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Family of Origin
Work and Germany Part II: Abandonment Recovery
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674141" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>She is always telling me what talent I have. But she is not understanding the vulnerable place art comes from. Or, she is? I am confused by her.</p><p></p><p>It is interesting Cedar. I am trying to step back and view this unemotionally, even keeled, as a psychoanalyst would.</p><p>That is what it would take I think, to understand the machinations of it.</p><p></p><p>She said on my trip "You must bring your sketch pad and draw my horses."</p><p></p><p>I love horses, they do not love me.</p><p>(I had some very scary experiences with horses as a child).</p><p></p><p>I have never drawn a horse.</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking about it.</p><p></p><p>So, you know what I have in mind?</p><p>I want to draw her a horse, and put every sensitive word and emotion known to man, in tiny, <em>almost</em> indecipherable, writing, within the horse.</p><p></p><p>It is a loving, and also defiant gift.</p><p></p><p>In honor of her dedication to saving them.</p><p>That <em>is horses</em>, they are very sensitive creatures.</p><p>How strange that she would hold that dear.</p><p></p><p>It will be my trojan horse gift to her.</p><p></p><p>But, instead of warriors popping out</p><p>all of my feelings that she would hold hostage</p><p>will be within the delineation.</p><p></p><p>She will be unknowingly,</p><p>gazing at my innermost emotions,</p><p>that she has <em>contempt</em> for.</p><p></p><p>I believe her contempt for my emotions has to do with a feeling of responsibility towards them.</p><p> She is not a bad person. She has many good qualities. I do love her. Even as she has held herself in enmity to my feelings and thoughts. <em>Love thy enemy</em>.</p><p></p><p>I think she is as greatly confused by her actions, as I am.</p><p></p><p>I feel a sort of odd compassion for her.</p><p></p><p>I am also feeling that she has built a certain strength in me.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that strange Cedar?</p><p></p><p>Am I like Patty Hearst? Held captive by her? </p><p>Tied to her by our blood relation, </p><p>my emotions kidnapped by her expectations?</p><p></p><p>Yet,</p><p></p><p>I am liking this idea more and more.</p><p></p><p>This horse drawing</p><p></p><p>It is forming</p><p>and building</p><p>it will come to me.</p><p></p><p>An "I am" statement, wrapped up in the package of something she loves.</p><p></p><p>Cedar and Copa, I am coming to a sense through our writings and examination, Viktor Frankl, David Brooks, Iz, Hawaiians, Germany, abandonment, love, joy, peace, faith and finally forgiveness, the places we have gone and what we have experienced.</p><p></p><p>We have been<em> chosen</em>.</p><p>It is a training ground for us.</p><p>There is something marvelous within us,</p><p>that was meant to come through this fire.</p><p></p><p>A purpose. A meaning.</p><p>Surely, we have already made use </p><p>of our experiences here in CD</p><p>to help others</p><p>and in helping</p><p>others</p><p>we are helping ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Suffering.</p><p>There is something to be said for suffering.</p><p>We are almost there.</p><p>I can feel it.</p><p>Bereft-deficit.</p><p>Understanding.</p><p>Knowing.</p><p>Potentiality.</p><p>Purpose.</p><p>Meaning.</p><p>Fulfillment.</p><p></p><p>We cannot even begin to understand how truly <em>not bereft, </em>we are.</p><p></p><p>Thank you sisters.</p><p></p><p>I must go and iron boys tuxedo. He has to take a picture in it for his band class.</p><p>A tuxedo, imagine that.</p><p></p><p>My little penguin. Not so little anymore. </p><p>His voice is changing, to the point where sometimes he speaks, </p><p>and I think there is someone else in the house. Wow.</p><p></p><p>Good thought filled loving day to you!</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674141, member: 19522"] She is always telling me what talent I have. But she is not understanding the vulnerable place art comes from. Or, she is? I am confused by her. It is interesting Cedar. I am trying to step back and view this unemotionally, even keeled, as a psychoanalyst would. That is what it would take I think, to understand the machinations of it. She said on my trip "You must bring your sketch pad and draw my horses." I love horses, they do not love me. (I had some very scary experiences with horses as a child). I have never drawn a horse. I have been thinking about it. So, you know what I have in mind? I want to draw her a horse, and put every sensitive word and emotion known to man, in tiny, [I]almost[/I] indecipherable, writing, within the horse. It is a loving, and also defiant gift. In honor of her dedication to saving them. That [I]is horses[/I], they are very sensitive creatures. How strange that she would hold that dear. It will be my trojan horse gift to her. But, instead of warriors popping out all of my feelings that she would hold hostage will be within the delineation. She will be unknowingly, gazing at my innermost emotions, that she has [I]contempt[/I] for. I believe her contempt for my emotions has to do with a feeling of responsibility towards them. She is not a bad person. She has many good qualities. I do love her. Even as she has held herself in enmity to my feelings and thoughts. [I]Love thy enemy[/I]. I think she is as greatly confused by her actions, as I am. I feel a sort of odd compassion for her. I am also feeling that she has built a certain strength in me. Isn't that strange Cedar? Am I like Patty Hearst? Held captive by her? Tied to her by our blood relation, my emotions kidnapped by her expectations? Yet, I am liking this idea more and more. This horse drawing It is forming and building it will come to me. An "I am" statement, wrapped up in the package of something she loves. Cedar and Copa, I am coming to a sense through our writings and examination, Viktor Frankl, David Brooks, Iz, Hawaiians, Germany, abandonment, love, joy, peace, faith and finally forgiveness, the places we have gone and what we have experienced. We have been[I] chosen[/I]. It is a training ground for us. There is something marvelous within us, that was meant to come through this fire. A purpose. A meaning. Surely, we have already made use of our experiences here in CD to help others and in helping others we are helping ourselves. Suffering. There is something to be said for suffering. We are almost there. I can feel it. Bereft-deficit. Understanding. Knowing. Potentiality. Purpose. Meaning. Fulfillment. We cannot even begin to understand how truly [I]not bereft, [/I]we are. Thank you sisters. I must go and iron boys tuxedo. He has to take a picture in it for his band class. A tuxedo, imagine that. My little penguin. Not so little anymore. His voice is changing, to the point where sometimes he speaks, and I think there is someone else in the house. Wow. Good thought filled loving day to you! (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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