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Family of Origin
Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 673025" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I will learn to carry my own water. </p><p></p><p>I do not want to live at the expense of anybody else, or their labor. It is a question of integrity. Am I doing the same to M as was done to me?</p><p>I have never thought of this before. This <em>is</em> work. </p><p>How do you have this courage, Cedar? What drives you towards this? What in you would make you seek the pain, and the light? What is your motivation to do so? What do you hold in your mind as you do? </p><p></p><p>I am understanding it, it is not a goal, as I sought, for a degree or a <em>specific career.</em> It is the part that came later the commitment to do it in a sterling way. <em>To the practice of it. </em>I think the commitment to doing the work well came because it was something I had to do. It was a job, so I could hide from myself that it was really for me. I could pretend it was for others.</p><p></p><p>But <em>the practice of it</em> is everything. Like M lives his life. He is impatient with any goals that are not immediate. He knows that they are likely lies.</p><p></p><p>But me? Goals are all I have.</p><p>I have been away from myself for nearly my whole life, Cedar. I am coming home. </p><p>I looked here and there. Up and down. And here along I have been. I am next. Scared COPA said, hoping in part, she was lying. Scared.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes. </p><p>Focus. Is that it. Just chop onions.</p><p>No.</p><p>Like me with M, too.</p><p>And fear.</p><p>This is all a paradise that I have denied myself (and M) <em>A Garden of Earthly Delights</em>. That is what Hiraeth may be for me, I think. I will write a book and give it that title. </p><p>I am scared, Cedar.</p><p>Yes. I have lived for others my whole life.</p><p>No. We have never been home. How so very sad.</p><p>Yes, I believe this is so. </p><p>I think I am doing it in spite of the feelings, using the adrenaline produced to mask them. There is an excitement that masks the unease. I cannot stay calm while<em> I want. I am very, very scared. This I cover with a rush of excitement.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I will see where this day goes, Cedar. Thank you very much.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 673025, member: 18958"] I will learn to carry my own water. I do not want to live at the expense of anybody else, or their labor. It is a question of integrity. Am I doing the same to M as was done to me? I have never thought of this before. This [I]is[/I] work. How do you have this courage, Cedar? What drives you towards this? What in you would make you seek the pain, and the light? What is your motivation to do so? What do you hold in your mind as you do? I am understanding it, it is not a goal, as I sought, for a degree or a [I]specific career.[/I] It is the part that came later the commitment to do it in a sterling way. [I]To the practice of it. [/I]I think the commitment to doing the work well came because it was something I had to do. It was a job, so I could hide from myself that it was really for me. I could pretend it was for others. But [I]the practice of it[/I] is everything. Like M lives his life. He is impatient with any goals that are not immediate. He knows that they are likely lies. But me? Goals are all I have. I have been away from myself for nearly my whole life, Cedar. I am coming home. I looked here and there. Up and down. And here along I have been. I am next. Scared COPA said, hoping in part, she was lying. Scared. Yes. Yes. Focus. Is that it. Just chop onions. No. Like me with M, too. And fear. This is all a paradise that I have denied myself (and M) [I]A Garden of Earthly Delights[/I]. That is what Hiraeth may be for me, I think. I will write a book and give it that title. I am scared, Cedar. Yes. I have lived for others my whole life. No. We have never been home. How so very sad. Yes, I believe this is so. I think I am doing it in spite of the feelings, using the adrenaline produced to mask them. There is an excitement that masks the unease. I cannot stay calm while[I] I want. I am very, very scared. This I cover with a rush of excitement. [/I] I will see where this day goes, Cedar. Thank you very much. COPA [/QUOTE]
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