Lil - let me give you a bit of hope. I think 19 is too soon for them to miss us. Or appreciate us. Or be able to express their love for us. My kid aged out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC)/TLP at 18, and lived on the streets of Chicago for 2 years. The kid didn't call me once in his first 6 months "on his own", but fortunately he always found an internet connection so I was able to verify he was still alive by his my space postings. I didn't initiate contact. I waited for him.
Heartbreaking and utterly terrifying? You better believe it. In all the rough years we had with him, I think those were the absolute worst. I actually had a plan for when the coroner called us to identify his body - call husband to come home and take care of other kids, and I'd head to the city. Dark dark dark times.
I think not initiating contact is important. He knows where you are and how to get in touch with you. Maybe I was just battle weary after 14 years of trying to reach my kid, but I made the very conscious decision to *not* initiate contact because when I did, I just opened the door for him to wound me again, and again, and again. To this day, I don't know the details of those lost years in Chicago, and I've made it clear I don't want to. I have a pretty good idea, but then again, maybe I don't. BUT... when he did initiate contact, that's when we began on the road to healing, for him and for me. Years of living with my own difficult child taught me that he was only going to do things on his terms, in his time. Somewhere, I made peace with that. Just my opinion, hon, and I know not terribly comforting to you this evening.
But time will pass and I think some kids do come around. Just not on our, or any recognized, time table. They take longer to cook. But I think eventually things will get better for you and your son.
My kid is now 23-1/2. The most delightful amazing wonderful kid in the world. Still mentally ill, still a bit off, but... loving, respectful, appreciative, caring, and concerned. My greatest hope was that he would simply survive the life he chose. He's done much more than that.
A funny - he came home this weekend for my meatloaf. Now the standing joke as the kids were growing up was that they would *never* come home for "mom's cooking." Used to be when the fire alarm went off, the kids knew dinner was ready - seriously. But, my difficult child came home for my meatloaf (of all things). And he loved it, ate thirds, and thanked me. Five years ago, I would've said pigs would fly first. But... you just never know what is going to happen.
Nothing I can say will relieve your grief. You do need to take care of yourself and especially be kind to yourself. You cannot control what your difficult child will do. You can only control what you do. I think grieving is appropriate and very necessary. It's part of the whole process, unfortunately. But in the back of your mind, remember that the person he is now is most definitely not the person he will be at 23, or 30, or whenever. I firmly believe that as long as there is life, there is hope.
