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Why does my son complain so often?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 445725" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I don't recommend having them practice tantrums. We had a therapist who swore it worked on even the worst kid. Fool even did it in his office with Wiz. Previously he was pretty good about shopping and actually LOVED to shop - even for groceries. The practice tantrums literally gave him permission to have a tantrum. After all, the therapist <em>told</em> him that was how he was supposed to behave when he didn't get his way. The therapist was a post graduate student at the local children's hospital and was licensed but still supervised via some program. She could have gone out and set up her own practice. I bet she wished she had the appointment after she did this with Wiz. I only learned of this method AFTER she had done it with him during the 20 min they spent with-o me in the room. I insisted that her boss be available when we came in for our appointment and asked why on God's green earth they would teach a child to have tantrums????? What were they smoking to think it was good to tell a child that it was okay to do that when he didn't get what he wanted. It sure isn't a good coping tool in the real world. Her boss was stunned that anyone would try it, esp on a child who was violent (Wiz could be quite violent). Boss was able to understand that it might work with a child without major problems, one who had no problems in school, no social problems, etc.....</p><p></p><p>I know you have some more pressure because things are so different in France regarding how kids are expected to behave, at least different than in the US. Living in a small community can also make the pressure more intense because these people likely do know you or someone that you know. There are some things I can think of that might help.</p><p></p><p>First is to remember that even though he was born about 4 years ago, his emotional/social/real age is probably about 2/3 that age. That puts his age at about 32 months. Would it be so out of line for him to act the way he did when he was almost 3? It is HARD to remember this, but it is generally a good guideline for difficult child maturity. One thing that may help in public is to tell people, "I am so sorry if he is bothering you. He has an invisible disability." if someone says something or is really staring, etc... Keeping this in your mind is a way to keep your expectations reasonable for what he is able to do. It is very frustrating and I found this was something I needed frequent reminders about.</p><p></p><p>Do they evaluate for sensory integration disorder in France? Chances are that the fair, fun as it was, was rather difficult for him on a sensory level. Overstimulation can make it ahrd to keep your cool no matter how old you are. Of course it is harder as a kid. We almost had to totally stop going to fairs and things. It was super hard because in the city we lived in when Wiz was little there was a parish festival, complete with rides, junk food, etc almost every summer weekend. I am NOT joking. What is called a county fair where I live now was much of what these parish festivals are. County fairs have the livestock and canning, quilting, art, etc... competitions that the festivals don't have. The county fairs also don't have free flowing beer, gambling, bingo etc... that make many of the festivals really really rowdy. Wiz LOVED these festivals and we just simply couldn't take him. He got so revved up he was impossible to handle for days after. The first year we were in the city my husband took him to festivals every weekend for over month. husband had never seen festivals like this. Wiz just went totally off the rails and by the fourth week there wasn't enough time between festivals for him to recover. By the time I realized that they were going to all of them (I worked on the weekends at the time), Wiz was dissolving into tears and tantrums if we even asked if he wanted cereal or eggs for breakfast. </p><p></p><p>We did eventually learn some ways to make things like this more enjoyable for all of us. We chose lower key festivals and often ones where we were less likely to run into his friends. That kept him from wanting what each of them had and demanding to get to do what they got to do. It also let him focus on what we were doing and not on showing off or bragging to kids he knew. That was his main way of trying to fit in at that time. We learned protein was essential. It seems to help keep kids (well, adults too but it is more noticeable in kids) able to cope. We insisted that for any sweet treat he had to have something with substantial amounts of protein. I also pushed for protein that wasn't full of preservatives, colors, etc... Hot dogs were lower on the list of choices and I usually packed hard boiled eggs, salami rolled around cheese, cheese sticks, etc... because making him eat something with protein as he was just starting to melt down or get to the point wehre he couldn't cope would often work to stop the melt down.</p><p></p><p>We had firm limits about what could be purchased. He had a budget for the event and it was to cover everything he chose to do and could buy what he wanted with it (by age four he was a skilled bargain hunter) as long as it wasn't something that was not age or family appropriate. There were some things that we bought, like admission/healthy food/something that we decided we wanted him to have or that Gma and Gpa had asked us to get for him. He also had to carry what he bought and nothing that was to be taken home could be purchased until he had walked around and seen all that there was to choose from. We did a walk through before we did rides, bought souvenirs, or spent money on anything but drinks (if we didn't bring drinks with us). He was actively involved in getting us ready to go to the event. If he refused to bring a drink or a snack then buying them came out of HIS budget. We were responsible for buying protein snacks and packing them, of course, but junk food was on him.</p><p></p><p>By walking around and seeing everything before making a choice, Wiz could make an informed choice. I usually had a small notepad with me and we would write down what he wanted to ride, eat and buy so he wouldn't forget and then be upset because he forgot something. It sounds like a LOT of work, but it made it possible for us to go to events and really enjoy them. We did something like Marg's family store if there were few of something he really wanted. We bought the item and held onto it until our circuit was done. Wiz had to buy it from us before he did anything. If he didn't want it and we had already bought it, he had to ask if it could be returned (actually worked a couple of times because he was so little and cute and explained why he needed to return it - would NEVER have worked if he wasn't so young - under six or seven!). We did NOT ask them to return the item - he had to take that responsibility. If they wouldn't take a return, he often would hang around and offer to sell it to someone interested in it. As with Marg's family, he had to pay for any shortfall. Little scamp often made a profit - even standing near the booth with a clear price tag with the price he paid!!! Oddly, money oriented as he was he would not allow kids younger than him to pay more he paid for it. We didn't have to tell him to do that and I have NO idea why he came up with this rule on his own. Empathy was NOT his strong suit and he was a serious bargain hunter. We would have stopped him from taking advantage of another kid but we didn't have to.</p><p></p><p>All of this worked pretty well to make it possible for us to go to renaissance festivals, county fairs, parish festivals, and other events wherever we lived.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 445725, member: 1233"] I don't recommend having them practice tantrums. We had a therapist who swore it worked on even the worst kid. Fool even did it in his office with Wiz. Previously he was pretty good about shopping and actually LOVED to shop - even for groceries. The practice tantrums literally gave him permission to have a tantrum. After all, the therapist [I]told[/I] him that was how he was supposed to behave when he didn't get his way. The therapist was a post graduate student at the local children's hospital and was licensed but still supervised via some program. She could have gone out and set up her own practice. I bet she wished she had the appointment after she did this with Wiz. I only learned of this method AFTER she had done it with him during the 20 min they spent with-o me in the room. I insisted that her boss be available when we came in for our appointment and asked why on God's green earth they would teach a child to have tantrums????? What were they smoking to think it was good to tell a child that it was okay to do that when he didn't get what he wanted. It sure isn't a good coping tool in the real world. Her boss was stunned that anyone would try it, esp on a child who was violent (Wiz could be quite violent). Boss was able to understand that it might work with a child without major problems, one who had no problems in school, no social problems, etc..... I know you have some more pressure because things are so different in France regarding how kids are expected to behave, at least different than in the US. Living in a small community can also make the pressure more intense because these people likely do know you or someone that you know. There are some things I can think of that might help. First is to remember that even though he was born about 4 years ago, his emotional/social/real age is probably about 2/3 that age. That puts his age at about 32 months. Would it be so out of line for him to act the way he did when he was almost 3? It is HARD to remember this, but it is generally a good guideline for difficult child maturity. One thing that may help in public is to tell people, "I am so sorry if he is bothering you. He has an invisible disability." if someone says something or is really staring, etc... Keeping this in your mind is a way to keep your expectations reasonable for what he is able to do. It is very frustrating and I found this was something I needed frequent reminders about. Do they evaluate for sensory integration disorder in France? Chances are that the fair, fun as it was, was rather difficult for him on a sensory level. Overstimulation can make it ahrd to keep your cool no matter how old you are. Of course it is harder as a kid. We almost had to totally stop going to fairs and things. It was super hard because in the city we lived in when Wiz was little there was a parish festival, complete with rides, junk food, etc almost every summer weekend. I am NOT joking. What is called a county fair where I live now was much of what these parish festivals are. County fairs have the livestock and canning, quilting, art, etc... competitions that the festivals don't have. The county fairs also don't have free flowing beer, gambling, bingo etc... that make many of the festivals really really rowdy. Wiz LOVED these festivals and we just simply couldn't take him. He got so revved up he was impossible to handle for days after. The first year we were in the city my husband took him to festivals every weekend for over month. husband had never seen festivals like this. Wiz just went totally off the rails and by the fourth week there wasn't enough time between festivals for him to recover. By the time I realized that they were going to all of them (I worked on the weekends at the time), Wiz was dissolving into tears and tantrums if we even asked if he wanted cereal or eggs for breakfast. We did eventually learn some ways to make things like this more enjoyable for all of us. We chose lower key festivals and often ones where we were less likely to run into his friends. That kept him from wanting what each of them had and demanding to get to do what they got to do. It also let him focus on what we were doing and not on showing off or bragging to kids he knew. That was his main way of trying to fit in at that time. We learned protein was essential. It seems to help keep kids (well, adults too but it is more noticeable in kids) able to cope. We insisted that for any sweet treat he had to have something with substantial amounts of protein. I also pushed for protein that wasn't full of preservatives, colors, etc... Hot dogs were lower on the list of choices and I usually packed hard boiled eggs, salami rolled around cheese, cheese sticks, etc... because making him eat something with protein as he was just starting to melt down or get to the point wehre he couldn't cope would often work to stop the melt down. We had firm limits about what could be purchased. He had a budget for the event and it was to cover everything he chose to do and could buy what he wanted with it (by age four he was a skilled bargain hunter) as long as it wasn't something that was not age or family appropriate. There were some things that we bought, like admission/healthy food/something that we decided we wanted him to have or that Gma and Gpa had asked us to get for him. He also had to carry what he bought and nothing that was to be taken home could be purchased until he had walked around and seen all that there was to choose from. We did a walk through before we did rides, bought souvenirs, or spent money on anything but drinks (if we didn't bring drinks with us). He was actively involved in getting us ready to go to the event. If he refused to bring a drink or a snack then buying them came out of HIS budget. We were responsible for buying protein snacks and packing them, of course, but junk food was on him. By walking around and seeing everything before making a choice, Wiz could make an informed choice. I usually had a small notepad with me and we would write down what he wanted to ride, eat and buy so he wouldn't forget and then be upset because he forgot something. It sounds like a LOT of work, but it made it possible for us to go to events and really enjoy them. We did something like Marg's family store if there were few of something he really wanted. We bought the item and held onto it until our circuit was done. Wiz had to buy it from us before he did anything. If he didn't want it and we had already bought it, he had to ask if it could be returned (actually worked a couple of times because he was so little and cute and explained why he needed to return it - would NEVER have worked if he wasn't so young - under six or seven!). We did NOT ask them to return the item - he had to take that responsibility. If they wouldn't take a return, he often would hang around and offer to sell it to someone interested in it. As with Marg's family, he had to pay for any shortfall. Little scamp often made a profit - even standing near the booth with a clear price tag with the price he paid!!! Oddly, money oriented as he was he would not allow kids younger than him to pay more he paid for it. We didn't have to tell him to do that and I have NO idea why he came up with this rule on his own. Empathy was NOT his strong suit and he was a serious bargain hunter. We would have stopped him from taking advantage of another kid but we didn't have to. All of this worked pretty well to make it possible for us to go to renaissance festivals, county fairs, parish festivals, and other events wherever we lived. [/QUOTE]
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