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Why do I even bother......
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 361415" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I could be WAY off base here, I mean occasionally I've been in left field....but to read between the lines of your response. You say that difficult child follows you room to room (except for your room) and he talks about his world to you. If you think about that for a minute from my perspective? (outside your walls) to me it sounds like he's TRYING to communicate or have SOME conversation with you, but doesn't maybe know how. He is after all emotionally defunct and most of us would agree that even at their age most difficult child's are about three to four years being where most kids normally would be socially. (I mean at 19 Dude behaves like someone 16-16 1/2) would. </p><p> </p><p>So what he says irritates you, with good reason. I mean you have this kid, living in your home, doing things that you don't like. That's got to frustrate you not only as the parent, but as the person who is paying the bills and eating the boatload of crud and disrespect from this person. If he wasn't your son would you tolerate this from a renter? Smoking dope, not working, not helping around the house, not doing as you asked? Not being responsible, having irritatating and opposing views on nearly every conversation? </p><p> </p><p>See like I said - maybe YOU think - he's saying these things to irritate you, but I don't. I think it's HIS way of trying to find some common ground to talk to you about something, anything. I mean if he did NOT want to be around you why oh WHY would he follow you room to room illiciting conversations? (shrug?) So I see this as an opportunity to have a dialogue - but the problem here is that neither of you know how to communicate effectively with each other. You can talk to US effectively - you can probably go to work and talk to your colleagues effectively but isn't it odd that we have these little people we gave birth to in our homes and we have no idea how to talk to them or what to talk about? </p><p> </p><p>I started reading on line about effective communication years ago. I had no idea that you could say things to people thinking you were being inquisitive about their life or meaning to give a compliment and THEY took it as a backhanded compliment or insult or put down. TEENAGERS hear ----everything. They are looking for accolades without hearing BRAVO - and clapping and stomping and fanfare. But how do you do that like a parent, sound like a peer, and come off non-chalant? You can....takes practice. Doesn't come naturally to most people. I've always said if THEY won't go to therapy then YOU go and learn what you can....and apply it best you can. </p><p> </p><p>If you can't? Look up and read books about effective communication. I can't tell you what would be a good common ground for you and your son because I don't know either of you that well. I know starting with normal parent things and pushing him to do things he KNOWS he needs to do is NOT treating him like an adult. he KNOWS he needs to find a job. He KNOWS he needs to pay his fines, he KNOWS if he does not he is going to jail. If he does? YOU KNOW - you will have the house to yourself. Is that something you NEED to tell him? NOPE. It's a JUST IS. Maybe a conversation killer when he's complaining about one of his friends' parents would be - "Well I'm glad WE are able to sit and talk." and leave it at that. Then get up and say "I'm going for ice cream - I'd like you to come with, I saw you took the trash out without asking. Thanks." See where that goes maybe??? </p><p> </p><p>Like I said - check into effective communication. Just another idea. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 361415, member: 4964"] I could be WAY off base here, I mean occasionally I've been in left field....but to read between the lines of your response. You say that difficult child follows you room to room (except for your room) and he talks about his world to you. If you think about that for a minute from my perspective? (outside your walls) to me it sounds like he's TRYING to communicate or have SOME conversation with you, but doesn't maybe know how. He is after all emotionally defunct and most of us would agree that even at their age most difficult child's are about three to four years being where most kids normally would be socially. (I mean at 19 Dude behaves like someone 16-16 1/2) would. So what he says irritates you, with good reason. I mean you have this kid, living in your home, doing things that you don't like. That's got to frustrate you not only as the parent, but as the person who is paying the bills and eating the boatload of crud and disrespect from this person. If he wasn't your son would you tolerate this from a renter? Smoking dope, not working, not helping around the house, not doing as you asked? Not being responsible, having irritatating and opposing views on nearly every conversation? See like I said - maybe YOU think - he's saying these things to irritate you, but I don't. I think it's HIS way of trying to find some common ground to talk to you about something, anything. I mean if he did NOT want to be around you why oh WHY would he follow you room to room illiciting conversations? (shrug?) So I see this as an opportunity to have a dialogue - but the problem here is that neither of you know how to communicate effectively with each other. You can talk to US effectively - you can probably go to work and talk to your colleagues effectively but isn't it odd that we have these little people we gave birth to in our homes and we have no idea how to talk to them or what to talk about? I started reading on line about effective communication years ago. I had no idea that you could say things to people thinking you were being inquisitive about their life or meaning to give a compliment and THEY took it as a backhanded compliment or insult or put down. TEENAGERS hear ----everything. They are looking for accolades without hearing BRAVO - and clapping and stomping and fanfare. But how do you do that like a parent, sound like a peer, and come off non-chalant? You can....takes practice. Doesn't come naturally to most people. I've always said if THEY won't go to therapy then YOU go and learn what you can....and apply it best you can. If you can't? Look up and read books about effective communication. I can't tell you what would be a good common ground for you and your son because I don't know either of you that well. I know starting with normal parent things and pushing him to do things he KNOWS he needs to do is NOT treating him like an adult. he KNOWS he needs to find a job. He KNOWS he needs to pay his fines, he KNOWS if he does not he is going to jail. If he does? YOU KNOW - you will have the house to yourself. Is that something you NEED to tell him? NOPE. It's a JUST IS. Maybe a conversation killer when he's complaining about one of his friends' parents would be - "Well I'm glad WE are able to sit and talk." and leave it at that. Then get up and say "I'm going for ice cream - I'd like you to come with, I saw you took the trash out without asking. Thanks." See where that goes maybe??? Like I said - check into effective communication. Just another idea. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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