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Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671401" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>As I come through whatever this part is, I am feeling very horribly unattractive. It is not a rational feeling. It is an overwhelming certainty of worthlessness; the feeling of ugly is connected directly to some overwhelming something that is very toxic. It has to do with abandonment, I think. That is the invisible feeling state beneath shame. It is impossible to function beneath it. The feelings are very intense. </p><p></p><p>I am encouraging the feelings.</p><p></p><p>They are truly overwhelming. It seems I have no words for the core of it, but only for the experiences after the core had been formed. The words coming up are very ugly; are terminally shaming. There is no alternative, I mean. It all feels true.</p><p></p><p>I read something that turned out to be a site that wanted money, so I did not link to it, here.</p><p></p><p>This is how they described that feeling beneath the shame we were discussing earlier:</p><p></p><p>The original woundedness revolves around abandonment. As Copa noted, before we had words, we lived in worlds of experienced feeling, in worlds of emotion without definition.</p><p></p><p>Copa's was an excellent point.</p><p></p><p>That is probably why this part feels so real, but is absolutely without words or imagery until I apply them from the echoes of a time that came after, echoes from hurts in a time I had words. It would be like soundness, wordless, post-truamatic stress feeling.</p><p></p><p>The wash of feeling is truly is overwhelming. But I do have words, now. I do know I will come out the other side, now. It's been getting steadily stronger, the hits more intense and sudden, keyed by small things.</p><p></p><p><em>So I wrote this yesterday. I expected three or four days like this. This morning, already, I am better. I am thinking differently, am more in place.</em></p><p></p><p><em>If and when this happens for you, don't be afraid of it. Work, that work attitude, was the correct answer. If I think back on it, this feeling has been coming on stronger and stronger since the imagery of the beautiful whore, loving every inch of her flesh and bathing in the sun.</em></p><p></p><p><em>It was the funniest thing. The first thing I did this morning was check the mirror to see whether I was still ugly.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I'm not.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>But it was that intense.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Overwhelming feelings comprised of ugly (I don't mean unattractive. I mean ugly.) and of contempt and darkness. Work and that attitude we discussed earlier, that was the answer. That was how to stay present to the feelings without being frozen in place and time.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I read this material, and began to post it for you, yesterday.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Then, I felt it was too stupid, felt I was too stupid, and did not post. Then, I came back to it. I still didn't post it. Even that wish to be honest, to keep myself honest for the sake of my healing, could not override those feelings of stupid, of foolish and ridiculous and obscene.</em></p><p></p><p><em>If this happens to you in the course of your healing, know you will come through it. It will feel like the beautiful whore, bathing in the sun. Hot, sunstroke hot. Cheap, garish, ugly with true things. The whore washes her feet in the envisionment.</em></p><p></p><p><em>That is work.</em></p><p></p><p><em>That is the attitude that will bring you through it.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Loving, attentive; centered.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>This morning, I am better.</em></p><p></p><p>***</p><p>This is what I learned about this state as I was going through it yesterday. There will be so much more, I know that.</p><p></p><p>But this is yesterday, and was actually written for you and for us, yesterday:</p><p></p><p>So, abandonment. It is not that someone leaves you or ignores you. </p><p></p><p>Abandonment is when you are judged and found wanting and hurt and left alone in disgusted anger. Or, as Leafy described, alone and in pain and without words to define your situation to yourself. I keep sliding out of concentrating on the feelings I must incorporate to heal and into what I might have done to my children. To the failure in it; to the how could it have been any way but this. So many bad, bad words to describe myself; so many times I was stupid. Unwanted. Not honored.</p><p></p><p>And the cycle begins, again.</p><p></p><p>So, that is the feeling tone of abandonment. The words coming, the feelings attending the words ~ okay. So, the feelings are coming first. The words, going back as far as I need to until one hits and sticks and I go down, come after the feelings. Labeling, describing, assessing, addressing, intellectualizing, the rush of feeling, like some fetid thing. So, we have a myth for this task: The Augean Stables myth. And it couldn't be done, but it was done. The course of a river was changed, and the stables were cleaned.</p><p></p><p>So we know it can be accomplished.</p><p></p><p>All we need to do is change the course of a river.</p><p></p><p>This is the beginning.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Abandonment: An Emotional wound and therefore, wordless. If and as this time comes for you, there is nothing to be done. This is what healing feels like. Just listen: When chopping onions, just chop onions. Abandonment is shunning, but worse. Abandonment is no one in the mirror because you are beneath vision. If you have been ridiculed and then, shunned by your family of origin as an adult, imagine what that was for a child who lived in it, who went to school and to bed and out to play with the other kids from that shocked and hurtful, echoing emotional place.</p><p></p><p>Empty.</p><p></p><p>Like in Carol King's Tapestry, when his hands came up, empty.</p><p></p><p>Like that.</p><p></p><p>Those of us coping with abandonment issues compounded by physical, verbal, or emotional abuse competed, went to school and learned whatever he or she was able to learn and retain, given the situation at home. We came into adolescence from that defended place.</p><p></p><p>From empty.</p><p></p><p>Abandonment operates out of a system of prejudice; it is living in a kind of racism, but worse, because you have no other people who look like you, no one who is like you. There is no safe place, no relaxation, ever.</p><p></p><p>Shame: According to the site I explored (Okay you guys. I am going to post the link. I found it valuable even so, but they want money before they let you participate, and they do not have an open forum set up like ours and so on. The description of the wounding and of the healing ring very true for me. I found it helpful. Here it is for you. Remember, at the end, they want money and to sell books.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment-issues.html" target="_blank">http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment-issues.html</a></p><p></p><p>Back to shame. So, in addition to abandonment issues, which are nothing so pretty as abandonment would seem and are actually horrifyingly wicked and evil and wrong, the ultimate punishment being not beating, but ridicule and condemnation and isolation and shunning. Shame has its inception in the gilt the child feels because of the way he or she is thinking about the parent. He or she comes to believe that is why this is happening. Hypervigilence begins here; harboring guilty knowledge and self deception begin here; post traumatic stress response, keyed in a thousand ways, begins here.</p><p></p><p>Add ongoing physical, verbal, or emotional abuse to that. </p><p></p><p>Add fear; add shame at your family of origin. Not only are we shamed, but we are ashamed of the brokenness in them.</p><p></p><p>In this presentation, shame is described as an infection in the wound that is abandonment. Each of us has abandonment issues to a degree. Abused or mistreated children (or adults, if we should find ourselves in abusive relationship of any kind) has abandonment issues. Shame is an infection seeded there.</p><p></p><p>Limiting beliefs arise, in shame.</p><p></p><p>Think of that.</p><p></p><p>Apply it to your life.</p><p></p><p>That is why you believe you cannot.</p><p></p><p>But you can.</p><p></p><p>The fearsome thing is knowing you have been accused and judged and fond wanting, have been determined less than somehow, and have been condemned and are being, or that you have been punished.</p><p></p><p>The abuser meant it.</p><p></p><p>She meant to do what she did. (Or, what he did.) I think the difference today is that I see the abuser being wrong.</p><p></p><p>That is the scab of self contempt which covers shame, which covers abandonment.</p><p></p><p>Abandonment.</p><p></p><p>Shame.</p><p></p><p>Contempt.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Very worth it to have gone through this. As long as I have been posting about the beautiful whore, that is how long this has been simmering. </p><p></p><p>Again, work was the answer. Work, and integrity beginning from now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671401, member: 17461"] As I come through whatever this part is, I am feeling very horribly unattractive. It is not a rational feeling. It is an overwhelming certainty of worthlessness; the feeling of ugly is connected directly to some overwhelming something that is very toxic. It has to do with abandonment, I think. That is the invisible feeling state beneath shame. It is impossible to function beneath it. The feelings are very intense. I am encouraging the feelings. They are truly overwhelming. It seems I have no words for the core of it, but only for the experiences after the core had been formed. The words coming up are very ugly; are terminally shaming. There is no alternative, I mean. It all feels true. I read something that turned out to be a site that wanted money, so I did not link to it, here. This is how they described that feeling beneath the shame we were discussing earlier: The original woundedness revolves around abandonment. As Copa noted, before we had words, we lived in worlds of experienced feeling, in worlds of emotion without definition. Copa's was an excellent point. That is probably why this part feels so real, but is absolutely without words or imagery until I apply them from the echoes of a time that came after, echoes from hurts in a time I had words. It would be like soundness, wordless, post-truamatic stress feeling. The wash of feeling is truly is overwhelming. But I do have words, now. I do know I will come out the other side, now. It's been getting steadily stronger, the hits more intense and sudden, keyed by small things. [I]So I wrote this yesterday. I expected three or four days like this. This morning, already, I am better. I am thinking differently, am more in place.[/I] [I]If and when this happens for you, don't be afraid of it. Work, that work attitude, was the correct answer. If I think back on it, this feeling has been coming on stronger and stronger since the imagery of the beautiful whore, loving every inch of her flesh and bathing in the sun.[/I] [I]It was the funniest thing. The first thing I did this morning was check the mirror to see whether I was still ugly. I'm not. But it was that intense. Overwhelming feelings comprised of ugly (I don't mean unattractive. I mean ugly.) and of contempt and darkness. Work and that attitude we discussed earlier, that was the answer. That was how to stay present to the feelings without being frozen in place and time. I read this material, and began to post it for you, yesterday. Then, I felt it was too stupid, felt I was too stupid, and did not post. Then, I came back to it. I still didn't post it. Even that wish to be honest, to keep myself honest for the sake of my healing, could not override those feelings of stupid, of foolish and ridiculous and obscene.[/I] [I]If this happens to you in the course of your healing, know you will come through it. It will feel like the beautiful whore, bathing in the sun. Hot, sunstroke hot. Cheap, garish, ugly with true things. The whore washes her feet in the envisionment.[/I] [I]That is work.[/I] [I]That is the attitude that will bring you through it.[/I] [I]Loving, attentive; centered. This morning, I am better.[/I] *** This is what I learned about this state as I was going through it yesterday. There will be so much more, I know that. But this is yesterday, and was actually written for you and for us, yesterday: So, abandonment. It is not that someone leaves you or ignores you. Abandonment is when you are judged and found wanting and hurt and left alone in disgusted anger. Or, as Leafy described, alone and in pain and without words to define your situation to yourself. I keep sliding out of concentrating on the feelings I must incorporate to heal and into what I might have done to my children. To the failure in it; to the how could it have been any way but this. So many bad, bad words to describe myself; so many times I was stupid. Unwanted. Not honored. And the cycle begins, again. So, that is the feeling tone of abandonment. The words coming, the feelings attending the words ~ okay. So, the feelings are coming first. The words, going back as far as I need to until one hits and sticks and I go down, come after the feelings. Labeling, describing, assessing, addressing, intellectualizing, the rush of feeling, like some fetid thing. So, we have a myth for this task: The Augean Stables myth. And it couldn't be done, but it was done. The course of a river was changed, and the stables were cleaned. So we know it can be accomplished. All we need to do is change the course of a river. This is the beginning. *** Abandonment: An Emotional wound and therefore, wordless. If and as this time comes for you, there is nothing to be done. This is what healing feels like. Just listen: When chopping onions, just chop onions. Abandonment is shunning, but worse. Abandonment is no one in the mirror because you are beneath vision. If you have been ridiculed and then, shunned by your family of origin as an adult, imagine what that was for a child who lived in it, who went to school and to bed and out to play with the other kids from that shocked and hurtful, echoing emotional place. Empty. Like in Carol King's Tapestry, when his hands came up, empty. Like that. Those of us coping with abandonment issues compounded by physical, verbal, or emotional abuse competed, went to school and learned whatever he or she was able to learn and retain, given the situation at home. We came into adolescence from that defended place. From empty. Abandonment operates out of a system of prejudice; it is living in a kind of racism, but worse, because you have no other people who look like you, no one who is like you. There is no safe place, no relaxation, ever. Shame: According to the site I explored (Okay you guys. I am going to post the link. I found it valuable even so, but they want money before they let you participate, and they do not have an open forum set up like ours and so on. The description of the wounding and of the healing ring very true for me. I found it helpful. Here it is for you. Remember, at the end, they want money and to sell books. [URL]http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment-issues.html[/URL] Back to shame. So, in addition to abandonment issues, which are nothing so pretty as abandonment would seem and are actually horrifyingly wicked and evil and wrong, the ultimate punishment being not beating, but ridicule and condemnation and isolation and shunning. Shame has its inception in the gilt the child feels because of the way he or she is thinking about the parent. He or she comes to believe that is why this is happening. Hypervigilence begins here; harboring guilty knowledge and self deception begin here; post traumatic stress response, keyed in a thousand ways, begins here. Add ongoing physical, verbal, or emotional abuse to that. Add fear; add shame at your family of origin. Not only are we shamed, but we are ashamed of the brokenness in them. In this presentation, shame is described as an infection in the wound that is abandonment. Each of us has abandonment issues to a degree. Abused or mistreated children (or adults, if we should find ourselves in abusive relationship of any kind) has abandonment issues. Shame is an infection seeded there. Limiting beliefs arise, in shame. Think of that. Apply it to your life. That is why you believe you cannot. But you can. The fearsome thing is knowing you have been accused and judged and fond wanting, have been determined less than somehow, and have been condemned and are being, or that you have been punished. The abuser meant it. She meant to do what she did. (Or, what he did.) I think the difference today is that I see the abuser being wrong. That is the scab of self contempt which covers shame, which covers abandonment. Abandonment. Shame. Contempt. Cedar Very worth it to have gone through this. As long as I have been posting about the beautiful whore, that is how long this has been simmering. Again, work was the answer. Work, and integrity beginning from now. [/QUOTE]
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