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Would difficult child be better off not staying at my house?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 526380" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>First of all, what was the relationship like between difficult child and husband before the divorce? Was difficult child an angel when daddy was around before the divorce? If no, it is unlikely to have changed unless Dad is really really really super strict. </p><p></p><p>Second - what do your instincts say about whether your ex is being honest about this, trying to cut you down, trying to alienate you and difficult child from each other, or trying to do what is best for his son regardless of how he feels for you? </p><p></p><p>Third - what is the stepmom's role and how do difficult child and stepmom get along, and what are your instincts about that?</p><p></p><p>Think long and hard about this. Sometimes a child does respond best to one parenting style or another, sometimes they don't respond to any. What is a day at Dad's like? How is it different than a day at Mom's? Do Dad and stopmom let him eat a typical American diet or a vegetarian diet or gluten/casein free diet? Does he know what happens when and does that work better for him than having things happen 'whenever'?</p><p></p><p>Some of our kids just cannot cope with a low level of structure. They NEED to know that after school they have 15 min to use the toilet and have a snack, an hour for homework/studying, dinner at 6, dishes/chores at 6:40, tv from 7-8, then get ready for bed at 8, reading until 8:30 when it is lights out. Some kids go nuts with that kind of structure </p><p></p><p>What expectations are different at dads and at your home? Is he expected to say sir and ma'am at one and hey you at the other? Do you hover more than dad? </p><p></p><p>IF dad s being honest and difficult child is better at his house, then in my opinion it would be better to figure out how to improve things at your home so that difficult child could function as well there rather than to just let him live with his dad all the time. He would probably see living with dad all the time as you not wanting him - which couldn't be farther from the truth. </p><p></p><p>I just really doubt that difficult child is perfect at his dad's. It isn't logical. Don't give up, see how you can provide whatever he needs at your home. also don't buy what your ex says just bc he said it. I know few exes who are able to keep the blame and personal issues out of the care of their children, even easy child kid. When the child is a difficult child that goes up exponentially.</p><p></p><p>Could you talk to stepmil and get an honest answer about how difficult child is over there? I just wonder if he gives stepmil similar problems to the ones you have? Sometimes a stepparent isn't as wrapped up in showing how they are 'better' and they are willing to be more honest -esp if their spouse isn't there. </p><p></p><p>Please KNOW this: Unless you did serious neglect and abuse to difficult child, his problems are NOT your fault. He deserves his mom in his life and he deserves a mom who will do what she can to help him be successful. You ARE that mom - always have been. </p><p></p><p>This last part I almost didn't type. But I feel I have to.</p><p></p><p>IF difficult child is perfect at dad's and falling apart at mom's, it is likely because he is very much afraid to not be perfect at dad's. Is it possible that there is more than just an authoritarian parenting style going on? Some kind of abuse that is keeping difficult child from acting out there but crying otu for help at school and your home? I am NOT accusing anyone of abuse. I am saying that it could be a reason if dad is honest and difficult child is perfect at his house. No problems just are not normal, neither is a choking game for an 8yo. A teen who is online alone, who has friends experimenting with getting high or with sex, yes. Those are kids who would play choking games. An 8yo? It is odd and sent a red flag my way. Esp as dad then insisted he was perfect at dad's house.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 526380, member: 1233"] First of all, what was the relationship like between difficult child and husband before the divorce? Was difficult child an angel when daddy was around before the divorce? If no, it is unlikely to have changed unless Dad is really really really super strict. Second - what do your instincts say about whether your ex is being honest about this, trying to cut you down, trying to alienate you and difficult child from each other, or trying to do what is best for his son regardless of how he feels for you? Third - what is the stepmom's role and how do difficult child and stepmom get along, and what are your instincts about that? Think long and hard about this. Sometimes a child does respond best to one parenting style or another, sometimes they don't respond to any. What is a day at Dad's like? How is it different than a day at Mom's? Do Dad and stopmom let him eat a typical American diet or a vegetarian diet or gluten/casein free diet? Does he know what happens when and does that work better for him than having things happen 'whenever'? Some of our kids just cannot cope with a low level of structure. They NEED to know that after school they have 15 min to use the toilet and have a snack, an hour for homework/studying, dinner at 6, dishes/chores at 6:40, tv from 7-8, then get ready for bed at 8, reading until 8:30 when it is lights out. Some kids go nuts with that kind of structure What expectations are different at dads and at your home? Is he expected to say sir and ma'am at one and hey you at the other? Do you hover more than dad? IF dad s being honest and difficult child is better at his house, then in my opinion it would be better to figure out how to improve things at your home so that difficult child could function as well there rather than to just let him live with his dad all the time. He would probably see living with dad all the time as you not wanting him - which couldn't be farther from the truth. I just really doubt that difficult child is perfect at his dad's. It isn't logical. Don't give up, see how you can provide whatever he needs at your home. also don't buy what your ex says just bc he said it. I know few exes who are able to keep the blame and personal issues out of the care of their children, even easy child kid. When the child is a difficult child that goes up exponentially. Could you talk to stepmil and get an honest answer about how difficult child is over there? I just wonder if he gives stepmil similar problems to the ones you have? Sometimes a stepparent isn't as wrapped up in showing how they are 'better' and they are willing to be more honest -esp if their spouse isn't there. Please KNOW this: Unless you did serious neglect and abuse to difficult child, his problems are NOT your fault. He deserves his mom in his life and he deserves a mom who will do what she can to help him be successful. You ARE that mom - always have been. This last part I almost didn't type. But I feel I have to. IF difficult child is perfect at dad's and falling apart at mom's, it is likely because he is very much afraid to not be perfect at dad's. Is it possible that there is more than just an authoritarian parenting style going on? Some kind of abuse that is keeping difficult child from acting out there but crying otu for help at school and your home? I am NOT accusing anyone of abuse. I am saying that it could be a reason if dad is honest and difficult child is perfect at his house. No problems just are not normal, neither is a choking game for an 8yo. A teen who is online alone, who has friends experimenting with getting high or with sex, yes. Those are kids who would play choking games. An 8yo? It is odd and sent a red flag my way. Esp as dad then insisted he was perfect at dad's house. [/QUOTE]
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