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Work and Germany: Abandonment
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 674665" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>New Leaf, your sister may have a lot of attributes that are difficult.</p><p></p><p>For example, my M. He is very intense, direct, strong and honest. He says just exactly what he feels. When I think he is mad at me these qualities render me absolutely terrified. Not that he will hurt me, but because I desert myself.</p><p></p><p>But all of the other times, these very fearsome qualities are those that drew me to him and keep me with him.</p><p></p><p>It is often not simple to know if the feelings invoked are in you, in us, or something they have intended to invoke in you. On purpose. It could be that your sister is confused, absolutely does not know that are reacting this way and has not intended it. Of course, she could have intended every bit of it. But it could easily be that the feelings are in you. In any event. The only way the situation can change is to own them. Because we cannot control anything about anybody else. Just us.</p><p>Again, this is an assumption that your feeling about her...is a true thing. That she does indeed feel repulsed.</p><p></p><p>You may be construing it. Of course, she may feel repulsed. It may be true. But the feeling is in you. It is yours.</p><p>It could be.</p><p></p><p>But you are both adults now. It goes both ways. Your interactions too, as an adult, have effects on her. Both of you are adults now. Each with an inner child. There is the potential for reciprocity. But not if one adult is the victim and the other the perpetrator.</p><p>We are all different in our decisions about staying and leaving and why.</p><p>I hate it when people tell me how I should feel and what I should have done. This is a feeling of power over. Of knowing better. Shoulds.</p><p></p><p>I had an aunt like this that used to tell me how lucky I was to have my stepfather. Who beat me and despised me. He was a sadist. She said other men would have thrown me out. Great.</p><p></p><p>She would try to tell me what to do and how to think. I just withdrew from her.</p><p></p><p>I do not think like this.</p><p></p><p>We are in our circumstances. If we stay in them, we have chosen them. If we stay because we have a higher value, say of commitment or constancy or responsibility, we are not a victim. We have chosen.</p><p>I do. I have no control over anybody else. But I decide how I respond. To me, that is everything.</p><p> If this is so, that she believes this about you, and about life itself, I can see how it has closed down communication. Because this is a powerful feeling to have...that somebody blames me for my misfortune and feels I caused the misfortune of my child. That I brought it about.</p><p></p><p>I have some shame when I learn or fear that my son has presented himself to my nieces (and therefore my sister) as a victim, a rejected rescue horse and presents himself to be rejected by them.</p><p></p><p>I admit, I do feel shame and vulnerability. Because I believe that my sister seizes upon everything she can to cast me as lesser than she.</p><p></p><p>As I write this I realize that by thinking this way, I give her power, and I cede my own integrity and value. I can change this. I will.</p><p>She sounds like a very effective and powerful woman. It is exactly these traits that seem to empower Donald Trump, and others like him.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, what you write of her makes her sound as if she has a great deal of vulnerability as well. Her sensitivity to the wounded and neglected horses, only one thing.</p><p>That has happened to me in work situations.</p><p></p><p>The reality is that there are aggressive people. Like horses. What does it really mean about us? Why do we take it personally?</p><p></p><p>M for many years was very powerful in his church. He is a Catholic. I mean, throughout Mexico, Central and South America. He gave motivational speeches to thousands of people. I think it had to do with family life.</p><p></p><p>Somebody came up after him and wanted his power. He got knocked out of his position or ceded it, I do not remember which. It bothered him, pained him for a long time.</p><p></p><p>Now? I never hear him talk about it. I think he could care less. I see him as more and more building his value in himself. What he has lost, seems to matter not at all. Except for his children. And now he calls every night, one daughter. Most of the time she does not answer. But sometimes, she does. In this way he reclaims his children. His dedication to that. I respect that.</p><p>I think this is true. I once volunteered in an organization that helped Central Americans get amnesty. This was maybe in 1990 when the wars were going on in Central America. The woman who ran it seemed to have the greatest empathy for the refugees.</p><p></p><p>When I came to know her I saw she was a bully and a control freak. She was mean.</p><p></p><p>The whole thing was a reaction formation. She did her "good work" to counteract the reality that she was a bully.</p><p>How are the two different, Insane?</p><p></p><p>When we hold others as valuable we build our own value.</p><p></p><p>And conversely, if we hold ourselves as valuable, to the extent we do so, we can build value in another or hold them as valuable.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 674665, member: 18958"] New Leaf, your sister may have a lot of attributes that are difficult. For example, my M. He is very intense, direct, strong and honest. He says just exactly what he feels. When I think he is mad at me these qualities render me absolutely terrified. Not that he will hurt me, but because I desert myself. But all of the other times, these very fearsome qualities are those that drew me to him and keep me with him. It is often not simple to know if the feelings invoked are in you, in us, or something they have intended to invoke in you. On purpose. It could be that your sister is confused, absolutely does not know that are reacting this way and has not intended it. Of course, she could have intended every bit of it. But it could easily be that the feelings are in you. In any event. The only way the situation can change is to own them. Because we cannot control anything about anybody else. Just us. Again, this is an assumption that your feeling about her...is a true thing. That she does indeed feel repulsed. You may be construing it. Of course, she may feel repulsed. It may be true. But the feeling is in you. It is yours. It could be. But you are both adults now. It goes both ways. Your interactions too, as an adult, have effects on her. Both of you are adults now. Each with an inner child. There is the potential for reciprocity. But not if one adult is the victim and the other the perpetrator. We are all different in our decisions about staying and leaving and why. I hate it when people tell me how I should feel and what I should have done. This is a feeling of power over. Of knowing better. Shoulds. I had an aunt like this that used to tell me how lucky I was to have my stepfather. Who beat me and despised me. He was a sadist. She said other men would have thrown me out. Great. She would try to tell me what to do and how to think. I just withdrew from her. I do not think like this. We are in our circumstances. If we stay in them, we have chosen them. If we stay because we have a higher value, say of commitment or constancy or responsibility, we are not a victim. We have chosen. I do. I have no control over anybody else. But I decide how I respond. To me, that is everything. If this is so, that she believes this about you, and about life itself, I can see how it has closed down communication. Because this is a powerful feeling to have...that somebody blames me for my misfortune and feels I caused the misfortune of my child. That I brought it about. I have some shame when I learn or fear that my son has presented himself to my nieces (and therefore my sister) as a victim, a rejected rescue horse and presents himself to be rejected by them. I admit, I do feel shame and vulnerability. Because I believe that my sister seizes upon everything she can to cast me as lesser than she. As I write this I realize that by thinking this way, I give her power, and I cede my own integrity and value. I can change this. I will. She sounds like a very effective and powerful woman. It is exactly these traits that seem to empower Donald Trump, and others like him. On the other hand, what you write of her makes her sound as if she has a great deal of vulnerability as well. Her sensitivity to the wounded and neglected horses, only one thing. That has happened to me in work situations. The reality is that there are aggressive people. Like horses. What does it really mean about us? Why do we take it personally? M for many years was very powerful in his church. He is a Catholic. I mean, throughout Mexico, Central and South America. He gave motivational speeches to thousands of people. I think it had to do with family life. Somebody came up after him and wanted his power. He got knocked out of his position or ceded it, I do not remember which. It bothered him, pained him for a long time. Now? I never hear him talk about it. I think he could care less. I see him as more and more building his value in himself. What he has lost, seems to matter not at all. Except for his children. And now he calls every night, one daughter. Most of the time she does not answer. But sometimes, she does. In this way he reclaims his children. His dedication to that. I respect that. I think this is true. I once volunteered in an organization that helped Central Americans get amnesty. This was maybe in 1990 when the wars were going on in Central America. The woman who ran it seemed to have the greatest empathy for the refugees. When I came to know her I saw she was a bully and a control freak. She was mean. The whole thing was a reaction formation. She did her "good work" to counteract the reality that she was a bully. How are the two different, Insane? When we hold others as valuable we build our own value. And conversely, if we hold ourselves as valuable, to the extent we do so, we can build value in another or hold them as valuable. COPA [/QUOTE]
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