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Family of Origin
Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 673005" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Do you see the similarity to home, Copa? That is what Family of Origin felt like for you: "<em>I did my work in a hostile land. Always vulnerable to denunciation. And largely hidden."</em></p><p></p><p>Pseudo-mom.</p><p></p><p>For me, this too is true: <em>And largely hated.</em></p><p></p><p>I am not dramatizing or exaggerating. This is what I see, beneath the wormy rottenness that passed for Family of Origin. They hate me now enough to shun me. To <em>shun</em> me.</p><p></p><p>That is a weapon used by religious fanatics and etc.</p><p></p><p>That is not what you do to a daughter, to a sister or niece or aunt.</p><p></p><p>To a sister, Copa.</p><p></p><p>"<em>I did my work in a hostile land. Always vulnerable to denunciation. And largely hidden."</em></p><p></p><p>Time is up, for them.</p><p></p><p>It was up any time we said.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When chopping onions....</p><p></p><p>It has to do with that, but I don't know the end because I am not there, yet.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, wow, Copa. Want to explore it?</p><p></p><p>That is genius. Ten thousand ways to be, quickly and efficiently explored and discarded. I don't believe you are self destructing in your shopping or your defiant insistence on taking this time to heal and going so stubbornly to bed to do it.</p><p></p><p>I love it.</p><p></p><p>Could you be trying on who Copa will be? Think of everything you have learned through your explorations. Think of the emotional attachment that makes it a compulsion ~ the loving or hating of self, and the comparison to Mother.</p><p></p><p>Copa, that is a sterling insight.</p><p></p><p>When I feel most ill, most blind about what is happening? I learn later that I was in fact healing old, and very deep, wounds.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Pseudo-mom.</p><p></p><p>We are pseudo mom, hated by both for the shine on us <em>and for our capacity to shine onto them.</em></p><p></p><p><em>That is what they hate us for.</em></p><p></p><p><em>That is what they work to destroy.</em></p><p></p><p>Am I stuck in italics, again? No. </p><p></p><p>Good.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is what happened, to me.</p><p></p><p>Killing rage. Twisted around and focused onto myself because to kill, to wish dead, to be that angry, even in my thinking, is to destroy the essential me. Whether I would live on or die physically would not matter. What mattered about me would have been compromised and sullied.</p><p></p><p>So, I focused it onto myself.</p><p></p><p>That is the fear of vengeance thing I am always posting about. The mechanism of it is to become aware of where that hatred and rage are, and where they are being focused.</p><p></p><p>Real or not, very real indeed, to me. It matters very much, how we think.</p><p></p><p>That is how we define ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Another layer, another prison wall, Copa.</p><p></p><p>You are coming through beautifully.</p><p></p><p>See the stars?</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Anger, angry, seething with it, is where the energy is come from to burst through. You are strong enough.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Welcome yourself into the world, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 673005, member: 17461"] Do you see the similarity to home, Copa? That is what Family of Origin felt like for you: "[I]I did my work in a hostile land. Always vulnerable to denunciation. And largely hidden."[/I] Pseudo-mom. For me, this too is true: [I]And largely hated.[/I] I am not dramatizing or exaggerating. This is what I see, beneath the wormy rottenness that passed for Family of Origin. They hate me now enough to shun me. To [I]shun[/I] me. That is a weapon used by religious fanatics and etc. That is not what you do to a daughter, to a sister or niece or aunt. To a sister, Copa. "[I]I did my work in a hostile land. Always vulnerable to denunciation. And largely hidden."[/I] Time is up, for them. It was up any time we said. When chopping onions.... It has to do with that, but I don't know the end because I am not there, yet. Oh, wow, Copa. Want to explore it? That is genius. Ten thousand ways to be, quickly and efficiently explored and discarded. I don't believe you are self destructing in your shopping or your defiant insistence on taking this time to heal and going so stubbornly to bed to do it. I love it. Could you be trying on who Copa will be? Think of everything you have learned through your explorations. Think of the emotional attachment that makes it a compulsion ~ the loving or hating of self, and the comparison to Mother. Copa, that is a sterling insight. When I feel most ill, most blind about what is happening? I learn later that I was in fact healing old, and very deep, wounds. Yes. Thank you, Copa. Pseudo-mom. We are pseudo mom, hated by both for the shine on us [I]and for our capacity to shine onto them.[/I] [I]That is what they hate us for.[/I] [I]That is what they work to destroy.[/I] Am I stuck in italics, again? No. Good. :O) This is what happened, to me. Killing rage. Twisted around and focused onto myself because to kill, to wish dead, to be that angry, even in my thinking, is to destroy the essential me. Whether I would live on or die physically would not matter. What mattered about me would have been compromised and sullied. So, I focused it onto myself. That is the fear of vengeance thing I am always posting about. The mechanism of it is to become aware of where that hatred and rage are, and where they are being focused. Real or not, very real indeed, to me. It matters very much, how we think. That is how we define ourselves. Another layer, another prison wall, Copa. You are coming through beautifully. See the stars? *** Anger, angry, seething with it, is where the energy is come from to burst through. You are strong enough. :O) Welcome yourself into the world, Copa. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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