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Why do I have swings in levels of hope for my son? Is this the fate of CD parents?
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<blockquote data-quote="Otto von Bismark" data-source="post: 502810" data-attributes="member: 12905"><p><span style="color: #b22222">"Can I toss a really far-out idea out there somewhere?</span></p><p><span style="color: #b22222">What's the chances your difficult child has some form of attachment disorder?"</span></p><p></p><p>I will have to read about it. He is third baby, my last, born full term to me, during marital strife. Spent 4 days in NICU, but then was home with me for a long time. My husband and I were on the rocks when he was 4 months old, and I had a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I was divorced when he was one. I was really into being there for my kids when they were little. Drawing, games, stroller rides, park, play doh, reading together, crafts, blocks....all that - I did it. I was there for it.</p><p></p><p>He had a cleft palate, surgery at 9 months. We stayed in hospital with him. All therapies were with me present. </p><p>No day care. Sick kid ...multiple aspiration pneumonias, though.</p><p></p><p>When I couldn't make it on my own, I moved in with my parents, rather than put him in day care. I remarried when he was 3 1/2, we added two older stepbrothers into the mix, but they lived with us and were really good boys. Nice to him, nice to their dad, and me(stepmom), and my daughters. I even work from home, after a brief attempt at working outside the house. Couldn't do it.</p><p></p><p>Very stable home. Family dinner table every night. Slurpees and movie night every Friday night. For years.</p><p></p><p>He did 2 day or 3 day a week preschool from 9 to noon when he was three. He got kicked out of two of them for biting. I was suspecting autism spectrum at this point, because he got really, really mad when he couldn't communicate. He had a form of echolalia and didn't converse well until he was past five. We got off gluten at five and he made instant, impressive progress, but is speech and was diagnosed with Asperger's by the school in kindergarten. There always seemed to be something .....missing with him, though. I knew other boys with Asperger's and he didn't act the same way. I suspected intellectual disability around then, but who knows.....</p><p></p><p>He does have big sense of loss with his father, who lives in another state. They also don't have a close relationship when they are together. My son talks about having a longing to have a good relationship with his dad but it doesn't seem to work out. I know my son was terribly upset when his dad had another son some years later when my difficult child son was 8. It was the first time when I remember him acting upset at some relational/social thing.</p><p></p><p>Just looking it up --</p><p>Neglect -- <span style="color: #b22222">none whatsoever</span></p><p>Abuse -- <span style="color: #b22222">none whatsoever from me -- he says his stepmother scared him and wasn't most appropriate parent.</span></p><p>Separation from the primary caregiver -- <span style="color: #b22222">summers and some Christmas holidays, always to Dad, and with sisters, to same house.</span></p><p>Changes in the primary caregiver -- <span style="color: #b22222">divorce and out of state visitation, but it was always between same two people.</span></p><p>Frequent moves and/or placements -- <span style="color: #b22222">he moved with family from a house to grandma's house with mom and sibs when he was 1 -- where we always visited previously) -- to new husband's house in same town when he was 3, to newer house in same neighborhood when he was 5. Kept same friends, same family members close by.</span></p><p>Traumatic experiences -- <span style="color: #b22222">two surgeries, difficult older sister, very tough time fitting in during visitation with father's family</span></p><p>Maternal depression -- <span style="color: #b22222">maybe in the beginning, when I was broke and on welfare with three kids under five and one very sick one...., but it was situational and mild and didn't prevent me from being attentive to kids.</span></p><p>Maternal addiction - drugs or alcohol -- <span style="color: #b22222">none whatsoever. Sometimes I wished, lol.</span></p><p>Undiagnosed, painful illness such as colic, ear infections, etc. - <span style="color: #b22222">cleft palate, surgery, ear infections every two weeks until tubes at nine months, pneumonias, hernia repair....all before age 2.</span></p><p>Lack of attunement between mother and child -- <span style="color: #b22222">I try hard, am always there. Try to play board games, connect emotionally, do activities together. I try....but it is hard to connect to him. He doesn't relate well, so there is small reward for doing it, but I don't give up. I fake it sometimes....I don't really want to hear about a Harry Potter Wand for the 800th time, and I get tired of him declaring things all the time and never asking about anything other than stuff that pertains to his needs or desires, but isn't that normal as a parent of kid with autism? </span></p><p>Young or inexperienced mother with poor parenting skills -- <span style="color: #b22222">experienced mother with very good parenting skills, had him at age 29. </span></p><p><span style="color: #b22222"></span></p><p>What do you guys think? Insane CDN, you may be an intuitive genius. I look at all the red letters and freak out, thinking I gave him a crappy life, now. Could he be sensitive enough of a kid to REALLY react to parental visitation? There is the autism in the mix, making things hard to wade through. I just don't know.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Otto von Bismark, post: 502810, member: 12905"] [COLOR=#b22222]"Can I toss a really far-out idea out there somewhere? What's the chances your difficult child has some form of attachment disorder?"[/COLOR] I will have to read about it. He is third baby, my last, born full term to me, during marital strife. Spent 4 days in NICU, but then was home with me for a long time. My husband and I were on the rocks when he was 4 months old, and I had a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I was divorced when he was one. I was really into being there for my kids when they were little. Drawing, games, stroller rides, park, play doh, reading together, crafts, blocks....all that - I did it. I was there for it. He had a cleft palate, surgery at 9 months. We stayed in hospital with him. All therapies were with me present. No day care. Sick kid ...multiple aspiration pneumonias, though. When I couldn't make it on my own, I moved in with my parents, rather than put him in day care. I remarried when he was 3 1/2, we added two older stepbrothers into the mix, but they lived with us and were really good boys. Nice to him, nice to their dad, and me(stepmom), and my daughters. I even work from home, after a brief attempt at working outside the house. Couldn't do it. Very stable home. Family dinner table every night. Slurpees and movie night every Friday night. For years. He did 2 day or 3 day a week preschool from 9 to noon when he was three. He got kicked out of two of them for biting. I was suspecting autism spectrum at this point, because he got really, really mad when he couldn't communicate. He had a form of echolalia and didn't converse well until he was past five. We got off gluten at five and he made instant, impressive progress, but is speech and was diagnosed with Asperger's by the school in kindergarten. There always seemed to be something .....missing with him, though. I knew other boys with Asperger's and he didn't act the same way. I suspected intellectual disability around then, but who knows..... He does have big sense of loss with his father, who lives in another state. They also don't have a close relationship when they are together. My son talks about having a longing to have a good relationship with his dad but it doesn't seem to work out. I know my son was terribly upset when his dad had another son some years later when my difficult child son was 8. It was the first time when I remember him acting upset at some relational/social thing. Just looking it up -- Neglect -- [COLOR=#b22222]none whatsoever[/COLOR] Abuse -- [COLOR=#b22222]none whatsoever from me -- he says his stepmother scared him and wasn't most appropriate parent.[/COLOR] Separation from the primary caregiver -- [COLOR=#b22222]summers and some Christmas holidays, always to Dad, and with sisters, to same house.[/COLOR] Changes in the primary caregiver -- [COLOR=#b22222]divorce and out of state visitation, but it was always between same two people.[/COLOR] Frequent moves and/or placements -- [COLOR=#b22222]he moved with family from a house to grandma's house with mom and sibs when he was 1 -- where we always visited previously) -- to new husband's house in same town when he was 3, to newer house in same neighborhood when he was 5. Kept same friends, same family members close by.[/COLOR] Traumatic experiences -- [COLOR=#b22222]two surgeries, difficult older sister, very tough time fitting in during visitation with father's family[/COLOR] Maternal depression -- [COLOR=#b22222]maybe in the beginning, when I was broke and on welfare with three kids under five and one very sick one...., but it was situational and mild and didn't prevent me from being attentive to kids.[/COLOR] Maternal addiction - drugs or alcohol -- [COLOR=#b22222]none whatsoever. Sometimes I wished, lol.[/COLOR] Undiagnosed, painful illness such as colic, ear infections, etc. - [COLOR=#b22222]cleft palate, surgery, ear infections every two weeks until tubes at nine months, pneumonias, hernia repair....all before age 2.[/COLOR] Lack of attunement between mother and child -- [COLOR=#b22222]I try hard, am always there. Try to play board games, connect emotionally, do activities together. I try....but it is hard to connect to him. He doesn't relate well, so there is small reward for doing it, but I don't give up. I fake it sometimes....I don't really want to hear about a Harry Potter Wand for the 800th time, and I get tired of him declaring things all the time and never asking about anything other than stuff that pertains to his needs or desires, but isn't that normal as a parent of kid with autism? [/COLOR] Young or inexperienced mother with poor parenting skills -- [COLOR=#b22222]experienced mother with very good parenting skills, had him at age 29. [/COLOR] What do you guys think? Insane CDN, you may be an intuitive genius. I look at all the red letters and freak out, thinking I gave him a crappy life, now. Could he be sensitive enough of a kid to REALLY react to parental visitation? There is the autism in the mix, making things hard to wade through. I just don't know. [/QUOTE]
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Why do I have swings in levels of hope for my son? Is this the fate of CD parents?
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