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Family of Origin
Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 673075" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>The thing you could not have is the thing that matters. So, that is what is being re-enacted, with this buying of things. Which thing you believe in that you will not receive. What you will have instead, and whether that is enough.</p><p></p><p>?</p><p></p><p>In my journey through Copa, there came a place where I was not enough. Where I was dependent. Where I needed there to be something outside myself because inside was blasted and empty and barely alive.</p><p></p><p>But there was no one.</p><p></p><p>Naked, I was not enough.</p><p></p><p>But I was naked.</p><p></p><p>It was a very dark time. I had nothing and I didn't know what to think or how to think it or where to go. I lost my faith. Hope seemed like some stupidly obscene thing. (And what of him who has nothing. He shall lose what he has.)</p><p></p><p>That happened to me, Copa. It was after daughter's beating and after everything was just gone, and I could not think my way out.</p><p></p><p>I could not think my way out.</p><p></p><p>And my mother and my sister zeroed in; my sister on FB doing whatever that was, my mother on the phone, being rude to D H and condescending to me and with never a word, with never a breath of compassion for what was happening to all of us.</p><p></p><p>And I could not think what to say or do or know how to stop slipping into crying and I hate crying. (I would never cry in front of my mother. I mean, crying in general. Like at Tai Chi one time I felt my eyes tearing up.) </p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p>So, I said "yes". Pretty much anything that came along, I said, "Yes." That is how I began at the gallery, that is how I came to take care of three stray cats for someone I didn't know. That is how I began attending Bible study though I am not sure I believe.</p><p></p><p>And pretty much, I just tried not to be late.</p><p></p><p>If I said I would do something, I did it.</p><p></p><p>Well, and not to cry in public or private either, for that matter.</p><p></p><p>There was nothing to cry about.</p><p></p><p>And I posted here, but not so much, because I had nothing to say.</p><p></p><p>And that was a very long time.</p><p></p><p>If you haven't read Pema Chodron, she will save you, now. Brene Brown, Copa. Eckhart Tolle and his work on the pain body.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, so I lost what I had, right?</p><p></p><p>And then, there was only me, here.</p><p></p><p>And I decided to...I don't know. To do this. And somehow, we came together and we're doing it.</p><p></p><p>And that is all I know.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 673075, member: 17461"] The thing you could not have is the thing that matters. So, that is what is being re-enacted, with this buying of things. Which thing you believe in that you will not receive. What you will have instead, and whether that is enough. ? In my journey through Copa, there came a place where I was not enough. Where I was dependent. Where I needed there to be something outside myself because inside was blasted and empty and barely alive. But there was no one. Naked, I was not enough. But I was naked. It was a very dark time. I had nothing and I didn't know what to think or how to think it or where to go. I lost my faith. Hope seemed like some stupidly obscene thing. (And what of him who has nothing. He shall lose what he has.) That happened to me, Copa. It was after daughter's beating and after everything was just gone, and I could not think my way out. I could not think my way out. And my mother and my sister zeroed in; my sister on FB doing whatever that was, my mother on the phone, being rude to D H and condescending to me and with never a word, with never a breath of compassion for what was happening to all of us. And I could not think what to say or do or know how to stop slipping into crying and I hate crying. (I would never cry in front of my mother. I mean, crying in general. Like at Tai Chi one time I felt my eyes tearing up.) Ew. So, I said "yes". Pretty much anything that came along, I said, "Yes." That is how I began at the gallery, that is how I came to take care of three stray cats for someone I didn't know. That is how I began attending Bible study though I am not sure I believe. And pretty much, I just tried not to be late. If I said I would do something, I did it. Well, and not to cry in public or private either, for that matter. There was nothing to cry about. And I posted here, but not so much, because I had nothing to say. And that was a very long time. If you haven't read Pema Chodron, she will save you, now. Brene Brown, Copa. Eckhart Tolle and his work on the pain body. Anyway, so I lost what I had, right? And then, there was only me, here. And I decided to...I don't know. To do this. And somehow, we came together and we're doing it. And that is all I know. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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