True. I think maybe the parents here are the kinds of people who have been able to address and correct most things in their own lives. That our children (however old they are) still seem so troubled keys into that "can do" attitude every parent on this site seems to possess. Maybe, the intensity and focus we devote to our kids has more to do with how we view ourselves than it does with the things that happen with our difficult child kids? That could be part of our PTSD where the kids are concerned. It is the bad things that happen, but it could also be that the parents here are used to taking responsibility, and to keeping at it until we see things resolved, or give up on them altogether.
We cannot give up altogether on our own children.
But that seems to be what we have to do before they stand (or fall) on their own.
But instead, because of something intrinsic to our makeups, we keep trying. And worse yet, we keep believing that this time, it will work.
MWM has a thread going about toxicity in our families of origin. Recovering has a thread about what happens when we face toxicity in the relationships we have created with our children and let go.
So, it really does seem to be about facing and loving and letting go. One of the male posters here posted about judgment ~ about not judging our difficult child kids for their choices or actions. So, he was saying that we need (I need) to get it that my kids have the right (and the personal responsibility) to take their lives wherever they want to without me judging them for it.
It's alot to figure out.
It's such a good, healing thing to have this site.
I really do wonder whether it is our determination to see a thing done right that feeds into how we interact with our troubled kids.
Do those of you following this thread feel you take responsibility as a matter of course? My husband is responsible only to a degree. He easily delegates responsibility, and it is easy for him to call a spade a spade. Even where the kids are concerned? He will get their finances in order and so on out of a sense of frustration and in the spirit of giving the difficult child a chance at a clean slate.
And I really don't think he worries about it again.
husband is like, "Hey. I did my part."
That is a pretty good way to be.
I call a spade: "It only looks like a spade. This is really a diamond in the rough. Here, let me polish it right up."
So, because it happened where I could see it, it gets to be my responsibility.
When it really was a crummy spade, all along.
And polishing the heck out of it leaves me with lots of time, money, and effort wasted on a nice, shiny...spade.
It requires a whole different kind of thinking, to let go.
Cedar
Tryagain? I like your quote: "Let go or be dragged."
True.
