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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 670117" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>There is truth to this.</p><p>New Leaf, you are hard on yourself. Your wish was that Feeling not suffer. That she (and I) take the steps that will bring us towards peace or at least less pain. That was all I ever read in your posts, caring.</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking a lot about role. About how it is to be without playing some kind of part. Kind, warm shopper. Compassionate professional.</p><p></p><p>I am having compassion for myself and how I was so defended most of my life.</p><p></p><p>I am seeing my sadness and vulnerability now as a glass half full, not empty.</p><p></p><p>I see that I revealed myself so very little in my life. </p><p></p><p>I am forgiving myself for my pain and desperation and anger at my son as he turned on me in those years...as he grew up...How utterly distraught I was. How unprepared for the hurt...that came after loving him so utterly.</p><p></p><p>I am proud of myself to have finally made myself vulnerable to being loved. M covers me up so tightly when he leaves in the morning, like I am a mummy. I do not wake up when he wraps me but feel so toasty. And when I awake and see my mummy self, I feel glad. </p><p></p><p>Yesterday on Public Radio there was a show with Dr. Peter Breggin, a psychiatrist whose works centered on compassionate therapies, and not the drugs which he believes are harmful.</p><p></p><p>He talked about people so harmed by their child experience that they will not open up to care.</p><p></p><p>He discussed much of the same things we do, how children who cannot not feel loved (or they will die) develop a rationale about life, that everything is my fault. My parents love me but they treat me this way because I am a bad, bad child. If I try harder, they will love me more, and treat me better.</p><p></p><p>And those children become adults so guarded that nothing gets through--they cannot accept even the love they needed so long ago. They are so afraid. They they have sealed themselves so tightly, so that their badness stays inside, they cannot trust themselves enough to accept love.</p><p></p><p>I believe I was one of those children. And became one of those adults. Until finally, I changed enough to live a little bit differently.</p><p></p><p>And so today, feeling sad, (not Feeling Sad), I feel grateful. I wonder who I will be now that I am more real.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 670117, member: 18958"] There is truth to this. New Leaf, you are hard on yourself. Your wish was that Feeling not suffer. That she (and I) take the steps that will bring us towards peace or at least less pain. That was all I ever read in your posts, caring. I have been thinking a lot about role. About how it is to be without playing some kind of part. Kind, warm shopper. Compassionate professional. I am having compassion for myself and how I was so defended most of my life. I am seeing my sadness and vulnerability now as a glass half full, not empty. I see that I revealed myself so very little in my life. I am forgiving myself for my pain and desperation and anger at my son as he turned on me in those years...as he grew up...How utterly distraught I was. How unprepared for the hurt...that came after loving him so utterly. I am proud of myself to have finally made myself vulnerable to being loved. M covers me up so tightly when he leaves in the morning, like I am a mummy. I do not wake up when he wraps me but feel so toasty. And when I awake and see my mummy self, I feel glad. Yesterday on Public Radio there was a show with Dr. Peter Breggin, a psychiatrist whose works centered on compassionate therapies, and not the drugs which he believes are harmful. He talked about people so harmed by their child experience that they will not open up to care. He discussed much of the same things we do, how children who cannot not feel loved (or they will die) develop a rationale about life, that everything is my fault. My parents love me but they treat me this way because I am a bad, bad child. If I try harder, they will love me more, and treat me better. And those children become adults so guarded that nothing gets through--they cannot accept even the love they needed so long ago. They are so afraid. They they have sealed themselves so tightly, so that their badness stays inside, they cannot trust themselves enough to accept love. I believe I was one of those children. And became one of those adults. Until finally, I changed enough to live a little bit differently. And so today, feeling sad, (not Feeling Sad), I feel grateful. I wonder who I will be now that I am more real. COPA [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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