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Family of Origin
Work and Germany Part II: Abandonment Recovery
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 673812" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>What arose was the same panic that came up when the analyst would ask me about "wanting." I felt like it was something I could not do. Was beyond me. When I read Going North's words I felt unable to get control over my own heart. I felt the same desperation and longing...and absolute damage of self I did so many years ago with the analyst. </p><p></p><p>To heal...I had to go somewhere I would not or could not go. What a relief to read, that you think we cannot do it at all. It is not just me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I swear. I never understood this until you explained it to me. </p><p>It is not us. It is <em>them.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>We took all of the responsibility so many years ago...and it worked...in a twisted way. At least we lived. We were not thrown out. We are trying again to see if it will work, if we take all responsibility, again. It is some kind of magical thinking. It always was.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>We take the problem into ourselves, to try to shield our children. But more than that, ourselves, from seeing the reality of it. It is a habitual and destructive response. But it feels preferable than to face the peril of our children and feel powerless.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Not just to help them. But in ourselves. To feel powerless as we once were. To feel our own powerlessness.</em></p><p></p><p>Beautifully and elegantly written, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>We keep trying blood sacrifice. Over and over again. If we flail and flail ourselves against the cage, maybe it will work next time. It is repetitive self-destruction. No wonder I feel panicked at the thought of it. </p><p></p><p>I hear: You have to take control of your own feelings. And I hear it as: you have to cut off your limb. </p><p>Yes. We did. Cutting off limbs in traps and throwing ourselves against cages. Canaries in goldmines.</p><p>Yes. </p><p></p><p>Cedar, it is true: giving up limbs will have no effect what so ever in healing our children. Why did I not realize it? I can be a dead canary and my son will still be talking about the cabal.</p><p>Well, when you put it like that, it makes a lot of sense. </p><p></p><p>But what do we do instead? What do people do instead? Besides buy drawer fulls of vintage jewelry?</p><p></p><p>I mean, I know they make lives. They go cross country. They dance and take courses. They have friends and fun. </p><p></p><p>But what do they <em>do</em>? Do they pray? Write? Post? Walk?</p><p>So we are trying to make it go away. By the same magic we used when we were 5 years old. If I take the hit, everything will be better. For a while.</p><p></p><p></p><p>And the essence of our situations is: It is not my fault. I did not cause it. I cannot control it. Or cure it. </p><p>I wish you were not right, Cedar. But I know that you are. How will we live with this grief and fear? I mean, how can we live in a better way, if this is real and bad things have happened and more bad things can? I am serious here. </p><p>Thank you. I have shame, but it really was not my fault. I was very young when I started. I could not believe that it was happening to me. Like, how did I deserve this, too? After so much, already.</p><p> No. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is I do not still know what is my heart's desire or was.</p><p></p><p>I am beginning to think that there is not one thing or any thing. It is how I define it. I can chose. I am not driven, unless I am deceiving myself or have deceived myself in the past, and do not realize it.</p><p></p><p>I think I can decide that my heart's desire is what I have right now. Except go East. Learn all kinds of arts and crafts and spend my days on them. Dance again. Eat in lots of restaurants. Become fit again. Have friends. Work, in a meaningful way. Travel, some. Play cards. My heart's desire is what I can have and do have. Mainly love and work.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 673812, member: 18958"] What arose was the same panic that came up when the analyst would ask me about "wanting." I felt like it was something I could not do. Was beyond me. When I read Going North's words I felt unable to get control over my own heart. I felt the same desperation and longing...and absolute damage of self I did so many years ago with the analyst. To heal...I had to go somewhere I would not or could not go. What a relief to read, that you think we cannot do it at all. It is not just me. Cedar, I swear. I never understood this until you explained it to me. It is not us. It is [I]them. We took all of the responsibility so many years ago...and it worked...in a twisted way. At least we lived. We were not thrown out. We are trying again to see if it will work, if we take all responsibility, again. It is some kind of magical thinking. It always was. We take the problem into ourselves, to try to shield our children. But more than that, ourselves, from seeing the reality of it. It is a habitual and destructive response. But it feels preferable than to face the peril of our children and feel powerless. Not just to help them. But in ourselves. To feel powerless as we once were. To feel our own powerlessness.[/I] Beautifully and elegantly written, Cedar. We keep trying blood sacrifice. Over and over again. If we flail and flail ourselves against the cage, maybe it will work next time. It is repetitive self-destruction. No wonder I feel panicked at the thought of it. I hear: You have to take control of your own feelings. And I hear it as: you have to cut off your limb. Yes. We did. Cutting off limbs in traps and throwing ourselves against cages. Canaries in goldmines. Yes. Cedar, it is true: giving up limbs will have no effect what so ever in healing our children. Why did I not realize it? I can be a dead canary and my son will still be talking about the cabal. Well, when you put it like that, it makes a lot of sense. But what do we do instead? What do people do instead? Besides buy drawer fulls of vintage jewelry? I mean, I know they make lives. They go cross country. They dance and take courses. They have friends and fun. But what do they [I]do[/I]? Do they pray? Write? Post? Walk? So we are trying to make it go away. By the same magic we used when we were 5 years old. If I take the hit, everything will be better. For a while. And the essence of our situations is: It is not my fault. I did not cause it. I cannot control it. Or cure it. I wish you were not right, Cedar. But I know that you are. How will we live with this grief and fear? I mean, how can we live in a better way, if this is real and bad things have happened and more bad things can? I am serious here. Thank you. I have shame, but it really was not my fault. I was very young when I started. I could not believe that it was happening to me. Like, how did I deserve this, too? After so much, already. No. But the thing is I do not still know what is my heart's desire or was. I am beginning to think that there is not one thing or any thing. It is how I define it. I can chose. I am not driven, unless I am deceiving myself or have deceived myself in the past, and do not realize it. I think I can decide that my heart's desire is what I have right now. Except go East. Learn all kinds of arts and crafts and spend my days on them. Dance again. Eat in lots of restaurants. Become fit again. Have friends. Work, in a meaningful way. Travel, some. Play cards. My heart's desire is what I can have and do have. Mainly love and work. COPA [/QUOTE]
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