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Family of Origin
Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 673063" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I just finished my third 15 minute work session. I am less anxious. I am approaching this a little bit in the spirit of discovery. </p><p></p><p>More consciously than I remember, I experienced this: When I clean, I become distressed because everything is so dirty. I despair that it will get clean. I feel I have already destroyed it and it cannot be repaired. That the dirt and the stains and cracks have become part of it. And no matter how much I try I will not succeed. It is hopeless.</p><p></p><p>I am hopeless. I see when I clean I am encountering my broken and dirty and destroyed self, which I fear is impossibly damaged and dirty. And it is all my fault.</p><p></p><p>I realize too this: Most of the money I have, not all, was my mother's. Stolen from me, much of it. Money she did not want me to have. Wanted it to be hers. It is blood money. My blood.</p><p></p><p>Am I obeying her by frittering it away? Am I spending my blood, with the fantasy of recouping myself and my life? It seems so.</p><p></p><p>I figured out with the calculator that to acquire the habit of cleaning the house I will have to work almost 7 years, working 4 hours a day. Cedar, there has to be a quicker way to do this. If I work at 15 minute increments, it might take me until I am 90. </p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 673063, member: 18958"] I just finished my third 15 minute work session. I am less anxious. I am approaching this a little bit in the spirit of discovery. More consciously than I remember, I experienced this: When I clean, I become distressed because everything is so dirty. I despair that it will get clean. I feel I have already destroyed it and it cannot be repaired. That the dirt and the stains and cracks have become part of it. And no matter how much I try I will not succeed. It is hopeless. I am hopeless. I see when I clean I am encountering my broken and dirty and destroyed self, which I fear is impossibly damaged and dirty. And it is all my fault. I realize too this: Most of the money I have, not all, was my mother's. Stolen from me, much of it. Money she did not want me to have. Wanted it to be hers. It is blood money. My blood. Am I obeying her by frittering it away? Am I spending my blood, with the fantasy of recouping myself and my life? It seems so. I figured out with the calculator that to acquire the habit of cleaning the house I will have to work almost 7 years, working 4 hours a day. Cedar, there has to be a quicker way to do this. If I work at 15 minute increments, it might take me until I am 90. COPA [/QUOTE]
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