who we are now, and who we have been:</p><p></p><p>Cleaning. Refusal to clean.</p><p></p><p>Undeserving. And angry about it.</p><p></p><p>Dependent upon the approval of others. A need so strong that the greatest of gifts is to create smiles and pleasure in others. Feeling personal power by doing so.</p><p></p><p>Pain. Shame when we fall short. Self-blame. Guilt. Falling short. Not enough. Fear of being abandoned. Constantly monitoring the other. Are they happy? Am I funny? Are they mad?</p><p></p><p>Avoidance of conflict.</p><p></p><p>Digestive problems. Stuffing it.</p><p></p><p>Compassion. Forgiveness.</p><p></p><p>How little is devoted to holding others responsible.</p><p>Yes. This points the way for me. I do not have to abandon or reject my mother at all. By standing up for myself I am doing so for her.</p><p></p><p>For her and myself.</p><p></p><p>I was the stand-in for her: for the ways she may have felt belittled or small or powerless or humiliated or abandoned or hurt....</p><p></p><p>The feelings she did not have the strength or flexibility to feel...and had to transfer to me...to feel the effects.</p><p>Yes.</p><p> The crux of the matter seems for me to be tied to loyalty to the mother I have lost.</p><p></p><p>A lifetime of loyalty to her. An unwillingness to abandon her...preferring to abandon myself.</p><p></p><p>The need to stand with her. And her values. Her needs. Over myself my own.</p><p></p><p>To speak in our own voices, compassionate, loyal...to our own is to speak for her. When she could not. In a way she could not. That is the shift. To see it this way.</p><p></p><p>And in that way, to show compassion for the mother who was similarly trapped. And to stand by her, with her. Instead of the mindless repetition of cruelty to self, that she could not or would not feel or acknowledge. And was compelled to repeat.</p><p></p><p>We are standing up for them, as well, if we are willing to do so. Without rancor. Without blame. We speak for them. As well as to them. To ourselves.</p><p>There is no incentive to do so. As Cedar points out, it works for her.</p><p></p><p>She felt she had the license to do so, from your parents, who poo pooed it, as a childless nothing. It worked. To elevate herself.</p><p></p><p>The problem for her as it solidified into a rigid stance. She has become a bully. Intolerant of her own vulnerability of reciprocity with others, of vulnerability to others.</p><p></p><p>Maybe she would have had a chance if your mother had confronted it. Maybe not. A trait borne into her. Unfortunately.</p><p> Yes. Each of us seems to have been marked as such. Perhaps there is truth to it. A gift, not a debility, as we were taught to see it.</p><p></p><p>Day dreamer. Lost in fantasy. Distracted. Absorbed in my own world. Easy to be hurt. Feeling.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 669937, member: 18958"] Rage, envy, exhaustion, betrayal, humiliation, jealousy, frustration. While directed at us and felt towards us. These were their feelings about themselves and others...which they directed towards us only because we were there and small and their own. Kick the dog. It may have had nothing in the world to do with us. We were targeted because we were there, and small, and dependent. We may not even yet had the capacity to speak, let alone talk back....That was why we were chosen--for our dependency...and vulnerability and need. Of them. We would not leave or hurt them. We were part of them. If we bore the feelings, they would not--so much. We were helpless to them. That was why we were chosen as targets. The only thing in their lives completely beholden..who could not, would not leave them. Utterly indispensable, yet completely expendable. Regenerating automatically, to love them again, to forgive them again. And all of it, as if frozen in time, in who we are now, and who we have been: Cleaning. Refusal to clean. Undeserving. And angry about it. Dependent upon the approval of others. A need so strong that the greatest of gifts is to create smiles and pleasure in others. Feeling personal power by doing so. Pain. Shame when we fall short. Self-blame. Guilt. Falling short. Not enough. Fear of being abandoned. Constantly monitoring the other. Are they happy? Am I funny? Are they mad? Avoidance of conflict. Digestive problems. Stuffing it. Compassion. Forgiveness. How little is devoted to holding others responsible. Yes. This points the way for me. I do not have to abandon or reject my mother at all. By standing up for myself I am doing so for her. For her and myself. I was the stand-in for her: for the ways she may have felt belittled or small or powerless or humiliated or abandoned or hurt.... The feelings she did not have the strength or flexibility to feel...and had to transfer to me...to feel the effects. Yes. The crux of the matter seems for me to be tied to loyalty to the mother I have lost. A lifetime of loyalty to her. An unwillingness to abandon her...preferring to abandon myself. The need to stand with her. And her values. Her needs. Over myself my own. To speak in our own voices, compassionate, loyal...to our own is to speak for her. When she could not. In a way she could not. That is the shift. To see it this way. And in that way, to show compassion for the mother who was similarly trapped. And to stand by her, with her. Instead of the mindless repetition of cruelty to self, that she could not or would not feel or acknowledge. And was compelled to repeat. We are standing up for them, as well, if we are willing to do so. Without rancor. Without blame. We speak for them. As well as to them. To ourselves. There is no incentive to do so. As Cedar points out, it works for her. She felt she had the license to do so, from your parents, who poo pooed it, as a childless nothing. It worked. To elevate herself. The problem for her as it solidified into a rigid stance. She has become a bully. Intolerant of her own vulnerability of reciprocity with others, of vulnerability to others. Maybe she would have had a chance if your mother had confronted it. Maybe not. A trait borne into her. Unfortunately. Yes. Each of us seems to have been marked as such. Perhaps there is truth to it. A gift, not a debility, as we were taught to see it. Day dreamer. Lost in fantasy. Distracted. Absorbed in my own world. Easy to be hurt. Feeling. COPA [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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