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Why must she ruin every holiday? Warning...long, long, vent.
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<blockquote data-quote="hexemaus2" data-source="post: 397247" data-attributes="member: 4560"><p>Well, here it is, the day after Christmas and we all survived. </p><p> </p><p>The parents are on to their next stop in Florida to spend a few post-holiday days with friends.</p><p> </p><p>The inlaws are also in Florida with my father in law's parents, enjoying what might be their last holiday together with everyone. (His parents are both in poor health.)</p><p> </p><p>Rae is back home with sister in law...she spent the night last night so she could see Grammy and Papa. (my parents)</p><p> </p><p>We were able to have a nice, albeit very laid back Christmas, in spite of difficult child 1's antics. My parents absolutely ADORE Rae. (My Mom hasn't seen her since she was a few weeks old and my Dad's never seen her, except in pictures.) It's amazing the effect that sweet little girl has on everyone. How can you not feel joy when you have a pile of giggling blonde curly pigtails in your lap? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /> My Dad wore a bright red shirt with Elmo's face on it, so he's now "Papa Emmo." (He says what kid could be scared of him, no matter how grumpy he might be, if he has Elmo all over him? lol) That little girl is such a bright light...so happy and engaged in the world around her...it's infectious.</p><p> </p><p>As for the situation with difficult child 1...I hear everything you guys are saying and I get it. I do. Until this situation, I had not responded to anything difficult child 1 wrote on her status updates, or emailed, or commented. In fact, not even 48 hours prior to all this, she had commented on our family Christmas tree photo how much she missed me and the boys and wished she could be here to help decorate it. (Yeah, like that's going to happen.)</p><p> </p><p>The only reason I even maintained her as a friend was for exactly the things you guys pointed out. We've been printing off pictures, status updates, comment threads, etc. for the last 9 months...all to document her instability, irresponsibility, and sometimes illegal behaviors. I kept her status updates hidden, because I didn't want to see the day-to-day garbage. But when a friend or family member would message me about something they saw, I'd go look and print off whatever was beneficial for custody purposes. (We have pictures of her holding a gun to her own head, comments about her shoplifting arrest, comments about her underaged drinking and partying, etc.)</p><p> </p><p>Normally, like I said, I don't respond to anything she says or does. I don't answer the phone when she calls. I don't return emails. Nothing. But when she started attacking my 14 year old niece, I blew a gasket. When I saw how she was portraying other family members on her own page? OMG, did I go off. I'm used to the things she says about me. I don't give a rat's rear end that this month's friends think I'm the Bride of Satan. They aren't squat to me. But, I draw the line at attacking people who have nothing to do with her situation - like her father (God rest) her grandparents, my sister in law, etc. Especially when some of those people are children (my niece, my boys, etc.) She crossed a line there. And truth be told, I could have even let that slide, except she seemed determined to continue to attack my niece. I debated posting anything for quite a while, as more and more comments and nastiness poured in. Finally, I decided that 1) I wanted to set the record straight and remind her that people who knew the truth were watching and listening - and would remember the next time she called 2 weeks before her birthday, or a week before Christmas...don't expect simpathetic ears, and 2) I knew that commenting would focus her attacks on me, rather than my niece. I knew she'd never be able to resist the urge to fire back at me, thus leaving my niece alone...at least until sister in law could get home and make my niece unfriend her or block her or something so she didn't have to see what difficult child 1 said about her. (Even with all the nastiness, my niece wouldn't unfriend her because she didn't want to turn her back on a family member...not until her mother told her she had to or loose Facebook privileges all together.)</p><p> </p><p>I made my final comment on the thread, then unfriended and blocked her. I made my boys do the same, although we were surprised when difficult child 3 logged in and she had already blocked him. That was surprising, since he's always been Switzerland when it comes to difficult child 1. He has strong opinions about her behavior, but he tried to never openly judge her, but instead continue to be morally supportive. sister in law, my niece, and several other family members also blocked her. I think everyone has decided that having access to evidence for Rae's behalf is not worth the drama when we can get it other ways. (sister in law will ask for a court-ordered drug test if it ever comes to court over custody...we have plenty of evidence to warrant its necessity, including proof that difficult child 1 was living WITH RAE in a house with a former meth lab in the shed...all of those things are well documented. difficult child 1's arrest history will also help in that regard.)</p><p> </p><p>Now as for the presents under the tree...I should probably clarify that. I haven't bought difficult child 1 anything for Christmas, birthdays, etc. since Rae was born, two years ago. That first Christmas and birthday, difficult child 1 got stuff for the baby as presents. Since then, she hasn't deserved squat in that department, as far as I'm concerned. My parents feel the same way. My inlaws, on the other hand, still buy her presents every year. They won't give her money. They won't let her stay there. They won't give her a ride anywhere, or in any way "help" her...but every year they put presents under the tree for her. </p><p> </p><p>I think it's their way of holding out hope that maybe this year will be different. It's never much, and it's always more necessities than anything else, a new sweater, a cute bag, some books, or something along those lines...nothing she can sell for more than a $5 bucks at a consignment shop or something, and never anything they spend a lot of money on, given past history...but for whatever reason, my inlaws don't feel right not getting her SOMETHING...although every year her presents get packed up with the rest of the Christmas decorations. mother in law commented that maybe in a few years, when difficult child 1 eventually straightens up, the presents can come back out and get opened, and hopefully remind difficult child 1 that her family still loved her, still kept hope alive for her, through it all. I can understand that thinking. I can understand it's become their small glimmer of hope that someday things will be different. I respect their need to do it, although I think it's a waste of money and a lot like picking at an open wound, but it's their choice. They put the presents under the tree, towards the back, so they don't stand out as an obvious landmark of her absence, but we all know they're there...way back under the tree. I wish they wouldn't, but I respect their need to do it, for whatever reason. </p><p> </p><p>Whatever helps get them through the holidays, since they have such a hard time with them as it is with exDH gone. (I sometimes wonder if the two aren't somehow tied to each other...their grief over exDH when the holidays roll around and their need to keep buying stuff for difficult child 1...like letting go of one would mean letting go of the other...)</p><p> </p><p>The boys and I talked a lot about the state of family affairs over this last weekend. I had to laugh at difficult child 3 telling me he felt they (at 16 and 17) are "too old for the whole Christmas experience now." So we have, as a family, decided to change things up a little next year. A couple of weeks ago, I took us on a long weekend up to the NC mountains where we stayed in an authentic log cabin. There are a bunch of other homes on the property, all of which the caretakers rent out during the summer and during December, when weather permits. We have decided that next year, we're going to propose a multi-family vacation for the week of Christmas. Rather than my parents traveling to Charlotte and then here in a whirlwind Christmas travel fest, I'm going to book 4 of the 6 cabins on the property. </p><p> </p><p>The boys and I can stay in one, my parents in another, my sister and her clan in a third, and my inlaws in the fourth. The cabin we want to book for us is breathtaking...with floor to ceiling windows in the living room with a huge stone fireplace and a view over the mountains. We can all gather at that cabin for Christmas dinner and family activities. The trip is going to be our present to everyone for next Christmas. Someplace beautiful, a once in a lifetime Norman Rockwell-style family Christmas like my father in law has always wanted, with a white Christmas like my sister has always wanted (her birthday is Christmas Eve, by the way) and the whole family together again, like my Mom has wanted for the last few years. I'm going to try to fly easy child and her family down for Christmas next year, so they can stay with us in our cabin (it sleeps 12.) </p><p> </p><p>I think it will be the perfect way to send the boys off on their own lives the following summer while getting the whole family together before parents and grandparents get too old to travel. It also means we would have to break darn near EVERY Christmas tradition we have to do it...something I think would be good for everyone involved...something special and once in a lifetime, with none of the painful reminders and heartaches that have come to be associated with Christmas for this family. It's going to cost me an arm and a leg...but I know some of the family won't go because of the cost involved (my sister in law), and some won't want to shake out of the traditions that cause them so much pain (my father in law and mother in law) but if I pay for it, sister in law will go because money won't be an issue. The inlaws will go because I've already spent so much money and they would feel bad. My family will go simply because it means all of us together...no matter who foots the bill...and will probably argue to pay part of the cost. lol. It sounds devious and manipulative, but it's also just what this family needs to put a little cheer back in the holidays...even if they won't admit it. And I know all of them well enough to know that once we all get there...they'll all have a wonderful time. I know my inlaws and my parents will talk about it for the next 20 years...that one Christmas we all went to the mountains. It's just getting them there that will take some doing. lol. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe someday, difficult child 1 will learn to use her powers of people persuasion for good like that, instead of evil. lol. I may still have a few former difficult child tricks of my own...but at least I use mine for good. lol. ;-)</p><p> </p><p>Thank you, everyone...for your support, your suggestions, and most of all...for reminding me what this holiday is all about...for this family...it's all about making sure the children have wonderful memories of childhood Christmases and family togetherness. All it took was 30 minutes with Rae to help me bounce back...after all, it's all about her now. She may not be able to pick her own mother out of a picture, but she knows that Mama S, and Grandma, and Opa & Grandma B, and Grammy and Papa, and her uncles, and her cousins, and her great Aunts and great Uncles all love her bunches and bunches and bunches and bunches. She's a happy little girl and seems no worse the wear for all the people who do love her. Like I said, it's hard not to feel joy and enjoy the holiday when you have giggling, squeeling, delighted little blonde curly pigtails sitting in your lap, excited about lights, and presents, and Santa, and yummies, and Papas who wear Elmo shirts. </p><p> </p><p>I never in all my life, ever thought a 2 year old could be such wonderfully restorative therapy. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hexemaus2, post: 397247, member: 4560"] Well, here it is, the day after Christmas and we all survived. The parents are on to their next stop in Florida to spend a few post-holiday days with friends. The inlaws are also in Florida with my father in law's parents, enjoying what might be their last holiday together with everyone. (His parents are both in poor health.) Rae is back home with sister in law...she spent the night last night so she could see Grammy and Papa. (my parents) We were able to have a nice, albeit very laid back Christmas, in spite of difficult child 1's antics. My parents absolutely ADORE Rae. (My Mom hasn't seen her since she was a few weeks old and my Dad's never seen her, except in pictures.) It's amazing the effect that sweet little girl has on everyone. How can you not feel joy when you have a pile of giggling blonde curly pigtails in your lap? :D My Dad wore a bright red shirt with Elmo's face on it, so he's now "Papa Emmo." (He says what kid could be scared of him, no matter how grumpy he might be, if he has Elmo all over him? lol) That little girl is such a bright light...so happy and engaged in the world around her...it's infectious. As for the situation with difficult child 1...I hear everything you guys are saying and I get it. I do. Until this situation, I had not responded to anything difficult child 1 wrote on her status updates, or emailed, or commented. In fact, not even 48 hours prior to all this, she had commented on our family Christmas tree photo how much she missed me and the boys and wished she could be here to help decorate it. (Yeah, like that's going to happen.) The only reason I even maintained her as a friend was for exactly the things you guys pointed out. We've been printing off pictures, status updates, comment threads, etc. for the last 9 months...all to document her instability, irresponsibility, and sometimes illegal behaviors. I kept her status updates hidden, because I didn't want to see the day-to-day garbage. But when a friend or family member would message me about something they saw, I'd go look and print off whatever was beneficial for custody purposes. (We have pictures of her holding a gun to her own head, comments about her shoplifting arrest, comments about her underaged drinking and partying, etc.) Normally, like I said, I don't respond to anything she says or does. I don't answer the phone when she calls. I don't return emails. Nothing. But when she started attacking my 14 year old niece, I blew a gasket. When I saw how she was portraying other family members on her own page? OMG, did I go off. I'm used to the things she says about me. I don't give a rat's rear end that this month's friends think I'm the Bride of Satan. They aren't squat to me. But, I draw the line at attacking people who have nothing to do with her situation - like her father (God rest) her grandparents, my sister in law, etc. Especially when some of those people are children (my niece, my boys, etc.) She crossed a line there. And truth be told, I could have even let that slide, except she seemed determined to continue to attack my niece. I debated posting anything for quite a while, as more and more comments and nastiness poured in. Finally, I decided that 1) I wanted to set the record straight and remind her that people who knew the truth were watching and listening - and would remember the next time she called 2 weeks before her birthday, or a week before Christmas...don't expect simpathetic ears, and 2) I knew that commenting would focus her attacks on me, rather than my niece. I knew she'd never be able to resist the urge to fire back at me, thus leaving my niece alone...at least until sister in law could get home and make my niece unfriend her or block her or something so she didn't have to see what difficult child 1 said about her. (Even with all the nastiness, my niece wouldn't unfriend her because she didn't want to turn her back on a family member...not until her mother told her she had to or loose Facebook privileges all together.) I made my final comment on the thread, then unfriended and blocked her. I made my boys do the same, although we were surprised when difficult child 3 logged in and she had already blocked him. That was surprising, since he's always been Switzerland when it comes to difficult child 1. He has strong opinions about her behavior, but he tried to never openly judge her, but instead continue to be morally supportive. sister in law, my niece, and several other family members also blocked her. I think everyone has decided that having access to evidence for Rae's behalf is not worth the drama when we can get it other ways. (sister in law will ask for a court-ordered drug test if it ever comes to court over custody...we have plenty of evidence to warrant its necessity, including proof that difficult child 1 was living WITH RAE in a house with a former meth lab in the shed...all of those things are well documented. difficult child 1's arrest history will also help in that regard.) Now as for the presents under the tree...I should probably clarify that. I haven't bought difficult child 1 anything for Christmas, birthdays, etc. since Rae was born, two years ago. That first Christmas and birthday, difficult child 1 got stuff for the baby as presents. Since then, she hasn't deserved squat in that department, as far as I'm concerned. My parents feel the same way. My inlaws, on the other hand, still buy her presents every year. They won't give her money. They won't let her stay there. They won't give her a ride anywhere, or in any way "help" her...but every year they put presents under the tree for her. I think it's their way of holding out hope that maybe this year will be different. It's never much, and it's always more necessities than anything else, a new sweater, a cute bag, some books, or something along those lines...nothing she can sell for more than a $5 bucks at a consignment shop or something, and never anything they spend a lot of money on, given past history...but for whatever reason, my inlaws don't feel right not getting her SOMETHING...although every year her presents get packed up with the rest of the Christmas decorations. mother in law commented that maybe in a few years, when difficult child 1 eventually straightens up, the presents can come back out and get opened, and hopefully remind difficult child 1 that her family still loved her, still kept hope alive for her, through it all. I can understand that thinking. I can understand it's become their small glimmer of hope that someday things will be different. I respect their need to do it, although I think it's a waste of money and a lot like picking at an open wound, but it's their choice. They put the presents under the tree, towards the back, so they don't stand out as an obvious landmark of her absence, but we all know they're there...way back under the tree. I wish they wouldn't, but I respect their need to do it, for whatever reason. Whatever helps get them through the holidays, since they have such a hard time with them as it is with exDH gone. (I sometimes wonder if the two aren't somehow tied to each other...their grief over exDH when the holidays roll around and their need to keep buying stuff for difficult child 1...like letting go of one would mean letting go of the other...) The boys and I talked a lot about the state of family affairs over this last weekend. I had to laugh at difficult child 3 telling me he felt they (at 16 and 17) are "too old for the whole Christmas experience now." So we have, as a family, decided to change things up a little next year. A couple of weeks ago, I took us on a long weekend up to the NC mountains where we stayed in an authentic log cabin. There are a bunch of other homes on the property, all of which the caretakers rent out during the summer and during December, when weather permits. We have decided that next year, we're going to propose a multi-family vacation for the week of Christmas. Rather than my parents traveling to Charlotte and then here in a whirlwind Christmas travel fest, I'm going to book 4 of the 6 cabins on the property. The boys and I can stay in one, my parents in another, my sister and her clan in a third, and my inlaws in the fourth. The cabin we want to book for us is breathtaking...with floor to ceiling windows in the living room with a huge stone fireplace and a view over the mountains. We can all gather at that cabin for Christmas dinner and family activities. The trip is going to be our present to everyone for next Christmas. Someplace beautiful, a once in a lifetime Norman Rockwell-style family Christmas like my father in law has always wanted, with a white Christmas like my sister has always wanted (her birthday is Christmas Eve, by the way) and the whole family together again, like my Mom has wanted for the last few years. I'm going to try to fly easy child and her family down for Christmas next year, so they can stay with us in our cabin (it sleeps 12.) I think it will be the perfect way to send the boys off on their own lives the following summer while getting the whole family together before parents and grandparents get too old to travel. It also means we would have to break darn near EVERY Christmas tradition we have to do it...something I think would be good for everyone involved...something special and once in a lifetime, with none of the painful reminders and heartaches that have come to be associated with Christmas for this family. It's going to cost me an arm and a leg...but I know some of the family won't go because of the cost involved (my sister in law), and some won't want to shake out of the traditions that cause them so much pain (my father in law and mother in law) but if I pay for it, sister in law will go because money won't be an issue. The inlaws will go because I've already spent so much money and they would feel bad. My family will go simply because it means all of us together...no matter who foots the bill...and will probably argue to pay part of the cost. lol. It sounds devious and manipulative, but it's also just what this family needs to put a little cheer back in the holidays...even if they won't admit it. And I know all of them well enough to know that once we all get there...they'll all have a wonderful time. I know my inlaws and my parents will talk about it for the next 20 years...that one Christmas we all went to the mountains. It's just getting them there that will take some doing. lol. Maybe someday, difficult child 1 will learn to use her powers of people persuasion for good like that, instead of evil. lol. I may still have a few former difficult child tricks of my own...but at least I use mine for good. lol. ;-) Thank you, everyone...for your support, your suggestions, and most of all...for reminding me what this holiday is all about...for this family...it's all about making sure the children have wonderful memories of childhood Christmases and family togetherness. All it took was 30 minutes with Rae to help me bounce back...after all, it's all about her now. She may not be able to pick her own mother out of a picture, but she knows that Mama S, and Grandma, and Opa & Grandma B, and Grammy and Papa, and her uncles, and her cousins, and her great Aunts and great Uncles all love her bunches and bunches and bunches and bunches. She's a happy little girl and seems no worse the wear for all the people who do love her. Like I said, it's hard not to feel joy and enjoy the holiday when you have giggling, squeeling, delighted little blonde curly pigtails sitting in your lap, excited about lights, and presents, and Santa, and yummies, and Papas who wear Elmo shirts. I never in all my life, ever thought a 2 year old could be such wonderfully restorative therapy. :D [/QUOTE]
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