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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 29052" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p>Jen - I'll start by saying been there done that.</p><p></p><p>When our difficult child surprised us and came clean last year, we spent a lot of time wondering what we did wrong. How we screwed up. I still spend more time than I should worring about that. Personally, I think that if you're human and normal, then it's natural to to look back and and ask "why"? If you're a parent and you're normal, it's natural to feel responsible for the ultimate outcome of your children's lives.</p><p></p><p>I can find a million reasons of my own making for my two difficult child's problems. My dear, dear wife spent endless months asking that question - "what did I do wrong?". And we don't have an answer, probably because there isn't one. The feeling of failure can break your heart and your spirit, especially if you're still in the middle of that sad play and have to watch it through, not knowing the outcome.</p><p></p><p>But as others have reminded me here, at some point you can only provide guidance, and only if its wanted. I'm still new to this whole thing (my easy child son morphed into a difficult child overnight for us), but I'm learning quickly that I can only control how I react. For me, that means good therapy, good medications, improving the bond with my lovely wife, and trying to keep the lines open with difficult child. He'll either respond or he won't, but I can't control that. All I can do is love, keep the doors open, and try to find some way to get through the day with my sanity.</p><p></p><p>Are there things in your life that you can look on with pride? Are there reminders that you can show yourself that not all is bad, that some good remains? I had an episode of depression in college where I continually had my heart broken by a succession of girls. Felt like a fool, felt like a failure, felt like dying. But then I started reading the letters from my friends back home, friends who cared for me and saw the good in me that I didn't see in myself. I eventually thumbtacked those letters to the corkboard in front of my desk at the dorm, so every time I sat down to study I saw reminders that not all was lost.</p><p></p><p>I also learned that my moods were affected by the time of day (nightime was worst), and where I was (alone in the dorm was really bad). I coped by not being alone whenever possible, visiting friends or studying in the library, anything to keep me away from those situations that deepened my sense of dispair. Coping skills. </p><p></p><p>Do you have anything like that in your life? I bet if you looked you could find lots of evidence of success, goodness, and love. Also my dad was an ER doctor, and I know that docs and nurses are trained to compartmentalize their feelings - otherwise they couldn't deal with many of the situations they end up in. That's good and bad. Don't do to yourself what you have to do for other people at work. It's like an overpressurized bottle, and will eventually come out and cause damage (I watched my Dad break down and go to the hospital for two weeks for just that reason).</p><p></p><p>My humble suggestion is to find ways of reminding yourself that the road hasn't been all bad, and see if you can avoid or mitigate situations that cause or enhance the bad feelings.</p><p></p><p>As my pastor says, "Hope always remains, even unto death and beyond. You have but to look for it."</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 29052, member: 3579"] Jen - I'll start by saying been there done that. When our difficult child surprised us and came clean last year, we spent a lot of time wondering what we did wrong. How we screwed up. I still spend more time than I should worring about that. Personally, I think that if you're human and normal, then it's natural to to look back and and ask "why"? If you're a parent and you're normal, it's natural to feel responsible for the ultimate outcome of your children's lives. I can find a million reasons of my own making for my two difficult child's problems. My dear, dear wife spent endless months asking that question - "what did I do wrong?". And we don't have an answer, probably because there isn't one. The feeling of failure can break your heart and your spirit, especially if you're still in the middle of that sad play and have to watch it through, not knowing the outcome. But as others have reminded me here, at some point you can only provide guidance, and only if its wanted. I'm still new to this whole thing (my easy child son morphed into a difficult child overnight for us), but I'm learning quickly that I can only control how I react. For me, that means good therapy, good medications, improving the bond with my lovely wife, and trying to keep the lines open with difficult child. He'll either respond or he won't, but I can't control that. All I can do is love, keep the doors open, and try to find some way to get through the day with my sanity. Are there things in your life that you can look on with pride? Are there reminders that you can show yourself that not all is bad, that some good remains? I had an episode of depression in college where I continually had my heart broken by a succession of girls. Felt like a fool, felt like a failure, felt like dying. But then I started reading the letters from my friends back home, friends who cared for me and saw the good in me that I didn't see in myself. I eventually thumbtacked those letters to the corkboard in front of my desk at the dorm, so every time I sat down to study I saw reminders that not all was lost. I also learned that my moods were affected by the time of day (nightime was worst), and where I was (alone in the dorm was really bad). I coped by not being alone whenever possible, visiting friends or studying in the library, anything to keep me away from those situations that deepened my sense of dispair. Coping skills. Do you have anything like that in your life? I bet if you looked you could find lots of evidence of success, goodness, and love. Also my dad was an ER doctor, and I know that docs and nurses are trained to compartmentalize their feelings - otherwise they couldn't deal with many of the situations they end up in. That's good and bad. Don't do to yourself what you have to do for other people at work. It's like an overpressurized bottle, and will eventually come out and cause damage (I watched my Dad break down and go to the hospital for two weeks for just that reason). My humble suggestion is to find ways of reminding yourself that the road hasn't been all bad, and see if you can avoid or mitigate situations that cause or enhance the bad feelings. As my pastor says, "Hope always remains, even unto death and beyond. You have but to look for it." Mikey [/QUOTE]
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