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Family of Origin
Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 673608" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p><em>"...into whatever they need to be in order to cop the next fix."</em></p><p></p><p>I know this sounds awful, but it is a comfort to me to know it. I am forever feeling betrayed, and so foolish or so mean and uncaring. </p><p></p><p>Angry, so much of the time.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>"...into whatever they need to be in order to cop the next fix."</em></p><p></p><p>And it is selfish of me, I get that, but this phrase puts a separation between my child, my person that I love and who was my baby and my child and who came so close to growing up, and those actions (and words too) that are like, time-blasted things that I just don't know how to think about, so I don't.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is very ugly.</p><p></p><p>So, part of the way I am looking at the effects of addiction is mixing in with Family of Origin issues and the why behind those somewhere in the background where we don't have words to distinguish the hurt of abandonment in all its many colors, maybe.</p><p></p><p>I sort of knew that, but not in a coherent fashion that I could put together with what seemed to be blasting into me this year, especially.</p><p></p><p>Abandonment. Along a spectrum of tastes and colors, maybe, the betrayal that is the essence of abandonment. That is why your words matter, Going. I was not getting that my children have not betrayed me. I was believing that they had, in some intrinsic way that matters and has to do with grandchildren and dinner and cookies and family coming to the door.</p><p></p><p>That there was a choice they made.</p><p></p><p>I think I can do this now, Going. </p><p></p><p>Thank you, again.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 673608, member: 17461"] [I]"...into whatever they need to be in order to cop the next fix."[/I] I know this sounds awful, but it is a comfort to me to know it. I am forever feeling betrayed, and so foolish or so mean and uncaring. Angry, so much of the time. [I] "...into whatever they need to be in order to cop the next fix."[/I] And it is selfish of me, I get that, but this phrase puts a separation between my child, my person that I love and who was my baby and my child and who came so close to growing up, and those actions (and words too) that are like, time-blasted things that I just don't know how to think about, so I don't. Addiction is very ugly. So, part of the way I am looking at the effects of addiction is mixing in with Family of Origin issues and the why behind those somewhere in the background where we don't have words to distinguish the hurt of abandonment in all its many colors, maybe. I sort of knew that, but not in a coherent fashion that I could put together with what seemed to be blasting into me this year, especially. Abandonment. Along a spectrum of tastes and colors, maybe, the betrayal that is the essence of abandonment. That is why your words matter, Going. I was not getting that my children have not betrayed me. I was believing that they had, in some intrinsic way that matters and has to do with grandchildren and dinner and cookies and family coming to the door. That there was a choice they made. I think I can do this now, Going. Thank you, again. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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