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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 680528" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>For me, "not knowing" has always been a double edged sword. There would be times the not knowing would take my breath away, as my imagination would take off and picture her in the worst possible scenarios. Those times would hit me at night, like you, when I laid in my bed in my house, wondering where she was laying. Or in the middle of a happy occasion, that at one time she would have been part of and her absence is so strongly felt. Or on holidays, when the feeling of "family" is strong and I felt her missing like an amputee missing a limb.</p><p></p><p>But often the "not knowing" was such a relief. Because I couldn't worry about what I didn't know, could take a break from thinking about her because it wasn't right in my face. I didn't have to spin my wheels trying to fix whatever situation she was in, wasting my time, energy, money and emotions trying to help someone who wasn't ready to be helped. I could enjoy normal, everyday life activities without guilt or fear. Ahhh...the unknown was often my friend...and I felt that made me a bad mother.</p><p></p><p>Because now I know too much, have seen too much, have images in my mind that will never be erased and sometimes give me nightmares. I have seen things in my child that I will never forget and that will never allow me to see her the same way again, making me fear I will never be able to feel what I once felt for her, forever altering the fabric of our relationship in a way that I will never be able to feel comfortable in her presence. Knowing ended up being so much worse than what I had imagined, and I had imagined some horrible things.</p><p></p><p>Ignorance was bliss for me. Knowing has been hell. That probably says some ugly things about me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 680528, member: 19905"] For me, "not knowing" has always been a double edged sword. There would be times the not knowing would take my breath away, as my imagination would take off and picture her in the worst possible scenarios. Those times would hit me at night, like you, when I laid in my bed in my house, wondering where she was laying. Or in the middle of a happy occasion, that at one time she would have been part of and her absence is so strongly felt. Or on holidays, when the feeling of "family" is strong and I felt her missing like an amputee missing a limb. But often the "not knowing" was such a relief. Because I couldn't worry about what I didn't know, could take a break from thinking about her because it wasn't right in my face. I didn't have to spin my wheels trying to fix whatever situation she was in, wasting my time, energy, money and emotions trying to help someone who wasn't ready to be helped. I could enjoy normal, everyday life activities without guilt or fear. Ahhh...the unknown was often my friend...and I felt that made me a bad mother. Because now I know too much, have seen too much, have images in my mind that will never be erased and sometimes give me nightmares. I have seen things in my child that I will never forget and that will never allow me to see her the same way again, making me fear I will never be able to feel what I once felt for her, forever altering the fabric of our relationship in a way that I will never be able to feel comfortable in her presence. Knowing ended up being so much worse than what I had imagined, and I had imagined some horrible things. Ignorance was bliss for me. Knowing has been hell. That probably says some ugly things about me. [/QUOTE]
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