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General Parenting
Would difficult child be better off not staying at my house?
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<blockquote data-quote="firehorsewoman" data-source="post: 526523"><p>Thanks for all of the replies and supportive comments. My feelings about all of this are nothing new. Just brought to the surface after a confrontation with the ex last night and dealing with his proxy (ex-mother in law) all week when ex was on vacation.</p><p></p><p>As I posted in a recent thread, the ex does spank and use physical punishment which I do not. One day six weeks ago when I had trouble getting difficult child to put his clothes back on (completely naked at 2pm for over an hour running around the house) the ex told me to "beat his ass" so I know that he spanks him. He told me that his parents (the grandparents) spank him too. When I am at the end of my rope with him I will shake him or shove him off of me when difficult child is in my physical space, I will also hold or try to contain him when he is slamming himself or an object in a dangerous manner. But I do not spank anymore...did when he was younger though. I brought up the difference in discipline (ex spanks I do not) to the psychiatrist at last appointment with ex right there. All she said was "We recommend that both parents use consistent discipline strategies." So, I asked her, "Does that mean I get a bigger stick?" ...but she just wouldn't comment anymore. She was not prepared for the family dysfunction she was facing...even though we have been going to the same hospital for years. She was the latest of many, many residents and fellows...couldn't she read our chart? I am sure that they have documented our family issues.</p><p></p><p>Also, ex uses military type tactics (push-ups, sit-ups), restricts difficult child to room, just is way stricter.</p><p>As far as their relationship goes, difficult child complains about everyone but his father. He tells me all of the time that I am mean and that his stepmother is mean. He tells me all of the time that he never wants to come back to my house. Many times when he is here he asks to go back to his father's house. He blames his sister for 90% of what is wrong with his life and blames me the other 10% of the time. But he never says anything negative about his dad. Never. difficult child told me the other day that if people were just not so irritating than he would behave himself. He told me that he is tired of people irritating him. He also told me that he was tired being him. There is a ton of inner turmoil inside him. Yes, we have tried all sorts of therapy and that would take another post just to discuss that.</p><p></p><p>The stepmother does not speak to me and the relationship has been strained since she married the ex three years ago. To give you an idea of how bad it is, my son told me the other day, "______ (stepmom's name) is right, you are a piece of ****." What prompted that was the HE had left his water bottle in the car and I would not get it for him. I could not under the particular circumstances. I offered to share my water but that was not satisfactory to him. He followed up with the comment, " _____ is also right that you are full of bull****, since you do not take care of us." </p><p></p><p>As far as the custody goes, we have joint conservatorship but he has primary custody and I pay him child support. I get the kids about 9-10 days out of the month. We tried 50/50 in the beginning but due to my work schedule and not having family or friends in this state to help I gave primary custody to ex. The ex remarried shortly after the divorce and has a VERY involved mother. My ex works for himself and has a flexible schedule, plus both his wife and his mother are available to pick up kids from school, drive to sports, etc. I have no family or friends near and work very long hours. My situation is the complete opposite of his.</p><p></p><p>Many of my friends and family over the years have told me the same thing about my house/presence being a safe haven for my son to let all his demons fly. I am more relaxed in my parenting style and his mom. I seem to get the brunt of the bad stuff but no, I do not think it is perfect at his dad's house. I do think that his father wants to believe his own fiction though. He has never wanted to believe that there is anything wrong with our son that strict rules won't fix. But he is okay with an ADHD diagnosis since so many kids and adults are diagnosed with ADHD now.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to give up but I am tired of getting emotionally beat up by difficult child and his dad. Tired of ex insinuating that I am the problem. I am tired of all of the drama, tired of hearing "he is not this way at my house" tired of ex telling the doctors that and them believing it. Tired of feeling like my opinion does not count....that his dad, stepmom, and grandparent's opinions matter more than mine. I am also afraid for the future. The intensity of my son's meltdowns scare the **** out of me and he is eight. I am afraid of what he will be like at 13 or 16. </p><p></p><p>ugh</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="firehorsewoman, post: 526523"] Thanks for all of the replies and supportive comments. My feelings about all of this are nothing new. Just brought to the surface after a confrontation with the ex last night and dealing with his proxy (ex-mother in law) all week when ex was on vacation. As I posted in a recent thread, the ex does spank and use physical punishment which I do not. One day six weeks ago when I had trouble getting difficult child to put his clothes back on (completely naked at 2pm for over an hour running around the house) the ex told me to "beat his ass" so I know that he spanks him. He told me that his parents (the grandparents) spank him too. When I am at the end of my rope with him I will shake him or shove him off of me when difficult child is in my physical space, I will also hold or try to contain him when he is slamming himself or an object in a dangerous manner. But I do not spank anymore...did when he was younger though. I brought up the difference in discipline (ex spanks I do not) to the psychiatrist at last appointment with ex right there. All she said was "We recommend that both parents use consistent discipline strategies." So, I asked her, "Does that mean I get a bigger stick?" ...but she just wouldn't comment anymore. She was not prepared for the family dysfunction she was facing...even though we have been going to the same hospital for years. She was the latest of many, many residents and fellows...couldn't she read our chart? I am sure that they have documented our family issues. Also, ex uses military type tactics (push-ups, sit-ups), restricts difficult child to room, just is way stricter. As far as their relationship goes, difficult child complains about everyone but his father. He tells me all of the time that I am mean and that his stepmother is mean. He tells me all of the time that he never wants to come back to my house. Many times when he is here he asks to go back to his father's house. He blames his sister for 90% of what is wrong with his life and blames me the other 10% of the time. But he never says anything negative about his dad. Never. difficult child told me the other day that if people were just not so irritating than he would behave himself. He told me that he is tired of people irritating him. He also told me that he was tired being him. There is a ton of inner turmoil inside him. Yes, we have tried all sorts of therapy and that would take another post just to discuss that. The stepmother does not speak to me and the relationship has been strained since she married the ex three years ago. To give you an idea of how bad it is, my son told me the other day, "______ (stepmom's name) is right, you are a piece of ****." What prompted that was the HE had left his water bottle in the car and I would not get it for him. I could not under the particular circumstances. I offered to share my water but that was not satisfactory to him. He followed up with the comment, " _____ is also right that you are full of bull****, since you do not take care of us." As far as the custody goes, we have joint conservatorship but he has primary custody and I pay him child support. I get the kids about 9-10 days out of the month. We tried 50/50 in the beginning but due to my work schedule and not having family or friends in this state to help I gave primary custody to ex. The ex remarried shortly after the divorce and has a VERY involved mother. My ex works for himself and has a flexible schedule, plus both his wife and his mother are available to pick up kids from school, drive to sports, etc. I have no family or friends near and work very long hours. My situation is the complete opposite of his. Many of my friends and family over the years have told me the same thing about my house/presence being a safe haven for my son to let all his demons fly. I am more relaxed in my parenting style and his mom. I seem to get the brunt of the bad stuff but no, I do not think it is perfect at his dad's house. I do think that his father wants to believe his own fiction though. He has never wanted to believe that there is anything wrong with our son that strict rules won't fix. But he is okay with an ADHD diagnosis since so many kids and adults are diagnosed with ADHD now. I don't want to give up but I am tired of getting emotionally beat up by difficult child and his dad. Tired of ex insinuating that I am the problem. I am tired of all of the drama, tired of hearing "he is not this way at my house" tired of ex telling the doctors that and them believing it. Tired of feeling like my opinion does not count....that his dad, stepmom, and grandparent's opinions matter more than mine. I am also afraid for the future. The intensity of my son's meltdowns scare the **** out of me and he is eight. I am afraid of what he will be like at 13 or 16. ugh [/QUOTE]
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