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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 669939" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>It is what it is. </p><p></p><p>She is who she is. How wonderful for you that you love her. How great that you could have anticipated joy having her with you in Hawaii to garden together and walk on the beach. Even if it was not to be. You could have this hope. Many cannot.</p><p>She is physically active, too. Was this part of your childhood, New Leaf? I am happy for her that she has this purpose. And friendship.</p><p>I have ALWAYS wanted to do open water swim. Not canoeing. I would still love to do it. I grew up on the water. I would love to do this. In my birth </p><p>City, San Francisco, there is an open water swim club. Mostly men. There are men in their 80's that swim to Alcatraz.</p><p>M is too. I am terrorized by how he will cross an intersection if there is a 10' opening between cars.</p><p></p><p>He drove in Guadalajara Mx where the traffic is impossible. You seize opportunities where you can. We live in a lazy, small City. He cannot get it through his head, that driving is not dog eat dog, here.</p><p></p><p>At least he does not speak the commands, which is my situation.</p><p></p><p>I want to surf, too. Do you still surf and body surf, New Leaf?</p><p>Yes. This is exactly so.</p><p>I think this is so, too. </p><p></p><p>I think that when we could not succeed, we may have felt that this was a confirmation that we had deserved to be targeted so long ago. </p><p></p><p>This brought up the long-suppressed feelings of isolation, loss and even terror. Most of all, it made us feel desperate, without control. Even helpless.</p><p></p><p>In my case I became angry at my son. My son became my tormentor, as my parents and my sister had been long before. And I became his victim.</p><p></p><p>A terrible repetition. Horrifying, really.</p><p> Yes. I do, Cedar. </p><p> You know, I only partially understand this, I think. </p><p></p><p>Is it this? My mother repressed her negative feelings about herself and acknowledged the positive. </p><p></p><p>My mother grew up in horrifying circumstances. Her father hated Rose, his oldest daughter. I believe he had only married my grandmother, because she became pregnant. I believe he had been in love with another girl and intended to marry her.</p><p></p><p>My grandmother had been separated from her parents at 11 years old, an indentured servant. She was sent alone thousands of miles away. Eventually she was brought to Canada by her sister. </p><p></p><p>My grandparents lived as enemies. They were violent to each other. My mother said they chased each other with knives. </p><p>My mother said she would get off at the street car stop past her house so she could look down her street to see if her parents had this day killed each other. If the police and ambulance were there, she would know.</p><p></p><p>My mother, unlike her older sister, was adored by both parents.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, inside her was the horror.</p><p></p><p>But somewhere in her existed the sense of responsibility that she had caused this chaos. And that this was her fault.</p><p></p><p>She was a beautiful, brilliant little girl. But she became frozen in narcissism. She was acknowledged for her beauty and her wit and warmth. The rest was frozen out. She was not a full person. Really.</p><p></p><p>So negative grandiosity would be the sense in her that she had caused all of this chaos, and conflict and fear and violence. She took responsibility. </p><p></p><p>And so, when her little child acted out...she could acknowledge this as her little girls fault. In spades. It was not her. (But it was.) It was her and not her.</p><p></p><p>But because her little daughter was her...her own...she over-reacted to any demonstration or feeling that the little girl was exhibiting the feelings she would not acknowledge in herself.</p><p></p><p>And when chaos and overwhelm and conflict would happen in her own life...she would quickly transfer the feeling and the responsibility to her little girl.</p><p></p><p>So those little girls became convinced that they were responsible for many, many bad feelings in their mothers and in their mother's and their own worlds.</p><p></p><p>What a great deal of badness for little girls to carry. Sweet and adorable little girls. </p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 669939, member: 18958"] It is what it is. She is who she is. How wonderful for you that you love her. How great that you could have anticipated joy having her with you in Hawaii to garden together and walk on the beach. Even if it was not to be. You could have this hope. Many cannot. She is physically active, too. Was this part of your childhood, New Leaf? I am happy for her that she has this purpose. And friendship. I have ALWAYS wanted to do open water swim. Not canoeing. I would still love to do it. I grew up on the water. I would love to do this. In my birth City, San Francisco, there is an open water swim club. Mostly men. There are men in their 80's that swim to Alcatraz. M is too. I am terrorized by how he will cross an intersection if there is a 10' opening between cars. He drove in Guadalajara Mx where the traffic is impossible. You seize opportunities where you can. We live in a lazy, small City. He cannot get it through his head, that driving is not dog eat dog, here. At least he does not speak the commands, which is my situation. I want to surf, too. Do you still surf and body surf, New Leaf? Yes. This is exactly so. I think this is so, too. I think that when we could not succeed, we may have felt that this was a confirmation that we had deserved to be targeted so long ago. This brought up the long-suppressed feelings of isolation, loss and even terror. Most of all, it made us feel desperate, without control. Even helpless. In my case I became angry at my son. My son became my tormentor, as my parents and my sister had been long before. And I became his victim. A terrible repetition. Horrifying, really. Yes. I do, Cedar. You know, I only partially understand this, I think. Is it this? My mother repressed her negative feelings about herself and acknowledged the positive. My mother grew up in horrifying circumstances. Her father hated Rose, his oldest daughter. I believe he had only married my grandmother, because she became pregnant. I believe he had been in love with another girl and intended to marry her. My grandmother had been separated from her parents at 11 years old, an indentured servant. She was sent alone thousands of miles away. Eventually she was brought to Canada by her sister. My grandparents lived as enemies. They were violent to each other. My mother said they chased each other with knives. My mother said she would get off at the street car stop past her house so she could look down her street to see if her parents had this day killed each other. If the police and ambulance were there, she would know. My mother, unlike her older sister, was adored by both parents. But the thing is, inside her was the horror. But somewhere in her existed the sense of responsibility that she had caused this chaos. And that this was her fault. She was a beautiful, brilliant little girl. But she became frozen in narcissism. She was acknowledged for her beauty and her wit and warmth. The rest was frozen out. She was not a full person. Really. So negative grandiosity would be the sense in her that she had caused all of this chaos, and conflict and fear and violence. She took responsibility. And so, when her little child acted out...she could acknowledge this as her little girls fault. In spades. It was not her. (But it was.) It was her and not her. But because her little daughter was her...her own...she over-reacted to any demonstration or feeling that the little girl was exhibiting the feelings she would not acknowledge in herself. And when chaos and overwhelm and conflict would happen in her own life...she would quickly transfer the feeling and the responsibility to her little girl. So those little girls became convinced that they were responsible for many, many bad feelings in their mothers and in their mother's and their own worlds. What a great deal of badness for little girls to carry. Sweet and adorable little girls. COPA [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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