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Why does my son complain so often?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 445655" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Malika, you did exactly the right thing. Never forget that we cannot avoid all tantrums. The child learns too, in a tantrum. I remember having unreasonable tantrums when I was 8 years old and more. A situation would occur, I was angry, did not know how to react and so I got angry, often with people I should not have. I did not know how to be gracious and I was just not mature enough to learn at that stage.</p><p></p><p>We had exactly your problem with J, with difficult child 3 when he was 8. We were on holidays and doing what tourists do - we'd go to this zoo or that museum and difficult child 3's favourite part would be the gift shop at the end. The things that fascinated him (besides puzzles) were water-filled paperweights (like snow globes). He wanted something from every place. I have a principle of buying a fridge magnet from every place we've been, so at home our fridge is a monument to our family adventures. I was finally able to get across to difficult child 3 that while we were on holidays I would buy him a small toy each day, only one. He could choose but once he had chosen for that day, that was it. We did have a few tantrums to begin with, when he had already chosen and bought his toy and then later saw something he would have liked more. A few times we actually went back a day later to buy the next toy, from something he had seen the day before and wanted the day before. The same rule applied - "The penguin paperweight is Wednesday's toy. Today is Wednesday. You now say you want the ring puzzle; if you choose it tomorrow, we can come back then." By the end of two weeks away, difficult child 3 was a lot better. We still had problems, but te daily lesson helped.</p><p></p><p>Another thing that helped, was the "family shop". Interestingly, we had to bring this in with easy child, she was very desperate to not miss out on a chance to buy a toy she wanted and would not be happy to leave a store until we had bought it. But she had a pocket money allowance and if she had overspent it, that was it. We had to have a rule. She was collecting Sylvanian Families (remember those?) and also decorating a dolls house. Every time we went shopping she would go to the toy store to see what they had. I remember the time there was a discount sale - it made sense to buy up stock at half price, but she did not have enough money. "When I get my next pocket money, the sale will be over!" she wailed. "Or someone else will buy that cute bear!"</p><p></p><p>So we agreed to buy it for her but not for her to have until she could redeem it from the family shop. She would have to buy it first before she went to another shop and bought anything. She readily agreed, tantrum was over and we went home. She did ask for the toy; we said no, she had not yet paid for it. But she was still feeling less anxious because she knew it was not lost, it would be hers. There were times she tried to change her mind - I did say that if we could, we could take it back to the store for a refund. She had to think about that... but a commitment is a commitment. It was the earliest lesson in making business decisions.</p><p></p><p>Sometime were had items in the family shop for a long time. The kids would also use this to buy expensive items; it was a sort of family lay-by system. And such a commitment once entered into had to become an obligation. If they begged for another toy while we were out, I would remind them - there was already an item in the queue and if they no longer wanted it, they had already made a commitment and it had to be honoured. I remember difficult child 1 once did a deal with a friend who bought an unwanted brand new item from us, difficult child 1 had to cover any financial shortfall in the cost of the item. difficult child 1 was a bit of a wheeler and dealer that way.</p><p></p><p>Having a desperately wanted item in the family shop took some of the pressure off. Having us buy a toy a day while on holiday was also a valuable learning tool for difficult child 3 (even though the other kids were resentful because they felt he was getting given too much). A lot of what we bought were actually family property, not just for difficult child 3. Games and puzzles, for example. And we had to be a bit more generous with the other kids too, or it would have been even more unfair.</p><p></p><p>Our kids react this way because they are very immediate. Especially when younger. They also feel a desperate need to have some level of control in their environment (not in any bad, machiavellian kind of way) and the perceived chaos in their world needs to be managed by having something they can rely on. That's why routine is often so helpful. Too helpful, if they become overly reliant on it (that way lies Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)).</p><p></p><p>Malika, what you describe in J's behaviour, I personally have ascribed to the autism spectrum in our family. We learned to manage it in our own ways and now we cope a lot better. The boys are still acquisitive (within their own interest areas) but have had to learn to temper it with practicality. Although I want my living room back - it currently is the repository for difficult child 3's entire arsenal of Nerf weapons!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 445655, member: 1991"] Malika, you did exactly the right thing. Never forget that we cannot avoid all tantrums. The child learns too, in a tantrum. I remember having unreasonable tantrums when I was 8 years old and more. A situation would occur, I was angry, did not know how to react and so I got angry, often with people I should not have. I did not know how to be gracious and I was just not mature enough to learn at that stage. We had exactly your problem with J, with difficult child 3 when he was 8. We were on holidays and doing what tourists do - we'd go to this zoo or that museum and difficult child 3's favourite part would be the gift shop at the end. The things that fascinated him (besides puzzles) were water-filled paperweights (like snow globes). He wanted something from every place. I have a principle of buying a fridge magnet from every place we've been, so at home our fridge is a monument to our family adventures. I was finally able to get across to difficult child 3 that while we were on holidays I would buy him a small toy each day, only one. He could choose but once he had chosen for that day, that was it. We did have a few tantrums to begin with, when he had already chosen and bought his toy and then later saw something he would have liked more. A few times we actually went back a day later to buy the next toy, from something he had seen the day before and wanted the day before. The same rule applied - "The penguin paperweight is Wednesday's toy. Today is Wednesday. You now say you want the ring puzzle; if you choose it tomorrow, we can come back then." By the end of two weeks away, difficult child 3 was a lot better. We still had problems, but te daily lesson helped. Another thing that helped, was the "family shop". Interestingly, we had to bring this in with easy child, she was very desperate to not miss out on a chance to buy a toy she wanted and would not be happy to leave a store until we had bought it. But she had a pocket money allowance and if she had overspent it, that was it. We had to have a rule. She was collecting Sylvanian Families (remember those?) and also decorating a dolls house. Every time we went shopping she would go to the toy store to see what they had. I remember the time there was a discount sale - it made sense to buy up stock at half price, but she did not have enough money. "When I get my next pocket money, the sale will be over!" she wailed. "Or someone else will buy that cute bear!" So we agreed to buy it for her but not for her to have until she could redeem it from the family shop. She would have to buy it first before she went to another shop and bought anything. She readily agreed, tantrum was over and we went home. She did ask for the toy; we said no, she had not yet paid for it. But she was still feeling less anxious because she knew it was not lost, it would be hers. There were times she tried to change her mind - I did say that if we could, we could take it back to the store for a refund. She had to think about that... but a commitment is a commitment. It was the earliest lesson in making business decisions. Sometime were had items in the family shop for a long time. The kids would also use this to buy expensive items; it was a sort of family lay-by system. And such a commitment once entered into had to become an obligation. If they begged for another toy while we were out, I would remind them - there was already an item in the queue and if they no longer wanted it, they had already made a commitment and it had to be honoured. I remember difficult child 1 once did a deal with a friend who bought an unwanted brand new item from us, difficult child 1 had to cover any financial shortfall in the cost of the item. difficult child 1 was a bit of a wheeler and dealer that way. Having a desperately wanted item in the family shop took some of the pressure off. Having us buy a toy a day while on holiday was also a valuable learning tool for difficult child 3 (even though the other kids were resentful because they felt he was getting given too much). A lot of what we bought were actually family property, not just for difficult child 3. Games and puzzles, for example. And we had to be a bit more generous with the other kids too, or it would have been even more unfair. Our kids react this way because they are very immediate. Especially when younger. They also feel a desperate need to have some level of control in their environment (not in any bad, machiavellian kind of way) and the perceived chaos in their world needs to be managed by having something they can rely on. That's why routine is often so helpful. Too helpful, if they become overly reliant on it (that way lies Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)). Malika, what you describe in J's behaviour, I personally have ascribed to the autism spectrum in our family. We learned to manage it in our own ways and now we cope a lot better. The boys are still acquisitive (within their own interest areas) but have had to learn to temper it with practicality. Although I want my living room back - it currently is the repository for difficult child 3's entire arsenal of Nerf weapons! Marg [/QUOTE]
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